Best: Team Brandon
I noticed two major things in the first 30 seconds of this match:
1. How sad are the current WWE Champions? I like Christian as much as the next guy, but Christian, Santino Marella, Kofi Kingston and invisible child leading R-Truth as the statistically 3rd-6th best people in your company is depressing. There’s something to be said for giving title belts to people who need them instead of to people who deserve them, but man, if Vince believes that shit he said to Daniel Bryan about D-Bry “not looking like a wrestler” he should watch these Raw showcase matches. They end up being less important than the dancing dinosaur, is what I’m saying.
2. The heel team of Cody Rhodes, David Otunga, Darren Young and Titus O’Neil is basically my perfect mid-card eight man tag squad. Not for winning matches, really, but for Brandon’s Enjoyment. I’ve grown to love these guys, even if Cody SERIOUSLY needs to start hanging with a more impressive gaggle of jobbers.
Fantasy booking in my head involved The Ryback wandering out and Muscle Busting eight guys at once, but we don’t always get what we want.
Worst: One Of My Least Favorite Tropes Leads To My Least Favorite Trope
The match wasn’t great (I’ve gotten spoiled by Chikara, Dragon Gate and others making trios matches and eight-man tags into something special), but it gets a big smelly steam-lines Worst for evoking my second least favorite wrestling thing right now — heels giving up five minutes into a match and walking to the back for a count-out with nobody stopping them — and having it lead directly to my LEAST favorite thing about wrestling right now — babyfaces ganging up on a heel, beating him down and getting cheered for it.
WWE babyfaces are being really awful about this lately. Cena needed help against the Big Show, so five guys run out and help him win. Brodus Clay gets shanghai’d by David Otunga, so Brodus AND Christian AND Santino AND R-Boom all take turns beating him up and a bunch of kids dance on his corpse. Otunga deserved comeuppance, but shouldn’t that have just come from Brodus? That Sheamus-ass thing of attacking your foe from behind and serving him up on a platter to somebody else to beat up is at LEAST as cowardly as the purposeful count-out thing. It’s happening so much the “be a star” gag has gotten tired. Just have wrestling matches, don’t be afraid to let wrestling matches end, and don’t systematically humiliate everybody on your roster.
Best: Teddy Long Dancing At His Television
Ladies and gentlemen, the best moment from last night’s Raw:
They cut away from the Funkasaurus Dance Party to backstage, where Teddy Long is happily dancing along. Or he’s riding an invisible dirt bike, I’m not sure.
Teddy being in charge of the @WWERawGM is probably the most infuriating thing happening in my life right now. He tweets “Hey playas! Kane and Big Show are having a match!” and it’s totally harmless and I’m still typing and deleting YOU’RE A PIECE OF SHIT TEDDY 10 times in response. As a young fan of the Steiner Brothers a teenage fan of White Boys and an older fan of John Laurinaitis, Teddy has made my wrestling life Hell for like 25 straight years.
Best: I Don’t Miss Shane McMahon, But The Vince Training Video Is Amazing
I bet Stephanie’s favorite Smackdown moment is “that time I compared my Dad being investigated for steroids to 9/11”.
Anyway, Vince McMahon doing sit-ups while screaming I HATE AUSTIN, I HATE AUSTIN is one of the best and most pure moments of character development in wrestling history, and those Vince training segments still hold up today. He’s chasing a chicken with VIDEO CAMERAS IN ITS EYES for Christ’s sake. When Vince power walks out onto Raw these days to make both literal and figurative wanking gestures over his own talent, remember that he used to earn it.
Best: ADR F**king Up Sin Cara, Rudo Style
This was an emotional roller-coaster for me. It went something like this:
1. Alberto Del Rio has a mystery opponent, Teddy Long picked it, but he’s wrestling Sheamus at the pay-per-view. Is Randy Orton back yet? Maybe it’s THE UNDATAKAH
2. AWWW HERE IT GOES
3. did michael cole just say sin cara was a “popular lucha libre”
4. Alberto just attacked Sin Cara during his entrance, this is gonna be so awesome. I’m happy they’re finally pairing up the two legit lucha guys they have, becau-
5. Wait, is that it?
And then I settled into a happy place where Alberto Del Rio is tired of the stop-and-go bullshit he’s been plagued with since WrestleMania 27 and is ready to once again snap arms in the name of destiny. He’s made it this far without them doing a dumb split angle with Ricardo Rodriguez, so if he Rybacks Sheamus like he Rybacked Sin Cara we’ll be set.
An additional Best goes to any largely Latino wrestling audience. You guys are the best.