A few days ago, friend of CM Punk and sparring dummy of Ed O’Neil, Rener Gracie married the delightful Eve Torres. As with any wedding, there were numerous highs and lows, so in proper With Leather fashion, here are the Bests and Worsts of the Gracie-Torres wedding.
Best: Adorable couples getting hitched
With all due respect to Alex “Ay Yo A-Lo” Lopez, Rener and Eve are super cute together and just need to take sickeningly beautiful couple pictures.
Worst: NO CAKE?
Brendan Schaub posted this picture of the Dummies’ Guide to a Gracie Wedding. Okay, fine, no alcohol, that’s whatever. Weird Portuguese language conventions, fine, I’ll talk about that later. BUT NO WEDDING CAKE? And only cooked bananas and avocados instead? I think the appropriate response has already been crafted for such a travesty.
Best: Fancy, dangerous guests!
As is to be expected with someone ingrained in the MMA scene as the Gracies (Despite the current crop of kids being terrible at fighting), the wedding had some top-level UFC fighters. Bantamweight champion “Rowdy” Ronda Rousey, former light heavyweight champion Lyoto “The Dragon” Machida, oh, and I guess Brandon Schaub was there, too. You know you have a good set of guests when the heavyweight fighter is the least threatening option to tangle with for an unruly reveler.
Best/Worst: “The Missing Piece”
It turns out that Rener wrote a love song for Eve, which is very touching and romantic, so that gets a best. Plus, there are a ton of pictures of them, and Tioki the #2 Best Fighter Dog makes an appearance, so that’s another best.
Unfortunately, the song isn’t without its flaws. There’s the way that Helio Gracie gets name-dropped because Rener is always about #brand expansion. But the biggest thing is the following lyric, “Love is true as jiu-jitsu”. To quote Rener himself, “daaaaaaaaang”, and not even in a good way.
Best: Ultra-secret vows
Thanks to my connections*, I was able to track down snippets of the weddings vows Rener wrote for Eve.
“Dang! In 1972, my father got married for the first time, spreading the idea of matrimony to the entire Gracie clan. Today, I wed Eve Torres.
Eve, I promise to rave and to rold, to ronor and cherish you always, in sickness and in realth, which is assured through the Gracie Diet, Renergy Sandwiches, and avocados. Dang!
I promise to instruct our future children, Ramburger, Rouse, Relicopter, and Reisenberg in Gracie Bullyproof, moving on to the Master Cycle when they come of age, as well as Gracie Women Empowered with you, Eve. Dang!”
Congratulations to Rener and Eve, sorry for making fun of your special day, y’all are the best!
* – I do not have any connections