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The Best And Worst Of Impact Wrestling 3/27/14: I Choo-Choo-Choose You

By 03.28.14

also fwiends

Best: That Magnus. He’s so hot right now.

Abyss is all butthurt because he doesn’t like losing, but Magnus reminds him that he employs Abyss, and that he’ll have to lose next week. You think he’s being really mean, but then as he’s leaving he asks if Abyss wants to go back to being their freakshow, because obviously he cares about Abyss being treated fairly because he cares about Abyss hold up where’d I get this conductor’s hat oh wait because I’ve taken over the Magnus/Abyss friendship train.

Best: Total Nonstop Sad Dads

“Yeah, you’re damn right I left to chase my dream of smiling and clapping and getting blowies from Floridian sex workers, sorry about your arcade or whatever, pantsless lady.”

I don’t know why this lady isn’t wearing any pants, but I do know that if this is an elaborate backstory leading to Knux bringing his Sad Dad back to the Impact Zone to hang with Gunner’s Sad Dad in a Sad Dadstravaganza that leads to Impact 365 videos each week of Sad Dadventures, holy jeepers yes please.

Worst: Madison Rayne vs. Angelina Love

Immediately fired forever.

Worster Worst: That Velvet Sky DDT

Immediately fired forever

Absolute Worst: Samuel Shaw vs. Feeling Comfortable Watching Television

It’s all fun and games and jerkoff mannequins until someone physically intimidates a crying woman who’s been stalked and assaulted and harassed without consequence leading up to that moment. Like…what is this mess? Did someone read through Hemme’s Twitter mentions after the Aries incident and think “holy shit they’re right, her skirts are short, that slut DID deserve it!” What is wrong with the person who thought this is a good idea? Why do they get to enact these creepy and socially harmful fantasies? Why…why why why?

Both Brandon and I get a lot of flak for pointing out the disgusting treatment of females on wrestling television, and I think the saddest comment is always “Why are you even trying? It’s just wrestling. It’ll never change.” This is why. Because if you can watch something like that and say yes, there is definitively a place in wrestling for women to be treated like that, then you are a psycho, and people like you need to stop being involved in wrestling, or really anything that involves other human beings. This is proof positive that things should, nay, HAVE to change.

There is no balance, there is no consequence, there is no “this is an example of what is never, ever okay under any circumstances.” I do not watch to be made to feel lesser. I do not watch in hopes that a moment like this will fuel a so-called “feminist bitch rant” because I want to “talk down” to people about a dumb show on television. I watch to be entertained. I watch because I love wrestling, and I love writing about it. But you have to remember that what I watch tells me that I am worthless, and have no value, and it is perfectly acceptable to treat me the same way women are treated on this show. Never an equal, always catty, utterly disposable, someone who needs to be destroyed as soon as they’re even a little genuinely empowered. Someone to be verbally and physically mistreated at whim because whatever, she’s just a bitch anyways. Shaw’s one week suspension isn’t satire based on the very real existence of rape-culture’s effect on how the real world deals with harassment in the workplace. This is bad storytelling. This is an engrained culture of misogyny that defies all logic by still existing in 2014 on your wrestling show that is about fakes fights and reasons to get into them. This isn’t some ultraviolent HBO thinkpiece television show. This “drama” doesn’t elevate the medium, it puts you right down in the muck.

If you like this, or you’re responsible for this, you are a bad person, and you should feel bad.

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