Sixty-seven years ago, a baby boy was born to a Polish-American couple in Chicago, and at the time there was no way they could have imagined what kind of man he would eventually become. They named their son Michael Krzyzewski, which is Polish for “Viciously Angry Bastard of Satan,” (*needs citation) and by the age of two, this boy had developed a reputation for keeping the other neighborhood toddlers in line. In fact, it is said by historical scholars that before he could even enroll in grade school, Mike had written two books on leadership, while showing off his ability to assemble an automobile from nothing but unlabeled scrap parts.
Today, Krzyzewski is much better known as arguably the greatest men’s basketball coach in NCAA Division I history, and anyone willing to argue that point with the man himself has never been heard from again. Krzyzewski (pronounced Shizzy-zow-wow-skeet) is known for his icy demeanor and soul-shattering gazes that he displays while coaching, as well as his “Win first, breathe later” strategy that has allowed him to rack up the most wins in Div. 1 history.
Some people say that Coach K, as he is affectionately known by people who don’t realize he was not programmed to understand affection, is cold, calculating and a man whose sole purpose is winning, but it is those characteristics that have led him to be a godlike figure to Duke fans over the last 34 years, and an icon to so many other sports fans, myself included. It is with that in mind that I have decided to pay tribute to Coach K’s stern grimace, his Gallant Gaze of Godliness if you will, with this ranking of his angriest faces.
Before we start, it is important to point out that Krzyzewski is not always angry and pure evil, as so many people believe. For starters, here he is at his happiest while watching young, impressionable children learn and master his coaching philosophy:
And here he is being happy after his team has proven that he is brilliant by crushing the hopes and dreams of others:
Finally, notice his smile as even the most powerful man in the free world is forced to pay tribute to his victorious ways:
Now, pay respect to the face of true power!
20) As this picture was taken, Coach Bob Knight told a young Mike Krzyzewski to “cut it with that smiling sh*t, or I’ll shove a grenade in your dick hole.” Coach K has smiled four times since that day, only after receiving written permission from Knight.
19) Early in his coaching career, Mike’s stern look was never taken very seriously. It’s understandable because it is something that even the greatest of winners must learn.
18) Sometimes referees would ignore him, like this clueless dolt. Years later, he’d begin his new career as Coach K’s personal ass scratcher.
17) One season, Mike coached his players using only his eyes. His specific facial cue for “Take a seat” has killed grown men.
16) I don’t know if he’s yawning or yelling, but it still scares the sh*t out of me.
15) One time, Danny Ferry made a basic mistake during a game, and Mike made both teams play without the ball for an entire quarter.
14) He wasn’t even coaching in this picture. His wife was late to the game.
13) Like Bruce Leroy in The Last Dragon, Coach K has been known to glow when he reaches a perfect anger.
12) Unlike most coaches, Mike believes that he actually possesses super saiyan anger powers. He’s correct.
11) One time, a young girl messed up a line in the National Anthem before a game, and Mike had her parents deported.
10) The closest that Coach K ever came to losing his cool was during the 1987-88 season when a student in the crowd accidentally made eye contact with him.
9) When the crowd gets too loud during games, Coach K directs his players using a high-pitched scream.
8) He’s not coaching. This is how he proposed to his wife.
7) Coach K has won 17 Grammys for his ongoing series of albums, “Cover Songs to Get Horny To.”
6) If Coach K ever punched you, your face would turn into sand.
5) Mike rarely ever has endorsement deals, not because it sends the wrong message to players, but because of this watch ad that bankrupted the company.
4) Seconds later, a very embarrassed Grant Hill apologized to the mop boy for sweating so much.
1) And with one simple motion, Coach K snapped the spines of the entire crowd at the Dean Smith Center.
And as an added bonus, I have obtained this exclusive proof that Coach K will live forever using cloning to harvest basketball genius stem cells.
(Images via Getty, original sperm via Shutterstock)