“Nice coat.” “It’s my bench-warming parka.”
It was a great weekend to bet on road teams in the NFL. Home teams went 3-11 yesterday, getting outscored 415-305 in the sucktastic process. So bully for you, Baltimore, Dallas, and Atlanta: you’re the only home teams that defended your turf yesterday.
But that’s all the praise I’m allotted in the Suck-Off. Let’s look at some of this week’s contenders for shittiest on-field performance:
Titans receivers. Granted, most of the credit for smudging Tennessee’s perfect record should go to the Jets for their excellent performance, but it’s time people started talking about how having a shitty receiver corps is a genuine weakness. And the drops were team-wide yesterday: RBs, TEs, and WRs all contributed to a shoddy first half that saw five drops in just over a quarter of play.
Brady Quinn, Donovan McNabb. One’s a youngster making his third start, one’s an All-Pro with Super Bowl experience. No matter: they both sucked yesterday, and they both got benched for it. Quinn threw two picks and was generally awful at home against the Texans; McNabb saw Quinn’s two picks and raised him a fumble in one half of play against the Ravens, who allowed only a return TD in their 36-7 shellacking of the Eagles.
Lions, Rams. These two get a permanent spot in the Suck-Off rotation just by showing up every week. Or rather, by not showing up. The Rams are bad enough with all their starters; injuries do not become them, as the 27-3 loss to Chicago showed. Meanwhile, the Lions jumped out to a 17-0 lead in the first quarter. It was gone by halftime, as the Bucs cruised 38-20.
Matt Hasselbeck. Oh, Matt Hasselbeck, I remember the days when you were a reliable quarterback who didn’t throw back-breaking interceptions. I also remember a time before that, when you were an unreliable quarterback who threw back-breaking interceptions. So I guess it’s come full circle.
Neil Rackers. As Jimbo Jones might say: way to kick, no-kick.
The Broncos. WTF? The Raiders kicked your asses? In Denver?
But without a doubt, the winner of this week’s Suck-Off goes to…
Matt Cassel. Oh sure, throwing for 415 yards and three touchdowns while running for another in leading your team to victory looks good on paper, but you know the Patriots are still missing Tom Whatshisface. Fuck Matt Cassel.
And yes, maybe I faced him in fantasy this week.
Photo: Getty Images