It seems like things got back to normal in Week 2 of this NFL season, with many of the guys who we expect to be our fantasy football anchors performing like they should every single week in our silly, warped minds. True to my “bold” prediction, there are more serviceable quarterbacks now than in recent years, which is making those of us who hung our hats on an elite or near-elite QB feel pretty stupid right about now.
That is, unless you had Aaron Rodgers, who was the Big Daddy Long Dong Start of the Week, as if you’d ever even think about benching him, as he probably put up 42 points or more for you, depending on your league’s scoring. Sadly, the same can’t be said for a schmuck like me who went all in with Colin Kaepernick.
As always, let’s bust out the sob stories and lend each other our ears and eyes for the unforeseeable mistakes that cost us fantasy football victories this week.
The Guy Who Probably Kicked Your Ass This Week: Aaron Rodgers, 480 yards, 4 touchdowns and 40+ fantasy points
I say that he probably kicked your ass this week because I know someone who had Rodgers and still lost, and I think that’s a testament to the ability to draft depth if you’re willing to risk your first round pick on an “elite QB,” but that proved a costly risk this week, as Rodgers was the only of the so-called elite QBs to score north of 25 this week (depending on your league’s scoring, in case I’ve never mentioned this before).
The QBs That Probably Broke Your Hearts: Colin Kaepernick, Terrelle Pryor, Eli Manning, Russell Wilson, Tom Brady, Carson Palmer, Drew Brees, Peyton Manning
I’m only including Peyton Manning in this category this week because to go from 63 to 21 points in one week is pretty disappointing to fantasy owners who were all thinking, “Bros, what if he does this every week? I’ll be unstoppable!” Otherwise, I’m sure that Kaepernick was the guy who caused the most people to sob into their couch cushions or bar napkins, even though they should have known that Seattle’s defense at home was going to devour him. I actually started Matt Schaub over Kaepernick in one league and I felt so smart until I still lost by 50.
Also, normally wouldn’t include Pryor on this list at all because who the hell starts him? But I know how people are about their flavors of the week, so I’m willing to bet at least a few people started him and were like, “What the f*ck, man?”
The RBs That Probably Broke Your Hearts: David Wilson, Ray Rice, Maurice Jones-Drew, Stevan Ridley, Ryan Matthews, Darren Sproles, Steven Jackson, DeMarco Murray, Reggie Bush, Daryl Richardson, Trent Richardson, Adrian Peterson, Chris Johnson
Let’s call this week’s crop of sh*tty RB performances the “Under 10 Crowd,” because some of these guys were okay, but when AP and Trent Richardson aren’t scoring 10 points each week for us, I’m sure a lot of people are ready to rip all of their hair out. I have the honor of having Ray Rice and Stevan Ridley on the same team, which explains that aforementioned 50-point loss.
Meanwhile, everyone is going to be falling all over themselves to pick up Knowshon Moreno and James Starks after their strong performances, which will obviously lead to some humorous anger when it doesn’t happen again.
The WRs That Probably Broke Your Hearts: Anquan Boldin, Lance Moore, Golden Tate/Sidney Rice, Roddy White, Kenny Britt, Larry Fitzgerald, Reggie Wayne, AJ Green, Demaryius Thomas, Antonio Brown, Steve Smith, Vincent Jackson, Hakeem Nicks
This was a huge week for the elite WRs, with Calvin Johnson, Julio Jones, Randall Cobb, Brandon Marshall and Dez Bryant putting up big numbers, as well as the more questionable talented receivers like DeSean Jackson, Jordy Nelson, Mike Wallace, Steve Johnson and James Jones providing a ton of points. But the No. 1 guy? Eddie-F*cking-Royal? God, the Chargers are maddening right now. A fun idea for your league’s waivers for this week would be to change to an auction style, because I would love to see how much desperate people would pay for Royal. Me? Easily $50.
As for the suck party, I could have included a few more guys, but I have no pity for you if you got at least 8 points out of a WR this week, when I had to start Antonio Brown and Denarius Moore, because I was already dead wrong about Golden Tate. I simply flew too close to the sun with wings made of a dipsh*t theory that receiver depth was incredible this season. Of course, it is, but I just didn’t bother grabbing any of the good receivers.
The Year Of The Tight End Continues
The one truly elite TE, Jimmy Graham, had a truly elite week with 23 points, but behind that second round pick were a bunch of waiver wire guys who continued to prove that every team has been watching the New England Patriots while thinking, “Hey, maybe we should throw to tight ends more often, too.” Nine TEs scored double digits (depending on blah blah blah) while 12 at least scored a TD.
Of course, the TEs that probably broke your hearts were Vernon Davis (please be okay, VD), Jason Witten, Jared Cook and Tony Gonzalez, who were all worthless in fantasy this week.
In the meantime, have fun hoping that the five guys in front of you in the waiver order forget to put in their claims on Eddie Royal or James Starks, because that’s exactly what I’ll be doing, even though we’ve seen this Starks song and dance before.