The Best And Worst Of Impact Wrestling 5/16/14: Needs More Glass Unicorns

By: 05.16.14  •  26 Comments

Best: MVP

Don’t worry, it’s not for everything. I just need to acknowledge that the chair-assisted stomp on EY’s arm looked really, really good. Unlike literally everything else.

Worst: MVP

Ahhh, that feels better. Via SHENANIGANS, MVP is going to face Eric Young for the title tonight to maybe possibly set up more shenanigans no spoilers but there might possibly be more sheningans.

And now Brandon to give me and my sanity a much needed break!

Best: Beer Mist

And now, a bad create-a-wrestler of Shawn Michaels wrestles Draugr Christian.

The actual match was a TNA Match. I know they’re all technically TNA matches, but you know what I mean … just an impossibly forgettable match between two guys with that early 2000s wrestling school training doing their thing. Totally fine, and nothing I’m gonna remember tomorrow morning or ever again.

The thing I wanted to Best, though, is James Storm’s Beer Mist. I like that he drank it before striking but kept it in his mouth as a backup … like, he knew there was a chance Anderson was going to counter it, so he had a contingency plan. Which was, uh, spitting. My only complaint is that Storm had to actually drink beer before producing Beer Mist. They should figure out how to get beer into his mouth without showing him drinking it so it just looks like he’s producing it from some weird beer glands in his mouth. Like he’s become such an alcoholic that his body has mutated. That’s the James Storm I want to see.

(Yes, my hypothetical enjoyment of Impact rests on wrestlers suddenly developing fantastic powers.)

Worst: Goddamnit

James Storm is never going to evolve beer glands and now I am the saddest girl.

Best: The wee baby X-Division

So the X-Division’s wax and wane has brought the division back to…three people, but it’s not so bad. We still have that thing that comes with X-Division or flippity doo matches where it’s just move after move of no consequence, and selling on offense isn’t really a thing, but I might also be super secretly way into Sanada and haven’t really gotten a chance to talk about it?

I had fun watching this match for a lot of reasons, and not just because bleach-blonde Japanese wrestlers with pretty lariats are kinda my jam (they totally are I’m not even gonna try to kid about that one). I love when wrestlers have shiny ephemera in their entrances, because it means the rest of the matches on the card become magical sparkly Lisa Frank endeavours. Like when Goldust would get an early pay-per-view match, and the rest of the show left guys to be totally pre-attitudinal tough guys while also being covered in gold glitter. Zema Ion’s presence means it looks like Rainbow Dash puked confetti everywhere, and it’s stone cold delightful.

The second part is, again, I am super secretly in Sailor Moon Heart Eye-Gifs with Sanada. Spoiler alert: he is mondo adorable. I want to hug his twitter account, and his Spin Cycle payoffs are wonderrrfullll. Anyone who should be inspiring the commentary (were it a crack team of joshi-aware dudes) to shout SHADES OF MANAMI TOYOTA is a someone I want in my televised wrestling life. I pop hard for Paige doing the Scorpion Crosslock, I pop hard for rolling cradles. In short I really want them to treat Sanada right, give him time to be effective and work through his style with someone who can get effective matches that tell stories other than “here is a series of impressive moves we can do,” I want baller matches, I enjoy his boy giggles, and I might want to play with his hair a little.

I have some…complicated feelings here, one of which might also just be wanting EC3 to get his NXT job back, and then taking Sanada with him.

(And Trent. Always Trent.)

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