A loosely organized Christian movement has spread the word around the globe that Jesus Christ will return to earth on Saturday to gather the faithful into Heaven. Some people believe it, even though there’s a whole big part of the Bible that says nobody can know when Judgment Day is upon us (not even James Cameron) and that anyone who tells you otherwise is lying. There is a theological difference in the amillennial and postmillennial views of The Rapture, as well as inconsistencies in pre and posttribulation planning, but former Buffalo Bills All-Pro linebacker Darryl Talley will be live-tweeting the entire thing, including his after-rapture pool cleanup.
A few things to keep in mind should Jesus not actually return to Earth this weekend:
1) A failed prediction of The Rapture, even if it is believed by well-meaning Christians, should not be seen as proof that Christianity is “wrong.” These guys don’t speak for every Christian, and most rational people aren’t locking their dogs in the pool house and preparing to be taken. The “outspoken” representatives of any religion are usually the ones ruining it for everyone else.
2) Space out your episodes of “Growing Pains,” because Kirk Cameron is leaving no matter what you say happened and they aren’t gonna make any more.
3) Darryl Talley is not an authority on anything and should not be praised for trolling hastags.
But since we’re in the business of praising a-holes for being a-holes, click through for the best of Darry Talley Presents: The Rapture.
I’m not sure how a tarp is going to protect against a monster with the head of a lion, body of a leopard and feet of a bear. THE FEET OF A BEAR CAN TEAR THROUGH YOUR TARP.
Sunday: Darryl Talley finds his first born son and a bunch of diseased cattle at the bottom of his pool.
ESPN won’t show highlights of the Rapture unless the Yankees get taken. Also, I’m pretty sure he’s posting every joke he can think up. For more (and I’m sure there will be more), follow him here.