The Best And Worst Of Impact Wrestling 5/16/14: Needs More Glass Unicorns

By: 05.16.14

And now, a justifiation of my best friend wanting me to reenact that one scene from Scanners:

Worst: ShawGun Assassins

(That’d better be their name.)
(Sam Shaw and Gunner’s dad can be ‘RickShaw.’)

So yeah, one of the major storyline developments this week is Gunner going to Samuel Shaw’s LOCAL MENTAL FACILITY that I’m totally pretending is located in the Impact Zone to offer a friendly ear. You know, because a guy in a straight jacket going CHRISTY? CHRISTY? CHRISTY? this long after the storyline probably just needs a Real Man to talk to.

The only way this works for me is if it’s revealed that Gunner’s also a total creep. Like, next week Shaw’s all “her hair was SO PRETTY” and Gunner’s just like, “yeah man too bad she’s a SLUTTY BITCH am I right” and then they clink beers. That’s what I want in my heel tag team. A team that is absolutely 100% unforgivable in every imaginable way AND bad at wrestling who somehow get cheered and make Danielle’s head explode. I also may not want the best for Impact in general.

But no, Gunner introducing Shaw to Christianity and reforming him as a celibate pro wrestler could be fun. Maybe eventually introduce him to a nice, wholesome woman (played by Rosie Lottalove, of course). They fall in love and get engaged, but OH NO Sam just noticed SO CAL VAL and things are COMING BACK TO HIM, CHRISTY CHRISTY CHRISTY

Alternate plan: resign the Young Bucks and ignore everything I just typed.

Worst: Bully Ray fears accountability

Parts 1-4 (including frowny-face inducing Spud violence) here.

I was hoping that Bully Ray had a moment of clarity when he said “this is all your fault” meaning that “this” is MVP’s stranglehold on the company, even though technically it’s Bully’s fault for turning on them at Lockdown (it’s atually kind of always his fault) and not just listening when I said he’s a bad guy, but nope, he just wants Dixie to cower and be afraid of him. He’s also an Impact Wrestling employee who is affected by this management shift, but why tie everything in together and tell a cohesive show story when you can have a dude stalk a woman in her home and workplace so he can intimidate her and force her into admitting her fear of him?

Best: Bless you, based Carter

Thankfully we’re saved (kind of) from this nonsense by the appearance of Casual Plaid! variant-EC3, and a metaphorical “f-ck you” to this entire series of videos. Mr. The Third never, ever lets me down.

Worst: Speaking of selling on offense

Quick, watch this match on mute and tell me which arm Eric Young injured.

If Anderson-Storm is the most TNA match, this is the most TNA main event. Boring, boring, pointless, WHOA SHENANIGANS I DID NOT SEE COMING I THOUGHT WE WERE GONNA GET A STRAIGHT MATCH THIS IS AS CRAZZY AS CRAZZY STEVE, end titles.

Kenny King (guy who hated MVP who was also supposed to be shoehorned into a Vegas nightlife gimmick but now just gets jeans and no shirt because that’s the new hotness) is now brofriends with MVP. But oh, thank god Bobby Lashley is here to save us! Nope, of course not, because swerves (well…”swerves”) are the new black, and no, that’s not a racial comment. However, the Donald Sterling comments at the top of the show because if we mention pop culture we’ll be popular? The reactions to a POC stable? This is playing out about as well as a hackneyed take on Solange being in an elevator with Jay-Z.

…goddamnit, TNA.

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