The 80s TV Sitcom Daughters Guide To Fantasy Football Wide Receivers

Senior Writer
08.08.11 21 Comments

Now that we’ve all calmed down from last week’s controversial running back rankings, I figured it was time to start the week off on the wrong foot with an equally controversial and debatable fantasy football wide receivers ranking. However, I don’t think that it will be the receivers and where I have them ranked that will fire everyone up, as much as it will be the means in which I group them – 80s TV sitcom daughters. I know, we’re like Harvard and MIT had a big, stupid baby after a drunken weekend in Cancun.

After all, let’s look at what happened since I posted that RB feature:

– The Kansas City Chiefs signed LeRon McClain, which means that Jamaal Charles might get one touchdown this season. Meanwhile, Ray Rice is all by himself. I’ve never said that our readers aren’t smarter than me.
– Mikel Leshoure tore his ACL and will miss the entire season for the Detroit Lions.
– Ashley Tisdale showed up at a gym looking like this. It’s just baffling.

As for the football meat of this ranking, I always have a lot of fun picking my wide receivers, because this is where you can really find some hidden gems, especially if you’re in a standard format league and you start 3 WRs or 2 WRs and 1 RB/WR flex spot. But of course there are also always the standard studs, definitive duds, and those guys who are just good enough to keep that one guy in your league sending trade offers for your top RBs all season long.

Oh, and if you couldn’t already tell by that banner pic, it’s pretty obvious who the No. 1 choice is.

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The Jamie Powells

When I told Brandon which theme I was using for this ranking, he asked, “You’ve got Jamie Powell as your No. 1, right?” Like that would even be a question. Just Googling pictures of Nicole Eggert took me spiraling into a sticky, awkward wormhole of my teenage years. Needless to say, these are the best of the class this year, shaming all of the Sarah Powells of the NFL.

1) Andre Johnson – If Johnson hadn’t missed 3 games last season, he would have more than likely had his first 10+ touchdown season, and finished close to 1,500-yards. He already has a dislocated finger, but he has 9 others so he should still be able to give you elite numbers.

2) Hakeem Nicks – It’s rather bold to suggest that Nicks is better than the guys I have listed below, but bold wins championships. Even if Steve Smith re-signs with the New York Giants, he’s still coming off a serious surgery, so it’s Nicks and Mario Manningham. Nicks showed that he can be the touchdown guy, and he’s yet to play a full season.

3) Larry Fitzgerald – Will Kevin Kolb return Fitzy to prominence? Doesn’t matter. Fitzgerald is pretty much all he has. Someone has to score in that offense and it’s not going to be Beanie Wells.

4) Greg Jennings – The Green Bay Packers are probably going to have another very good season. Jermichael Finley is healthy, which means less looks for Jennings, but he will have his big moments and will produce numbers just short of the Wisconsin cholesterol average.

5) Roddy White – I’m punishing White for the Atlanta Falcons’ public displays of affection for Julio Jones. We get it – he’s a good receiver and Matt Ryan is a gentle lover.

6) Calvin Johnson – If the Detroit Lions would work on the offensive line just a little more, this should be a top tier offense. Maybe Matt Stafford stays alive this season. Someone should look into that.

Oh, also:

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The Samantha Micellis

Yeah, like I was going to use a photo from when she was young.

Alyssa Milano didn’t really reach that special status until the 90s when she went the bad girl route, but for the sake of this special project just play along. That pervish laziness aside, I’d rather have two of these guys than one of the receivers in the previous group. They’re good for big numbers, too, they’re just not guaranteed.

7) DeSean Jackson – Mighty Mouse finally ended his lockout today, so he should be ready to resume his role as Mike Vick’s No. 1. Some people would argue that Jeremy Maclin might be the better pick, but it’s Monday and I’m not in the mood to argue.

8) Mike Wallace – I think Wallace should jump to that top tier group this season. He’s talented enough, and nobody is more capable of those fantasy-friendly 80-yard TDs. But he gets negative points for his pointy haircut.

9) Reggie Wayne – The Indianapolis Colts make me feel very uneasy this season. I don’t trust any of them. They can prove me wrong all they want, but my gut tells me less Colts, more Totino’s Pizza Rolls.

10) Brandon Marshall – All reports indicate that B-Marsh showed up to camp in the best shape of his life. Now it seems that he and Chad Henne finally “get each other.” Doesn’t matter, he’s going to plummet in drafts because nobody trusts him or his cutting board abs.

11) Santonio Holmes – I really think Holmes is going to have a huge “Thanks for that new contract” season and make Mark Sanchez look deceptively good in the process. So then, how will Rex Ryan screw this one up?

12) Vincent Jackson – Playing for the paycheck and nobody wants to be paid more.

13) Marques Colston – He’s always good for a bunch of TDs. But everyone seems to think Robert Meachem will become the New Orleans Saints’ main guy.

14) Miles Austin – I’d rather wait a round and grab Dez Bryant. But Austin should be solid as long as he’s not still upset that Kim Kardashian is marrying a New Jersey Net.

