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The Best And Worst Of Smackdown 3/21/14: We Were Down There!

By 03.22.14


Best: One Hell Of A Job Evaluation

Unfortunately a pretty solid four-way for the tag team #1 contendership ended in DQ when Kane interfered, but then things got surprisingly great. By now Kane is pretty well established as the most ineffectual member of The Authority (yes, I’m including Brad Maddox and the ghost of Teddy Long in that statement). His job is just to come out, say the boring stuff Triple H and Stephanie can’t be arsed to do and absorb knees to the face from Daniel Bryan. Over the past few weeks though, a somewhat more interesting character has been emerging — Kane, vengeful middle manager. The guy who makes life hell for the guys immediately under him, while desperately trying to fly under the radar of the bosses above him.

Kane rounding up a bunch of nobodies, sycophants and opportunists who would usually be below The Authority’s notice to be his middle management Authority posse was perfect. Seeing The Shield brought low was striking because we’ve so rarely seen them vulnerable, and the humiliation stings even worse when dad jeans Billy Gun and Road Dogg are the ones hanging out the beatings. Roman Reigns crawling to the ring to try to save his teammates was a fantastic visual — inspiring and heartbreaking at the same time. Arrrgh! Why are you so good at this The Shield? You made a beatdown featuring the New Age Outlaws and Slacks Kane one of my favorite segments so far this year.

Worst: I’ll Take Three, I’ll Take Three

Poor Big E — dude has at least one boot firmly planted in the Intercontinental Championship mire of misery at this point. Now he’s eating pins off Alberto Del Rio superkicks, which is about as low as the momentum needle goes. Even Wade Barrett got to successfully defend his title on PPV after losing pitifully for a month. What’s this leading to? Both these guys are in the payday battle royal at Wrestlemania.

The only way I’d accept a superkick leading to the finish of a Big E/Del Rio match would be if Big E caught Del Rio’s foot between his pecs and tore his skinny leg off with a flex. Biggy, buddy, at this point I don’t think anybody’s going to blame you if the airline “loses” the IC title somewhere between Peoria and Birmingham.

Worst: I Am Not Enjoying This Man Baby On Crazy Lady Romance

So, Santino is backstage wearing what looks to be a bib. A motherly lady carefully daubs at his face while he recounts a date with Emma I feel blessed to have missed. As Santino nauseatingly details how much he loves Emma’s smell, nose and navel (worry not gentle reader, he doesn’t mention any of her yucky girl parts) she sneaks up behind him and starts dancing, startling Santino who screams, falls on his ass, then headbutts her. Instead of apologizing her runs away whimpering. Who writes this horses–t? A feral child who was raised by a tape of Billy Madison?

Remember how good Santino used to be with female partners? His romantic angles with Beth Phoenix and Maria were great. What happened? I guess back during Santino’s prime WWE was still willing to depict male/female relationships of at least a middle-school level of complexity. Now we’ve regressed to pre-school level s–t, and I tell you, I’m not looking forward to this thing progressing to the playing doctor phase.

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