UFC returns to pay-per-view as we are in the midst of a stretch of roughly a million events in a million consecutive weeks. The co-main event might feature a short-notice former-barista with the nickname of “Durkin”, but it’s probably still gonna be a fun card. You can check out a plethora of information on the card at the official UFC 170 page, and you can see me try to make one and a third jokes over at my UFC 170 event primer. There are 7 people without Wikipedia pages stretched across 11 fights, so Burnsy and myself are going to dive headfirst into the picks!
Lightweight – Ernest “The Mad Titan” Chavez vs Yosdenis “The Pink Panther” Cedeno
Jessica: I really like both of these dudes’ nicknames, but I have to give the overall edge to Yosdenis.
Burnsy: Ernest should hire a corner guy named Vern. That would instantly become my favorite gimmick in professional fighting. I’ll pick him for making me think of that.
Lightweight – Rafaello “Trator” Oliveira vs Erik “New Breed” Koch
Jessica: Koch is a beastly man, and last time I remember seeing Oliveira, he was getting his leg kicked off by Edson Barboza. I expect Koch to silence any Hecklers, and take out Oliveira with a BOOM! headshot high kick (how are these gun jokes treatin’ ya?)
Burnsy: I’m picking Koch because his name reminded me of The Critic and specifically this clip. Thank you, Erik Koch.
Flyweight – Zach “Fun Size” Makovsky vs Josh “The Gremlin” Sampo
Jessica: Makovsky had a great debut against Scott Jorgensen, so I’m really confused as to why he’s so low on the prelims. I’m breaking my rule of “pick dudes what are nicknamed ‘Gremlin’” because “Fun Size” is so good. I’m taking Makovsky to win by wrestling-related TKO.
Burnsy: Makovsky made an instant fan out of me with his win over Scott “The Guy in the Next Cubicle” Jorgensen, and I also like that he chose to fight again so soon because he didn’t want to be stuck on an online fight. I’m sticking with him.
Bantamweight – Cody “Renegade” Gibson vs Aljamain “Funk Master” Sterling
Jessica: Another set of two dudes I know nothing about, so once again, I must turn to the nicknames. “Renegade” is pretty generic and conjures up bad memories of mid-90s WCW, so I’m going with the “Funk Master” to win by submission.
Burnsy: “Funk Master” every time. He better have awesome entrance music, though.
Bantamweight – Raphael Assuncao vs Pedro “The Young Punisher” Munhoz
Jessica: Assuncao is pretty fantastic at BJJ, Munhoz probably isn’t, so Raphael should get moderately easy submission victory.
Burnsy: Assuncao (pronounced: Ass-on-cow by me) has won five in a row since losing his UFC debut to my man Erik Koch, including his FotN against TJ Dillashaw back in October. He’s the No. 3-ranked Bantamweight fighter right now, and after Urijah Faber’s disappointing loss to Renan Barao, and with Michael McDonald having lost to Faber, it should be Assuncao’s time for a title shot. And because Francisco Rivera backed out with an injury and Munhoz is stepping in for his debut, this should be a gimme. All of that said, don’t fuck this up, Assuncao.
Women’s Bantamweight – Alexis “Ally-Gator” Davis vs Jessica “Evil” Eye
Jessica: Davis is another reptile-named grappler, and Ronaldo Souza has shown that is a good thing to be. Davis should be able to net herself a submission, and even if she somehow loses, Eye might test positive for weed again, making it a No Contest.
Burnsy: I’m picking Eye again (I think I picked her last time) but holy crap, fighters, can you put down your bongs long enough to not let weed cost you fights? How important is getting high compared to a successful career? Don’t answer that if you’re a rapper or Sage Kotsenburg.
Welterweight – Robert Whittaker vs Stephen “Wonderboy” Thompson
Jessica: Thompson kicks people in fun and exciting ways, so I’m expecting a lot of that. Whittaker isn’t bad, but I don’t think he’s a better striker, and probably isn’t good enough at wrestling to grind Thompson into paste. “Wonderboy” wins by KO.
Burnsy: I’m taking Thompson. No real explanation for this one. Sorry.
Welterweight – Mike “Quicksand” Pyle vs TJ Waldburger
Jessica: Waldburger usually has pretty fun ground fights, and everything about Mike Pyle is pretty rad. I’m really excited, and I think Pyle will put together some solid shots and win by TKO.
Burnsy: Both guys are coming off of first round KO losses, but I think Pyle will be more likely to get back on track and start winning again.
Welterweight – Rory “Ares” MacDonald vs Demian Maia
Jessica: If this fight manages to hit the canvas, I’m pretty confident that Maia will trounce Rory Mac. However, I’m pretty sure that MacDonald will use his jab to keep Maia at bay, and if any clinches happen, Rory’s bacne-riddled frame should keep him slippery enough to avoid takedowns. MacDonald wins this fight by tepid decision.
Burnsy: I still don’t know what the hell happened with MacDonald in that last loss to Robbie Lawler. I think I just overestimated MacDonald and underestimated Lawler. I’m still really disappointed over it, because I want MacDonald to be the champ because he dresses so well. This is so tough. I’m picking Mac again, but if he loses, I will never trust him again.
Light Heavyweight – Daniel “DC” Cormier vs Patrick “Durkin” Cummins
Jessica: Cummins is a dorkus malorkus and a jerk, so I’m just hoping Cormier smashes his face into a jelly.
Burnsy: Cormier says that he’s going to whoop Cummins’s ass the whole time and I believe him.
Women’s Bantamweight – “Rowdy” Ronda Rousey vs Sara McMann
Jessica: On one hand, McMann is cool, an excellent grappler, and has shown she can throw around larger opponents. On the other, it’s Ronda Rousey, and if you don’t think the fight is ending by hold #792, ARMBAR, you must be pretty new to MMA. Ronda takes the fight, the title, and McMann’s limb.
Burnsy: I feel like we’re getting close to a point where Rousey is going to snap from the pressure of being the most hated UFC champ, and you know what? Screw it, I think it’s now. I’m picking McMann. I might look like an idiot right now, but if she pulls off the upset, I AM A GOD!