As much as I’ve come to enjoy E!’s Total Divas for all the wrong and mostly-unintended reasons, it does have its drawbacks. For one, I may have to start seeing a therapist soon to discuss my secondhand depression that I’ve developed from watching the WWE push Nattie into rush hour traffic each week, but much worse is the fact that unless I exhibit precision DVR timing, I have to watch as many as six seconds of Keeping Up with the Kardashians. Each second that I watch takes approximately 40 years off of my life, so I hope you all appreciate my sacrifice.
That said, let’s dive into the deep end of Total Divas, or as I now like to call it, “That show that has one segment of the Bella Twins, then a quick bit about another girl or team, followed by more Bella Twins, then another girl for a minute or two, then a commercial for Chelsea Lately, before the Bella Twins wrap everything up, and maybe four seconds of Nattie if E! couldn’t lock down that new Tampax account” and Episode 3, “Planet Funk is Funked Up,” in order of Diva appearances from Nattie to everyone that mattered.
Poor, Poor, Poor, Poor Nattie
Thirty-four minutes. That’s how long it took for Nattie to finally show up. Hell, even the girls who wrestle for NXT and aren’t considered important enough to have their names mentioned got more face time this week. Anyway, Nattie finally arrived so she could lie about how much she likes working with the new girls.
Then she became JoJo’s shoulder and ear about her stupid, doughy boyfriend, Sebastian, who we’ll get to in a moment. Nattie made JoJo cry and then hugged her, which marked the most physical contact she’s had since the first episode.
By the end of this series, Nattie’s listing on the IMDB page will say, “Uncredited.”
Eva Marie and JoJo? More Like JoJo And Eva Marie
After we got to watch JoJo play second fiddle to Eva Marie’s slutty banjo in the Bang Fandango For Success Good Time Bluegrass Band, this episode was JoJo’s turn to put on the charm and shine for approximately six minutes. Of course, it also helped that JoJo suffered a concussion during NXT training, so it made it all the more convenient that her boyfriend, Sebastian, was stopping by to check on her this week.
The injury part was important to the mandatory nine seconds of actual wrestling talk per episode, as General Hugh G. Rection showed us how serious this business is when he pulled Eva Marie aside to tell her that she basically sucks at wrestling. If you’re keeping track at home, Eva Marie can’t dance or wrestle. But at least she can glue a white dress to her body at Raw, and for that I am thankful to have her in my life.
But Sebastian is the real star of this bit of the episode, because he’s just a dude’s bro and a bro’s dude, who wants his babe in his life 24-7. By the way, how much of a broey duder is Sebastian? He has a white belt and wears his socks pulled up with shorts. Ain’t got time to care, bitches.
JoJo and Seabass have been together for 11 months, which is almost five times as long as Eva Marie and her fiancé, Not Fandango, so the pressure on them to get engaged must be incredible. That’s why Seabass lays down the thunder on his babe, because he’s not here to be the Aftershock to the WWE’s Jager. He needs to be the top pair of white sunglasses in JoJo’s life or he’s gonna take his box of Magnum condoms that he keeps regular Trojans in to the next babe in line at the Macklemore show.
After Seabass breaks up with JoJo, she considers leaving the WWE all together because the man comes first in life. It’s hilarious how none of these guys respects how important these jobs are to the women. Well, except for John Cena, because he’s cool with just buying Nikki Bella a $100,000 Range Rover whenever she wants, and Daniel Bryan, because he actually loves and respects Brie Bella. Either way, JoJo tells Eva Marie that she’s considering quitting and she responds, “Whaaaaaaaa?” Seriously, that was basically Eva Marie’s response to everything. That and lines from Nicholas Sparks novels.
In the end, JoJo chooses the WWE over Doofus McGee and she sends him packing, perhaps so he can make it back in time for Bladder Bust at Titty Twister’s nickel pitcher night. Of course, you all saw this coming because you know that JoJo is currently dating Justin Gabriel. I’m very happy that I accidentally found that information so that I can pretend that I knew it all along.
This Episode Was Named After The Funkadactyls
Trinity and Jimmy Uso love each other very much, but she doesn’t wear her engagement ring when she wrestles and that pisses him off. Trinity says she doesn’t wear the ring because management tells her not to, and that still pisses him off. She wants to keep their personal stuff to them, but he wants her to wear their wedding rings when they finally get married. This is stupid, because this is how she earns a living and he should let her make money and achieve fame, while also not putting themselves at risk of losing their expensive rings.
Also, it should be pointed out that in between Trinity and Jimmy saying the same two things to each other – “Babe, can we talk?” and “Not right now” – we were able to watch Trinity training with General Rection. She’s actually a very talented wrestler, which is something that should at least be mentioned when discussing a show that’s supposed to be about female wrestlers trying to earn the respect of fans and their peers, but is instead about who they’re dating.
For some reason – I’m guessing it’s that whole scripted thing – Jimmy called Trinity out in front of the training crew because she won’t make a decision on their wedding or whatever. Later, in Trinity’s apartment (which is odd because I don’t think they live together despite Jimmy making such a huge deal about marriage), Jimmy finally snapped and shouted, “Do you even want to be together?” Trinity responded, “I’m here ain’t I?” to win the award for worst possible response in that situation.
