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The Best And Worst Of Impact Wrestling 6/12/14: The Three-Count of Monte Cristo

By 06.13.14
gunner sucks


Worst: Gunner. Always Gunner.

Huh. Turns out all Ted Bundy needed was a hot cuppa joe.


Best: EC3

Or to be more specific, EC3 and the band-aid that launched a thousand hurt/comfort fanfics.


Worst: This Segment Brought To You By EMBARRASSING FOR EVERYBODY

1. Hey, you know what would’ve made Sin Cara’s shitty moodlighting better? Having his entrance music play at a low volume for the entire match. This is the limitlessness of TNA’s insanity: somebody said “combine Sin Cara and New Jack” and The Odditities Again is what they came up with.

2. Literally none of this is important, as the only things you need to know are Crazy Steve tried to stop a DJ from derisively playing a hype horn at him by standing on the turnbuckle and pointing, and that Crazy Steve ended the match by putting some balloons up Robbie E’s ass.

3. So, uh, Robbie E has an imaginary friend.

The imaginary friend is named Michael and is BALLOONS UP HIS ASS. Can you make letters MORE capital? At one point during Robbie’s “run away from something up my ass and swat at it so it stays behind me” Benny Hill’s corpse homage, he yells out THIS IS EMBARRASSING, and yeah, that’s not Robbie E talking, that’s the man playing him. Robbie E seriously turned up for work on the day of this show and they said “we’re gonna put some balloons up your ass and you’ve gotta be afraid of them,” and he was like SURE, GREAT IDEA.

At some point you’ve got to say “no sir, I would not like the joke to be that I have balloons up my ass.”

4. The best part of the match is how like, 15 people in the crowd are clapping and everyone else is dead silent. Part of that could be Impact’s bright idea to have multiple guys on stilts standing around ringside, because valets and photographers aren’t enough things in your way.

5. The Menagerie story should end with Rebel blowing out a candle and none of them ever being seen again.

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