Best: Sheamus/Sandow, Especially When Compared To Cena/Rhodes
It’s a shame that WWE Fan Nation only included two minutes of this match, because it was really fun.
Watching Sandow wrestle Sheamus really shows you how great and giving Sheamus is in the ring. He’s not afraid to get beaten up. When Sandow wrestles a guy like Kane or Cena (or worse, when Cena wrestles Cody Rhodes), he looks like a stooge. A guy who just kinda stumbles around trying to hit a goofy elbow drop until he loses. When he wrestles Sheamus (which we’ve seen him do a few times now), he gets to show that “mean streak” they like to attribute to Killer Kowalski. He looks like a THREAT. A tough guy who can hang with top-shelf WWE guys, because he’s been around long enough to secretly be a top-shelf guy himself.
If you DVR’d the show or whatever, watch Cena/Rhodes, then immediately skip ahead and watch Sheamus/Sandow. Cody Rhodes is every bit as good of a wrestler as Damien Sandow, probably better, and Sheamus is every bit the bland babyface 5-moves of doom death bringer Cena is. But one of the matches is good, and the other is a Divas time-allotted garbage heap. Try to figure out what the difference is.
Best: Logical Responses To Plot-holes
I can’t tell you how happy I am that Chris Jericho’s latest WWE return makes sense. What usually happens is that a guy gets fired, or retires or whatever, and when they need him back he just shows up and is “back,” and nobody questions it. Sometimes they’ll just say I SIGNED A NEW CONTRACT or whatever and it sounds “legal” enough for wrestling fans and they just roll with it.
Here, we have a totally reasonable, logical, character-driven plot point. Dolph Ziggler and Vickie Guerrero were an item. Jericho put his career on the line in a match against Ziggler and lost, and he was gone. Fast forward a bit, and now Ziggler and Guerrero are beefing. She puts him in the number one spot in the Royal Rumble. What can she do to make that worse? Make #2 the guy he hates the most, the future Looper version of himself, Chris Jericho. Sign him back so he can make Ziggler’s life miserable. It works. I totally buy that.
Worst: What, Not Brave Enough To Call Him Ding Dong Tits?
That said, longtime readers know that Sassy Good Guy Chris Jericho is maybe the only character I like less than The Rock, for the exact same reasons I dislike Rock — their heel personas are my FAVORITE THINGS EVER, and when they start throwing in with the fans they abandon every bit of creativity, charisma and intelligence that made them compelling characters in favor of shit like POONTANG PIE and WOULD YOU PLEASE SHUT THE HELL UP.
Jericho wasn’t at his worst last night — his worst involves Classic Concentration photoshops and Planet Of The Apes birthday parties for Stephanie McMahon — but he hit some low notes, including calling AJ a “crazy little doggy” (because she is Ziggler’s ignorable possession) and saying the E in Big E Langston was his bra size. You know, because ladies, I guess?
Yeah, I don’t know. If Jericho’s gonna go the Cena/Rock/Whoever route of “you’re bad because you aren’t a MAN” thing, I’m prepared to give him as much shit as I give anybody else. He’s too talented for that, and his jacket is still too awesome to be worn by someone I hate.
Worst: 5 Minute Versions Of What Should Be The Best Thing Ever
I’m not going to lie: I would pay any amount of money for a 25-minute pay-per-view tag showdown between Dolph Ziggler, Chris Jericho and Team Hell No. Daniel Bryan and Chris Jericho need to finish that feud that began in Bryan’s first “real match” against a WWE pro on NXT, right? Bryan and Ziggler are aces together. Kane’s been motivated with Bryan at his side, and Jericho and Kane have pulled off some decent-ish stuff in the past.
What I don’t really want to see is thrown-together tag team partners facing the only team left in the tag division WHILE THAT TEAM IS ALSO BREAKING UP. It goes five minutes and has a wacky finish where Ziggler gets beaten by one chokeslam after lasting all night in a Royal Rumble. The Team Hell No story starts and stops, Jericho’s being pedantic as f**k and Ziggler’s back on the IT’S RAW, TIME TO LOSE tip. This is not what I want.
OH AND SPEAKING OF WHAT I DON’T WANT
Worst: WWE Karaoke, But You Already Knew That
In the spirit of positivity, here’s what I liked about this segment:
1. 3MB having jeggings for tights, if I haven’t mentioned how much I love that before.
2. Drew McIntyre selling the Khali brain chop better than anyone in history (or the future)
3. I got a perverse joy out of Khali’s “sacksy booooooooooi.”
4. Hornswoggle did not speak.
5. Natalya did not fart.
That is all.