Worst: Robbie…Robbie, I told you no….don’t…
Further worst: Why aren’t you on the list, bro?
Monolithic Robbie? Where are ya, bro? You two can’t really be…I mean, no no. It’s fine. It’s just a bit of tension because you’re trying to play up to the British crowd. It’s cool! It’s totally fine. You’re just off styling your hair or letting out the sleeves on your new matching argyle sweaters or-
brb, using my official Robbie E rosary to pray for your swift and joyous reunion. ‘Cause the higher the fist-pump, the closer to god, right?
Worst: The Knockouts title change, or, this is the polite way of saying Velvet Sky, you are terrible
Because Velvet Sky, you are terrible. To your credit, you are not the worst wrestler to ever wrestle. You are slightly better than Miss Tessmacher, but…that is not saying much. Guuuuuurl, you have been wrestling for ten goddamn years. You are still working that summer grocery store cashier job you got when you were sixteen to have extra cash for the movies and to spend at whatever the American equivalent of Ardene is, while Gail Kim is already moving on to become partner in a private medical practice. Like hey, maybe take some time out from skinning muppets to make those legwarmers and refine that sh-tty finisher a little. Maybe ask for some help. You are actively employed to wrestle in a company of wrestlers who put on a wrestling television show and numerous wrestling house shows. Is no one available to help you? Here are some helpful tips on what to google:
- Christopher Daniels Angels Wings
- Triple H Pedigree
- Icarus Wings of Icarus
- CM Punk Pepsi Plunge (should you feel ambitious) (don’t get ambitious)
- How to blend blonde highlights
If the person in your company who is probably around a lot more than you who also happens to use a variation of the same finisher is unavailable, maybe ask your boyfriend. You are essentially dating at least a National semi-finalist spelling bee contestant, and your crosswords don’t make any damn sense because you think 34-Across: First day of Lent is “Ash Wennsday.”
I know, I know. It’s hard. Your face turn blows. Your gimmick is basically that you are there. You have pigeons residing in your uterus, and that can’t be comfortable at all. Your old frenemy Madison Rayne is wandering, alone and lost, somewhere in Universal Studios, living off of stale popcorn and discarded Butterbeer. But maybe, just maybe, make a wee bit more effort? Or go the opposite way, surprise us all, and own your crappiness. Run up to that camera, rub your asshole all over it, and shout THIS IS WHAT I DO. I don’t care. Just decide who you want to be, and be it. For all of our sakes.
Worst: And while we’re chatting…
‘Sup, TNA. Remember that time you had the chance to sign LuFisto? We’ll call it every second you don’t sign LuFisto? Maybe now is a good time to seriously assess this match, scrap the Gut Check voting shenanigans, get her on board, and have her clear out the riff raff in stunning fashion.
Worst: But no seriously, that Knockouts Match
I understand that Velvet Sky’s title win is a means to an end when it comes to advancing the storyline between Gail Kim and Taryn Terrell, but this is well and truly a useless title change. The only possible reason I could see for taking the belt off of her is the idea that Brooke whispered to Terrell at the beginning of the match that Tara had to lose, because she doesn’t like her and they’re gonna have a thing. Regardless, Velvet is just a bit player achieving something she really has no business having, and we get more Brooke Hogan on TV. Does anyone win in that scenario? No.
The fact that it could lead to two storylines for a division at an incredibly low point where most ladies don’t even get one is a good thing, but I’m still going to keep this as worst, because the primary storyline is “Taryn Terrell doesn’t know what the eff she’s doing, and Gail Kim is a big ol’ b word for pointing it out.” Really? I know Gail Kim has a talent for effective, snarky heelishness, but I’m sorry, someone please take Taryn aside and literally show her the ropes. Tell her how they work in relation to pin attempts and submissions. Unless you’re about to get incredibly meta and point out that you hired someone because she’s cute, made her shrink her outfit and get her tits out because “women’s wrestling,” and in reality she has no idea what the hell she’s doing…well, even then that’s still kind of bad, but I’ll accept it if you stay confident and run with it.
Tune in next week when my skepticism is fully vilified by Taryn appearing in a regulation referee thong revealing that she has #slapnuts tattooed on her left buttcheek.
Worst: Mike Tenay
When you’re giving Taryn a lesson on those pesky ring ropes, maybe have Mike Tenay tag along. “Clean win” my pigeon-free fanny, Mike!