Worst: Finally, The 47% Comment
We’ve been waiting all month for Vince McMahon’s blatant response to the 2012 Presidential Election, and there it is. Kane should’ve just said “RED RULES! POLLING DATA IS MEANINGLESS! TRADITIONAL AMERICA IS DEAD, I’M MITT ROMNEY, BLEARGHHHH” as he walked off screen.
Of course, the segment gets a sentimental best for Daniel Bryan having “empirical polling data,” having accurate Bryan vs. Kane likability stats for every nation on Earth (not to mention an infographic set-up hooked to the backstage monitor) and saying that Kane would’ve polled well IN HELL~. He’s right: Hell is the WWE Universe, and Kane is extremely popular there.
Although … something seems a little fishy …
Something tells me this “wrestling” thing isn’t on the level. (via WWEDanielBryan)
Best: Daniel Bryan Versus Rey Mysterio
I have been waiting a long time for this match to happen. I wrote about it a little when Team Hell No took on Car Stereo, but Daniel “Bryan Danielson” Bryan has been my favorite wrestler for the past decade, and Rey Mysterio is on my shortlist for the objective greatest pro wrestler of all time. They need to have as long as they want to wrestle on a stage grand enough to appreciate them, but not so grand that they aren’t the most important people on the show. I’m thinking a really packed PWG show. Also, it would have to be 1998 Mysterio against 2005 Danielson. Or, I don’t know, current Daniel Bryan against any version of Mysterio that doesn’t wrestle in a shirt and have Sheamus’ pubes on his chin.
I’m giving it a “Best” because reasons, and a secondary Best? for being Daniel Bryan versus Rey Mysterio, yet being like the third best match on the show. How does that happen?
Oh, this could have something to do with it.
Worst: DO NOT CUT TO COMMERCIAL DURING THIS ARGH I SWEAR TO GOD
The two problems I could find with this match (besides the obvious, third problem of Daniel Bryan losing cleanly to a momentum-free kick around the ring post and a splash from a 170 pound guy) are:
1. Daniel Bryan setting up to do the Romero Special, then I guess remembering that Mysterio’s knees are made out of cardboard and scotch tape and doing something else.
2. The gigantic commercial break, right in the middle.
Cutting away from matches, especially in the modern era, can be a good thing. Modern audiences don’t necessarily want to watch the heat, which, if we’re being honest, is mostly for the people in the live crowd. If you can cut away right when the “boring” stuff starts happening and gets the crowd stomping and clapping and cheering for something exciting to happen, you can cut back right when the exciting stuff STARTS happening, and it’s instant at-home heat. The crowd’s going and people are running around and you’re all, “oh, I should pay attention to this”. Right?
The problem is that the best part of a Daniel Bryan match is the boring stuff. It always has been. He’s great in finishing sprints or whatever, but he’s top shelf when he’s just working an armbar or a wristlock, meticulously destroying it, simultaneously enrapturing and pissing off a crowd. He’s the guy who can respond to boring chants with an abdominal stretch, turn an airplane spin or a small package into a marketable, must-see moves in a promotion full of head-dropping or build insane heat for a guy based on a worked cut on the hand. That’s a spectacular, rare talent for a current WWE Superstar, and if I want to see ANY part of a Daniel Bryan match, it’s that part.
I guess the easier point to make here is, “I guess you guys couldn’t have cut away for commercial when AJ and Vickie were yelling at each other about who can get what man, huh?”
Worst: Tensai Stiffing The Shit Out Of Kofi Kingston, Then Losing To A Jumping Lay-Down
Check out where that kick landed, by the way.
I liked parts of this — Tensai seemed to have a sense of urgency going and looked like he actually bothered to scout Kofi’s moves before the match started — but yeah, I think Wade Barrett’s ugly jeans were the best part of the match. You know you’re in a bad place when a guy’s transitional moves are beating you outside of elimination tags.
Jack Swagger Of Mars
Hellas stretched out for miles beneath Jack Swagger’s feet. The arrival platform for the Descent Shaft transport appeared to be made of a thick, translucent, green glass. Jack could make out the shapes of spires and buildings below. Above him stretched the towering structure that had brought him him, coated in the same thick glass, branching out into a spider’s web of tunnels and structures. He took a step forward, and felt as though he were walking up a hill. Hellas was the most fantastic place he’d ever seen, and remember, he’s probably seen Melina’s bikini line.
“Stay close to me,” urged Kaa’orri, sliding a heavy bag up onto her shoulder for stability. “We make the delivery, we get supplies, we get back up. And keep your feet on the ground.”
“Ith that like a metaphoooor, or…”
Kaa’orri rolled her eyes and turned away, stomping across the reflective floor to some unknown destination. Thinking to himself, Jack Swagger shrugged and took a small leap … and became stuck. He slowly began to rise into the air. His eyes bugged out, his mouth opened, his heart began to race. Just as quickly as she’d turned away, Kaa’orri turned back, grabbed him by the wrist and pulled him back to the surface. When Jack’s feet touched the glass, he felt gravity return to him.
“We’re in the center of the planet. Gravity works differently here. If you stay on the floor, you’ll stay on the floor. That’s just how it works. See those huts up there?” She pointed upward, and Jack arched his back to see what appeared to be a thousand little enclaves, built in all directions along the endless walls of the city. “The floor keeps us anchored, no matter which way the world turns.”
“Thath pretty weird, Kaa’ORRI.”
“You’re in the center of Mars,” she barked dismissively. “Get used to the weird stuff.”
As she walked away, Jack Swagger admired her, totally misinterpreting “the weird stuff”. “Ith that where you live,” Jack asked, hurrying along behind her.
“No, that’s where the … how would you put it … fortunate people live. The … the delegates,” she gestured. “The royal family. People of import.”
“Oh,” Jack said, only half listening. “You live down THERE?”
Kaa’orri stopped suddenly, causing Jack to bump into her. She turned and addressed him firmly.
“Do you really need me to explain how the city of Hellas works? Why do you need to know? You’re going to be here for two hours, tops. Rich people up, poor people down.” She turned away and groaned, continuing her purposeful stomp. “It’s like you’ve never seen science fiction before. Don’t you have … classes, on Earth? Castes?”
Jack thought to himself for a moment.
“Tho… up ith John Cena, an’ down ith … Lord Tenthai.”
“I don’t know what any of those words mean.”
“Wull where are YOU from?”
Kaa’orri stopped again, letting the heavy bag drop to the glass surface with an echoing thud.
“I don’t live here. I’m from a surface settlement called Hale Crate. It’s … not much, but it’s where we all live. My family. My brother. It’s a mining town. See this?” She tapped her toe to the great surface platform of Hellas. “It starts off as this.” Kaa’orri reached into her delivery bag and pulled out a handful of small, red beads.
“The process turns it green. I don’t know. We can only mine a bag full of this at a time, so when we fill one up, I bring it down. I’m delivering this one to the King’s engineer. He’ll do whatever with it,” she said, dropping the beads back into the bag. “I really don’t know how it works, but without these, Hellas couldn’t exist. We’ve been doing it for …” she drifted off in thought. “Ten thousand years?”
“Thounds about right. I have no idea EITHER!” Jack smiled. Kaa’orri stared at him for a moment, then once again rolled her eyes, scooped up her bag and moved forward.
The twosome walked quietly through what appeared to be empty streets until they reached the front gates of a magnificent glass palace. It reached as high up as Jack could see, lit from the inside by an unknown source, revealing the fuzzy shapes of a thousand bodies within.
“You stand right here,” Kaa’orri ordered. “And don’t get into any trouble.”