The Best And Worst Of WWE Raw 1/30/12 Is VEGAN! It Doesn’t Even Eat MEAT!

By: 01.31.12  •  211 Comments


Best: Disco Ball Accompaniment

I’m not sure how they continue to improve on the aesthetic of the Funkasaurus, but they manage to do it. First it was giving him a spoken-word introduction from his Funkettes. Now, it’s a big f**king disco ball hanging above the ring. They should keep adding and adding until his pay-per-view entrance has people jumping through flaming hoops and elephants dressed as showgirls standing on their hind legs.

Worst: F**king Up Fish In A Barrel

This match featured two guys:

1. Brodus Clay, who is called the Funkasaurus

2. Tyler Reks, who has occasionally had the nickname T-Reks

So your joke is “this is a dinosaur fight between a Funkasaurus and a T-Reks”. If you’re Brandon, you watch Reks get cross-fatbodied and make a joke about dino damage. Jerry Lawler, on one of the most unbearable-to-me nights of his professional career, says the match is “right out of the Jurassic Park era”.

The JURASSIC PARK ERA. So, what, it reminds you of the mid-90s? How can you possibly botch this joke? Jay Briscoe’s infant f**king son could’ve looked at two dinosaurs and said DINOSAURS into a microphone without ruining it.

Best: The Last Hurrah Of The Midcard Mafia

I recorded my second podcast appearance with David Shoemaker of Grantland yesterday, and we talked about how one of the cooler aspects of the Funkasaurus is that his squash matches give me a chance to see some of the lower-tier guys I like a lot having matches on Raw. As we were taping, I assumed Funky’s opponent was going to be The Exodus Of The Beginning Of The Genesis Of The Right Now South Africa Such As Michael McGillicutty. I had no idea I was going to be indirectly pimping Tyler Reks.

Anyway, I don’t wish unemployment on anyone busting their ass for my wrestling enjoyment, but if Brodus Clay squashing Curt Hawkins and Tyler Reks leads to be them being released and sent off to work WWFX in f**king Mystery Nigeria or wherever with John Morrison and MVP I will not shed a tear. It’d open up roster spots for any number of FCW guys ready for the Superstars/NXT gig (Dean Ambrose and Antonio Cesaro would be instant, massive upgrades) and Reks and Hawkins would take their rightful positions as those guys I just flipped past in the WWE Encyclopedia who tried to SOPA the sh*t out of the wrestling Internet with their sh*tty, insider termz homemade episodes of The Backyardigans.

BEST: William Regal Has A What In The Where Now

John Laurinaitis sees William Regal backstage and asks him how his sons are doing. A forlorn Regal corrects John (they’re daughters, not sons), mentions that they are conjoined and that he keeps them in his attic.

Two things:

1. Is William Regal’s daughter Jillian Hall? Because we never got actual physical closure on that weird thing she had on her face for a while, and

2. hahahahahahaha f**king what

I’m not sure if I want this to be a new gimmick for the Canadian Ninjas or if I never want it mentioned again.

Worst: So They Just Think We’re Idiots, Don’t They

I’m also not sure what the backstage conversation between Daniel Bryan and CM Punk was supposed to accomplish. It sucks that they’re finally allowed to talk to each other and can’t say what they want. CM Punk says not a lot of people know what vegan is (there are over 1 million vegans in the United States, as well as 7.3 million vegetarians who assumedly know what being vegan means… although to his credit, I can only think of like three vegans who watch wrestling and I’m one of them, Daniel Bryan is another, and a third is an evil anthropomorphic insect).

In response, Daniel Bryan says a lot of people don’t know what Straight Edge is. You know, the thing CM Punk had been preaching the values of to Each And Every One Of You™ in the WWE Universe since 2006 and to the rest of the wrestling world since the 90s. Oh, and then he says he doesn’t claim to be a role model, and my brain goes UH HEY ASSHOLE WEREN’T YOU THE GUY WHO MADE PEOPLE SHAVE THEIR HEADS SO THEY COULD BE JUST LIKE YOU BECAUSE YOU WERE “BETTER” THAN THEM AND THEY HAD TO LIVE UP TO YOU OR WHATEVER and then I wake up in a tub full of ice with a kidney missing and WWE is f**king me in the mouth.

If they REALLY wanted to have a snippy conversation they should’ve kept the “I don’t do drugs” and “think of the screaming animals” stuff to themselves and said:

Punk: “You’re only vegan because your doctor made you be.”

Bryan: “yeah well you’re only straight edge because your dad was an abusive alcoholic”

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