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The Best And Worst Of WWE Royal Rumble 2013

By 01.28.13

Best: Chris Jericho, One More Time (Again)

Hey look, Cool Dad’s back!

I legitimately wasn’t expecting Jericho. I was expecting MVP, or Carlito. Internet, don’t ever lie to me about Carlito again. The next time 411 or whoever is all CARLITO SPOTTED IN PHOENIX HOLDING APPLE IT’S A SCOOP and Carlito doesn’t show up, I’m canceling my Internet forever and taking odd jobs at local farms for the rest of my life. You are forcing me into Man Of Steel-style exile, you dirt sheet f**ks.

Anyway, I’m happy to see Jericho back. I had the highest-possible hopes for his run last year, especially when he showed up as a mute crowd-worker, but it ended up being terrible. He had that limp feud with CM Punk, ended up getting fired out of nowhere on a Raw and that was it. He’s one of the best of our generation, you know? He deserves a for-real “last run” that reminds us why the Conspiracy Victim Jericho and Best In The World At What He Does Jericho were the greatest characters in wrestling history without being either of them. Especially not both of them at the same time, which is what I think he was going for last time.

Even his hair got better as the match went on. Just wet your hair down before the match starts, Chris, you don’t have enough hair to pull off that funny WCW thing anymore.

Best: Goldust

Actually, forget Jericho, because GOLDUST IS BACK.

When Goldust’s music hit, I stood up from the couch, threw up my arms and yelled YES. When I realized he was coming to the ring to confront Cody Rhodes, that “yes” response turned into an actual OH SHIT I CANNOT WAIT TO SEE WHAT HAPPENS YEAH FIGHT pro wrestling thing I wish I could feel more often. Nothing makes me happier right now than the idea of a Goldust/Cody Rhodes WrestleMania match finally happening. Maybe Cody and Damien Sandow as tag team champions defending against Booker T and Goldust.

Goldust is one of those guys you know you can bring back every three years or whatever and not only will he get a nostalgia pop, he’ll be GOOD. You can put Goldust in the ring with anybody in WWE right now and it’ll be a great match. Goldust is the kind of guy Wade Barrett should be taking on while he holds the Intercontinental Championship … guys who have a lot of experience and really know how to work, and can help Wade even out the edges in his own wrestling. I still positive that Sheamus is only as good as he is between the ropes because he spent his first few TV months f**king with Goldust.

Keep him around, please.

Best: Cody Rhodes Was The Best Part Of The Entire Rumble

For real. Nobody played a character at the Royal Rumble better than Cody Rhodes. Maybe the “Cody’s Mustache” thing and Damien Sandow’s instaheat has freed him up to really dig in to what makes Cody Rhodes great, but he’s figured it out, and he is suddenly the most effective, opportunistic jerk in the company. He had a lot of great moments during the match, but these two were my favorites:

1. His elimination of Goldust.

Cody Rhodes Royal Rumble

He HAD to be the guy to eliminate Goldust, right? The look he gave Goldy, with his arm draped over the top rope, has to be the greatest inaudible Nelson Muntz laugh ever. He brought it back, too, for Great Cody Rhodes Royal Rumble Moment #2:

2. His elimination of Kofi Kingston.

Well, hold on, I should explain this, first.

Worst: Kofi Kingston Is Stupid

I talk a lot of shit about Kofi Kingston in this column (which some of you take very seriously, because I guess you weren’t around when I was ragging on John Morrison every week and formally transferred my Eat Your Lunch animosity over to Kofi when Morrison got fired), but he has a very important role in these Royals Rumble: do the fun athletic thing.

In last year’s Rumble, Kofi did that thing where he avoided elimination by walking on his hands. It wasn’t as good as the time Morrison Spider-Man’d the security railing and found his way back into the ring, but it was pretty special, and shows up in basically every Rumble video package. Now they have to keep topping it, so for this year’s moment they had him stumble off the apron, jump onto Tensai’s back, ride poor Lord Dugong around like a cyclops in ‘God Of War’ and end up stranded on the Spanish announce table. How did Kofi avoid elimination, you may be asking? He asked Drunk JBL for his chair, then bounced it toward the ring like a pogo stick until he could put his ass on the apron. See:

It was fine for what it was, but oh my God was it stupid. This isn’t me hating on Kofi as a gag, I just think it was dumber than shit. If you’re stranded on the announce table, there are SO MANY WAYS to get back into the ring. The easiest way would be, I don’t know, hop on one foot? Just put one foot down and hop over to the apron. You’re still in. You’ve got that surfboard sized protective covering you’re standing on, right? Drop that on the ground and walk over like a bridge. If you can stand on a table and not be out, there are no thickness limits for objects allowed between your feet on the floor. You could also do the John Morrison thing and take like, one step to your right, jump from the rail to the stairs and still be in. OR, if you get a chair, why not just sit down in the chair and push it over? You can even use your one leg to “row” it. OR JUST USE MANY CHAIRS AND WALK ACROSS THEM. I feel like pogo sticking it over was seriously the stupidest and least reasonable way to get back over.

Cody Rhodes agreed, and as soon as Kofi got up on the apron, he handled it.

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