Worst: Titus Driver ’12
As I’ve mentioned a few times, Titus O’Neil should not be pro wrestling on television.
The guy is just terrible in the ring. I love the Prime Time Players, but if their entire gimmick is going to be “black guy tag team,” there’s nothing Titus is doing that JTG or even Big E Langston couldn’t do better. The PTP/Car Stereo tag team match last night was perfectly acceptable because tag team wrestling tends to hide weaknesses like O’Neil’s, but man, watching him substantiate The Luck Of The Sin Cara by driving him onto the crown of his head was pretty brutal.
Maybe it was just a botch and we can MS Paint Sin Cara over 1960s Spider-Man some more. Maybe he just got his head lodged in one of Titus’s traps or something. What I’m getting at is that putting Sin Cara and Titus O’Neil is the least safe idea ever and WWE should have it on their security checklist between “take the keys out of the forklifts” and “don’t burn the Undertaker with fire explosions again”. Props to Sin Cara for still being able to walk, I guess.
I’m also really sad that Titus didn’t paint Darren Young’s face onto the back of his head.
Best: Sheamus Vs. Big Show, And How A Finish Can Change An Entire Match
I almost fell asleep on the couch watching Sheamus and Big Show. It was what it should’ve been — an escalation of the Sheamus/Mark Henry match, with Sheamus trying to throw the bombs that normally destroy guys and hitting a brick wall and being forced to up his game — but so much of it was classic Big Show plodding that I couldn’t stay interested. I stuck with it, though, and I’m glad I did.
The finish to Show/Sheamus was BOSS on every level a wrestling finish can be, and it caused me to reevaluate the entire match I’d just watched. You know a finish is effective when it makes you change your mind about plodding. It was perfect. Show didn’t cheat to win or take shortcuts. He did what he said he was gonna do: he wrestled as a “true giant” (which JBL would ABSOLUTELY NOT F**KING SHUT UP ABOUT), took Sheamus’s best shots, survived and knocked him out. Sheamus didn’t take Show seriously enough and got brought right to the precipice of giving up before morphing into SUPER DEATH-BRINGER SHEAMUS and going for that great last Brogue Kick. That shit was INTENSE. That’s where Sheamus really shines … he’s the derpiest guy in the world when he’s trying to read WWE dialogue, but when it comes to looking like he’s gotten the piss beaten out of him and FIRING UP he is the KING. I thought he was going to kick Big Show’s heart through his back. And then, the big moment. Show took advantage of Sheamus yelling BROGUE 10 times before throwing a kick, side-stepped it at the last minute and took him out. A clean pin, and more importantly, an EARNED pin. Super boring, and retroactively the best match of Big Show’s life.
I hope now we can move Sheamus away from the WWE Championship for the calendar year and away from Alberto Del Rio feuds and challenges for the rest of his career.
Best: I Am Ready To Love Big Show Again
Remember when John Laurinaitis fired The Big Show and he had that mopey, beggy thing in the ring? Remember how he came back and the story of his contract signing was kinda stupid, but the result was a fresh, frank Big Show who told John Cena exactly what we were thinking and kicked his ass all the time? For like a month and a half, Big Show was my favorite WWE Superstar. After last night, and especially after last night’s post-match interview, I might be able to call him that again.
I am desperate for legitimacy and sincerity in my pro wrestling. Show won his match clean, following up on the promises he’d made over the last few weeks, then delivered a succinct, sincere statement about how he’d overcome his demons and was ready to defend his title against anything that comes his way. That’s rad. That’s so much better than, “Mexicans, am I right fella? Me gran’ma blah blah blah” or “HOW ABOUT WE DO IT RIGHT HERE TONIGHT” or any variety of WWE Main-Event Speak.
I hope Show holds that belt until [stock response about Mark Henry reemerging and killing people].
Worst: JBL’s Entire Thing During The Divas Match
The Divas match was “good-ish” on the Divas PPV Match We’re Used To scale and pretty hysterically terrible otherwise, made slightly worse by the deader-than-dirt crowd and WAY, WAY worse by JBL.
I don’t even know how to explain it. He turned into John Wayne or something. I know “Divas” isn’t the most forward-thinking thing to call women who wrestle, but it’s what they do, and JBL made it worse by calling them “ladies”. The “ladies title”. It wasn’t horrible like the Zack Ryder Witch thing, but it was weird, especially when he followed it up by saying he wasn’t allowed to look at them because he’s married (“they all look the same!” he joked). Is the purpose of the Divas to be looked at? I mean, honestly. You’re a wrestling announcer, friend. Your job is to watch the wrestling and identify what’s happening and who is doing what. If you or your wife can’t differentiate “Kaitlyn with an armbar” from “I want to tittyf**k the blonde,” the problem is with you guys and your marriage, not with the women in the ring or anything they’re doing.
I don’t want to sound like I’m being melodramatic about it, but it hurt the match a lot. JBL’s a great, knowledgable announcer and the Divas division needs that if it’s going to be any better than it’s been.
Worst: Eve Torres Finds A Way To Make Me Miss The Moonsault
Somewhere John Morrison is shaking his head at you, Eve. Just drop a knee. Just drop a f**king knee. You are not meant to flip, forwards or backwards.