Fortunately, Trinity left a small glass on the counter and Jimmy smashed it against the ground because he’s so pissed… PISSED WITH LOVE! I don’t know where Jimmy went, but I noticed that he wears the same white belt that Seabass wears, so maybe they could get together and form a therapy group. It’s also at this point that I realized that nobody on this show has anything hanging on their walls in their homes, except for a few inspirational posters. Someone should buy them all a camera.
By now, I’m sure you’re wondering what happened to the other half of Trinity’s tag team, Ariane. She had tonsillitis and didn’t show up until 45 into the show, but she made up for it by also describing her urinary tract infection. TMI? More like MIAYVAUTP (More Information About Your Vagina And Urinary Tract, Please). Also, none of the women know if tonsillitis is contagious, because when’s that stupid information ever going to matter?
Well, wouldn’t you know it – the Funkadactyls and those guys they hang out with have an 8-person tag match scheduled for that Raw against the Bella Twins and the Usos. That’s right, Trinity has to wrestle against her fiancé, whom she just had a huge fight with. I mean, what a coincidence! But the Funkadactyls are the only other women in the WWE – there’s definitely no one named Nattie – so they have to get past their stupid illnesses and heated domestic disputes and simply do their jobs.
The best part of this episode involved Trinity’s reaction to Nikki Bella hugging all over Jimmy Uso at the start of the match – I hate that I don’t have a cap of this – because we’re supposed to believe that Trinity would go into rage mode and start intentionally injuring her competitors and risk her entire job, as if someone couldn’t just hold her back. But Trinity’s rage causes Nikki to tag Jimmy into the match and – can you even believe it??? – the angry lovers are now airing their personal problems in the middle of the ring! Haha, you can’t write this stuff!
A voiceover explains that the WWE rule regarding mixed gender matches disallows men from actually wrestling women, despite the fact that we have eyes and have seen this happen before, but Trinity can’t contain her rage and delivers a stunning hurricanrana to Jimmy. Boy, he never saw that coming!
Anyway, you remember the previous paragraphs and how Trinity and Jon were fighting so much and he broke a glass in her apartment and she “surprised” him with that attack in the ring? Yeah, they apologized and it’s all good. She’s his “filet mignon” and he’s her “big chicken nugget.” Thank goodness they worked all that out in 45 minutes.
And Now, The Most Important Bella Twins
The Bella Twins live together in San Diego when they’re not traveling on the road with the WWE, and despite the fact that Brie is engaged and will soon marry Bryan and Nikki is desperate to get Cena to pop the question, even though he won’t, we’re supposed to believe that Nikki somehow believes that they’d live together in San Diego forever.
Brie also explains that life is very hard being a Diva, because she’s always on the road, but she’s always on the road with her sister and boyfriend, so aside from leaving her dog at home, this doesn’t make much sense. But who am I to question these twin sisters, who also claimed that they have their own language and that’s why they’re allowed to sometimes butcher the English language.
In order to solve that whole dog problem, Brie and Bryan decide to move to Phoenix so they can be closer to the dog in San Diego. If you think that doesn’t make any sense at all, remember that the entire last episode was about how Bryan wants to start his own family with Brie in the house he grew up in, and by this point your brain should be done.
The real problem with Phoenix, though, is that Nikki is going to be furious when Brie and Bryan tell her that they’re moving there, and they were completely right, because after Nikki tells Brie that she “worked her booty last night,” which means she had sex with Cena, she becomes irate that she’s going to be left to handle their “eBay stuff” in San Diego. Of course, nobody mentions the fact that if Cena proposes like Nikki has been begging him to, she’d move to Tampa. But that’s logic and there’s no place for that kind of crap here.
Laughing Daniel Bryan is my new spirit animal.
If you thought Nikki was pissed before, wait until Brie forgets their lunch meeting for their first movie project, which doesn’t have a name but is being produced by R. Scott Reid (Wild Cherry, starring Rumer Willis and Kristin Cavallari Cutler) and directed by Paul Bunch (co-executive producer of the Dax Sheppard “comedy” Hit and Run). Nobody leaves Paul Bunch waiting, and you can bet that the guy with no feature directorial experience will not stand for one of his actresses having a tardiness problem.
Oh, did I already say that something was my favorite part of the episode? Because I lied. The best part of this episode is when Nikki shows up to Brie’s apartment with one box and she says, “I brought you a box.” One whole box. Nikki’s a f*cking saint, y’all. And then she proceeds to tear into Brie and Bryan, telling Bryan that he’s a dick for even letting Brie get a dog in the first place (I kind of agree, seeing as they’ve just left it in San Diego) and ultimately that she hates them both. Then she gets into her $100,000 Range Rover that her boyfriend bought for her and drives off.
Later, Nikki reveals to Cena what happened and he takes Brie’s and Bryan’s side because he thinks that Bryan is a great guy and the hardest working guy in the WWE, and as Cena is telling her this, he left his blinker on for like two minutes and it drove me insane. But Cena talks some sense into his girl and she realizes that she’s been taking her frustrations out on Brie and Bryan because she’s upset that Cena won’t cave in and marry her.
So Brie was finishing up the packing and Nikki stopped by to apologize. They really missed a great opportunity to have Nikki ask if they forgive her and Bryan pops out of a box and shouts, “YES! YES! YES!” But that would require this show to be scripted.
By the way, Nikki’s boobs are the stars of this episode. She demands that you all pay attention to them.
NEXT WEEK: Everyone thinks Nikki is fat and Nattie’s boyfriend with his sweet David Hasselhoff hair pisses her off because he won’t have sex with her. Man, she can’t get any action in or out of the ring!