15) Dwayne Bowe – Another member of the probably going to take that next step club.

Page 4

The Kelly Bundys

I always loved the Married with Children laugh tracks because of the incessant hooting and hollering, especially when Kelly would first appear on each episode. But for all of the ridiculously wonderful tramps that were paraded through the show’s 10 seasons, Kelly was middle of the pack. I mean, give me Miranda Veracruz de la Jolla Cardinal any day. Or, you know, Nicole Eggert. Kelly was a fantastic character, though, and she always came through with great jokes.

16) Jeremy Maclin – Again, you can take Jackson and his desire for a new contract early, or you can gamble on a guy who may or may not have a career-threatening illness.

17) Steve Johnson – A fantastic waiver wire grab last year, but has he earned your trust yet?

18) Brandon Lloyd – I’m still baffled by last season. One of two things happened – 1) He just became a phenomenal receiver, or 2) Kyle Orton and Lloyd just really clicked. If you’re the Denver Broncos, which one do you go with?

19) Wes Welker – I feel like Scrappy Do is almost Scrappy Done.

20) Mike Williams (TB) – Everyone is blowing this guy so hard right now, with most sites ranking him much higher. I’ll admit he was quite impressive last year but the Tampa Bay Bucs are not exactly bursting with talent.

21) Dez Bryant – He’ll probably be drafted higher, he most likely deserves to be drafted higher, but I’m holding out hope that the guys in my league are still afraid of his baggy drawers.

22) Sidney Rice – He had one good season, suffered a nasty hip injury and then received a huge pay day. No thanks.

23) Mario Manningham – Manningham was an absolute beast the last few games of the 2010 season with Smith out of action. I would think that he’ll pick up where he left off, but then I also thought that girls liked guys who wear cutoff jean shorts.

24) Plaxico Burress – On one hand, he shot himself in the leg. On the other hand, he’s 34 on Friday. On the third hand, he probably has a good “Screw you, I’m back” season in him.

Page 5

The Girl From My Two Dads

Staci Keanan wasn’t the best looking girl on the block, but she always had a job and somehow she got a lot cuter as she aged. In a nerdy, bitchy, she’s on TV kind of way.

25) Anquan Boldin – Derrick Mason is out so Boldin is the elder statesman of this franchise’s receiving corps now. He’s also their only good receiver. This is not a sexy development.

26) Kenny Britt – You’d have to be high. *rim shot, bong noise, armpit fart*

27) Santana Moss – I didn’t want him with Donovan McNabb throwing to him, and he was actually good last season. Imagine how I feel about him with John Beck as his QB.

28) Percy Harvin – See: Santana Moss and that first part about McNabb. But seriously, he’s too talented to not produce more touchdowns than migraines.

29) Steve Smith (NYG) – If he’s healthy, he steals productivity from Manningham and Nicks, but he needs to actually be on a roster first.

30) Roy Williams – Williams has one 1,000-yard season in his career. I honestly don’t know why I always fall for the Mike Martz reunion crap.

Page 6

The Donna Joe Tanners

Poor Candace Cameron. Always stuck in the shadow of the legal age daughters of Just the 10 of Us. Even the nerdy sisters. Such is the life of the No. 2 or 3 WR. And with that we’re turning off the rankings, because if you’re left sorting through this bargain bin for starters then you’re already grabbing in the dark.

Pierre Garcon/Austin Collie – If Collie’s head wasn’t detached and run through rock tumblers last season, he probably would have gone on to have a great season. You know, the season that we expected Garcon to have. Of course it’s not fair to either of them that we constantly hold them to the standard of Marvin Harrison/Reggie Wayne/… next please.

Deion Branch/Chad Ochocinco – Aside from Tom Brady, there might not be one dependable fantasy starter on the New England Patriots this season. Bill Belichik should just go ahead and use two kickers.

Michael Crabtree/Braylon Edwards – While there is spectacular comedy in Edwards and Ted Ginn, Jr. being on the same roster, you don’t get points for comedy. And Crabtree either needs a new QB or team before his window closes.

Johnny Knox – He’s injured already, so that’s strike 1. Strike 2 is Jay Cutler’s wounded heart. Knox probably has more upside than Roy Williams, but who doesn’t?

Malcolm Floyd – He returned to the San Diego Chargers at a generous discount. Me thinks the fantasy gods will favor that.

Hines Ward – The man will have his catches and his TDs, and then he’ll have his cocktails.

Page 7

The Jennifer Keatons

If these guys are your leading ladies, you’re screwed. But if you’re scrambling to fill out your last few roster spots in the late rounds, then you could do worse than these fellas: Jacoby Ford, Mike Thomas, Mike Sims-Walker, Donnie Avery, Danny Amendola, Jerome Simpson, Mohamed Massaquoi, Andre Roberts.

Stay tuned for Fantasy Tight Ends According To Women With Very Attractive Bottoms.

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