(Click to enlarge, and please excuse the lack of 100 percent geographical accuracy.)
Baseball previews are a tough and thankless chore, because they really don’t mean anything. Sure, we could tell you our predictions for each division, or I could write 4,000 words about why the Cardinals having two questionable power hitters makes me so angry, but chances are we’d simply be better off telling you why your teams suck, because everyone is always so insanely pissed over predictions anyway. Also, some guy with super scientific numbers says baseball will vanish in the next two decades, because that’s totally going to happen. So why bother?
Instead, I’m previewing the 2015 Major League Baseball season by looking at each of the 30 stadiums and picking one food item that I would love to shove in my face hole. Unfortunately, because those baseball teams that are supposedly going to disappear within the next 20 years are more profitable than ever, my dream of touring each stadium to actually try these foods is next to impossible, unless someone wants to give me a canvas sack with a dollar sign on it to do so. The next best thing, then, is for all of you fans out there to tell me how great or awful these items are, and if there’s something better that people aren’t talking about. Hooray interactive ideas!
Some people call them gross, and some even call them insane, but I call these ballpark foods part of the gift that keeps on giving from America’s pastime, so let’s begin this A-Z journey around the country and try not to get diabetes just looking at these pictures.
1) Angel Stadium of Anaheim
The name: The BBQ Beef Brisket Sandwich
The skinny: I’m told the Angels have some pretty great grilled cheese sandwiches that include short ribs and thick-cut bacon, two of my favorite things in the world. But I’m a huge sucker for a big, sloppy brisket sammy. I’d also like to give the Legends Dog a whirl, but one ridiculous artery clogger at a time.
How badly do I want to eat it? Enough that I would put off standing in line with children to get my Pujols and Freese Cardinals jerseys signed so I could fill my belly first.
2) AT&T Park
The name: Crazy Crab’z Dungeness Crab Sandwich
The skinny: I’m kind of surprised that everything in the Giants’ stadium isn’t Freegan, but I guess that will be implemented over time. For now, I’m forced to believe that a $17 crab sandwich, which is just a sweet pile of crab meat slapped between two buttered and toasted slices of sourdough, is the real deal, even if I can’t really eat it.
How badly do I want to eat it? Thanks to stupid shellfish allergies, I would buy this delicious sandwich and then watch someone else eat it while I snack on a dumpster burger.
3) Busch Stadium
The name: Deep Fried Oreos
The skinny: Well, you take some Oreo cookies, roll them in batter and then drop them in the fryer. When they come out, you can hear Satan’s laughter get closer and closer.
How badly do I want to eat it? As a Cardinals fan, I’m generally classier and more intelligent than other baseball fans, so obviously I would eat these to fit in with my peers and colleagues at Busch, preferably after a day of choking Pappy’s brisket into my body like a starved boa.
4) Chase Field
The name: The Churro Dog
The skinny: Oh, we’ve already had this discussion. It’s a churro in two donuts, covered in whipped cream and chocolate drizzle awesomeness.
How badly do I want to eat it? More than anything I’ve ever wanted in my life.
5) Citi Field
The name: S’more Bacon on a Stick
The skinny: It’s bacon that has been dipped in chocolate and then rolled around in crushed graham crackers and marshmallows. Stop shaking your heads, this isn’t a bad idea at all.
How badly do I want to eat it? I would not only go to a Mets game to have this, but I wouldn’t make one Bobby Bonilla paycheck joke the entire time I was there.
6) Citizens Bank Park
The name: The Wayback Triple Triple Burger
The skinny: It’s just a really, really tall cheeseburger. Basically, it’s like you went to a Phillies game and got really drunk on liquor, and then you went to Steak N Shake (do they have those in Philly?) and stacked a bunch of burgers on top of each other. The Phillies are just cutting out the travel time.
How badly do I want to eat it? It’s probably on the bottom end of the items I’ve selected for this, but I wouldn’t say no.
7) Comerica Park
The name: Bacon and Eggs Topped with Fried Jalapenos
The skinny: The Tigers deserve a lot of credit for their awesome food selection. There’s also a smoked pork mac and cheese waffle sandwich that I’d slap my mom to try, but I LOVE BREAKFAST FOOD. These deviled eggs on top of a thick slice of bacon are like a fancier Ron Swanson’s baseball food.
How badly do I want to eat it? So much. So so much.
8) Coors Field
The name: The Taco Dog
The skinny: Surprisingly, for a place where weed is supposedly available like candy, the Rockies’ stadium has arguably the worst food selections. Probably the second worst. But you take a taco and combine it with a hot dog? Pass that Taco Dog to left, brah.
How badly do I want to eat it? I’d have to wipe a little of that nonsense off the top and toss some more cheese on it, but si, por favor.
9) Dodger Stadium
The name: Tommy Lasorda’s Meatball Marinara French Fries
The skinny: If you asked me to pick a type of food that best resembled Lasorda, it would almost definitely be a meatball on top of fries. Fortunately, we can eat this pile of pizza-flavored fries without having to resort to cannibalism.
How badly do I want to eat it? I would sit next to Lasorda while we both ate this, and I’d let him close talk old baseball stories to me. That’s how much.
10) Fenway Park
The name: Lobster Roll
The skinny: I looked and looked and looked and looked for anything out of the ordinary at Fenway and… nothing. Is food really this boring at Fenway? It seems like it has the worst selection of any stadium in America. But this lobster roll, while not all that fancy, sure looks like something worth standing in line for.
How badly do I want to eat it? Again, I’d have to watch someone eat this, while I eat Beef on Weck, whatever the hell that is.