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Lindsey Vonn Totally Didn’t Cheat On Tiger Woods

By / 09.12.13

(via Getty Image)


Perhaps the National Enquirer’s greatest turd that stuck to a wall was the 2009 revelation that the world’s greatest golfer, Tiger Woods, had been cheating on his wife, Elin Nordegren, with a bevy of women including Rachel Uchitel and a Perkins waitress. Woods’ career hasn’t been the same since he was publicly raked across the coals and forced to forfeit more than $110 million in his messy divorce, but he has tried very hard to climb back into our good graces, and he seems to be very happy with his new girlfriend and fellow athlete Lindsey Vonn.

Except, wouldn’t you know it, here comes the Enquirer again with a new report that Vonn is actually cheating on Woods, which the supermarket shelf tabloid calls a “dose of his own medicine.” Let’s get the popcorn ready!

Bill Hader

In a bombshell ENQUIRER exclusive, we reveal how the golf great’s gorgeous girlfriend, Olympic skiing champ Lindsey Vonn, turned the tables on him.

“Lindsey is not a nun,” said a source. “She’s a very physical, very attractive young woman with a very strong athlete’s ego. She wants her own fame – not his. Now it looks like she’s checking out the field.”

Now, we’re the first to report about Lindsey’s wild fling behind Tiger’s back. An eyewitness provided us dramatic details of the encounter, including: “…Lindsey’s free hand was around his neck, drawing him closer while his hand was gripping her rear end…”

And what happened next??? God, you can’t just leave us hanging like that, National Enquirer. Now we’ll have to go out and actually buy your magazine and read the rest of the story. It’s almost like some kind of a marketing strategy.

Or I can just get the rest of the information from the NY Daily News:

“After the concert was over, Lindsey and a group of female friends, carrying drinks, made their way backstage, and Lindsey spotted a guy she very obviously knew well,” a source told the Enquirer. “She threw herself into his arms and they started on a long session of deep kissing that went on for several minutes.”

Looks like the skier has switched to tonsil hockey…

Colbert high five

Of course, Vonn also denied the story, so who the hell knows what the truth is? And even if she did make out with another guy, would Tiger really mind? That’s a get out of jail free card, and you can bet your ass he’d be ordering the Ooh-la-la French Toast the next morning.


TAGScheatersEASY TIGER WOODS JOKESGOLFLINDSEY VONNPGATHE NATIONAL ENQUIRERTIGER WOODS

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