Apparently Maroon 5 singer Adam Levine, AKA "that guy from that shitty band," dated Maria Sharapova at some time, which is news to me because in my mind hot famous rich chicks would only ever settle for me. And he claims he broke up with her because she sucks in bed.
"She wouldn't make any noise during sex," Levine said. "I can't tell you how disappointed I was. I really thought, like a lot of guys, that she'd be the loud screaming type. But instead, she just lay there like a dead frog. She even got angry if I started to moan, said it 'ruined her concentration.' It was so disillusioning that I went on Paxil for a month afterwards. Really, it was much more of a shock than when I found out there's no such thing as the Easter Bunny."
What the fuck does he mean, there's no Easter Bunny? Who the hell has been hiding my Easter eggs all these years?
Fortunately, I know for a fact that there IS an Easter Bunny because Adam Levine is obviously deluded. Hmmm… Maria screams every time she hits a tennis ball but says nothing in bed? Something about this story says "three-inch penis." Besides, I can look at someone and know if they're telling the truth. My secret: if it's a member of a shitty band for women with no taste, he's lying. Hot chick? Telling the truth.