The Best And Worst Of Impact Wrestling 5/2/13: If Impact Lasts For More Than Four Hours, Please Consult a Medical Professional

By: 05.03.13  •  23 Comments

Hello! It’s nice to see your faces! It’s been too long! We’re back, a little older, probably not much wiser, but definitely ready to assign positive and negative attributes to wrestling on television! First things first:

– It’s been a busy two weeks over at The Mandible Claw. Podcastravaganza is ready to take over your earholes and fill your brainstuffs with delight! Guests include Leva Bates, and Beyond Wrestling/WSU’s Drew Cordeiro. Brandon joined me to talk about the pitfalls of leisure time at Lucha Libre shows, teenage crushes, and the importance of Halloween costume accuracy. The week kicked off with Robert Newsome of the Atomic Elbow sharing more crazy Chikara theories as we descend deeper into the rabbit hole, and also potentially complete and utter madness.

– I dug into the mess of unopened discount wrestling DVDs that live on my shelf to review WWE’s One Night Stand: Extreme Rules 2007. It involves wrestling reenactments, du-rags, and shark attacks OUT OF NOWHERE. Vintage Mandible Claw!

– I’ll be at the (maybe) two ROH shows in Toronto (Border Wars and (probably) the TV taping), so if you see me, say hello! I’ll be the one in the ACH shirt looking slightly uncomfortable when ACH or Veda aren’t around. Or, if you see a lady and think “hey, that girl looks like she shrunk Brandon’s wardrobe but increased his visible distaste for Kevin Steen,” yes, that is me.

– If you didn’t get enough podcasts at the Mandible Claw, I guested on Holzerman’s Wrestling Podcast: Tweetbag Edition. This one has dinosaurs! I also had a wicked fun time recording What a Maneuver: Monday Night Raw/Monday Nitro January 27th, 1997. I watched my very first full episode of WCW Nitro with hilarious and incredibly confusing results. Did you know that Eric Bischoff once thought it acceptable to wear a leather jacket with tearaways? Man, what a dick.

We should all be Twitter bros. Do that by following me here, With Leather here, and UPROXX here. It’s perfect should you need to keep on top of funny sports happenings, Alison Brie gifs, and my obsession with Kyle Starks live-tweeting Hemlock Grove.

This week on Impact: Chris Sabin’s knee, Chris Sabin’s ACL, Chris Sabin training, and Chris Sabin talking about stuff. Spoiler alert: Chris Sabin.

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Worst: Past Their Prime-Time Players

Hogan calls Sting out to apologize for getting swept up in personal issues, and pushing him away when he needed him the most. Sting, in a move that further proves his impending dementia, asks Hulk to let him put together a team to help get rid TNA of Aces & Eights. Um…Sting, sweetie, darling, sweetie…remember Lockdown? Remember how that didn’t work out for you at all? Hulk puts the responsibility of putting together his team (Hot Stings Part Deux), and thinks the most important thing for him to be doing is finding someone to go up against Bully Ray for the big belt at Slammiversary.

Okay. Let’s think about this for a minute. Last week, Bully Ray lived up to his name and bullied his way past three security guards, which seems to be the first time we see a legitimate attempt to stop them since Impact took their show on the road. So while these security fellows were busy being terrible at their jobs, maybe someone should have, I dunno, called the police? While they had rights to have their clubhouse in the Impact Zone, because wrestling, a simple phonecall to people with lawful authority and also guns that aren’t euphemisms for muscles could handle at least 3/8ths of them. I assume the contract issues of the rest of the members could be easily dealt with. Given what they’ve done to Joseph Park in the past, I’m sure Park, Park, and Park would give Hogan a reduced rate, and I highly doubt Mr. Anderson has the same iron-clad contract the Human Sitting Machine has. Logic has no place in wrestling, I know, but…guys. Seriously. Park, Park, and Park. 911. Look into it.

Worst: The blueprint for a bad segment

Matt Morgan is still upset that Hogan didn’t choose him for a World Title shot. Of course he didn’t. You stole his cape. You are not his friend. You can’t attempt to steal both a man’s property and his legacy, then expect some kind of special treatment because you’re taller than everyone and believe in yourself. If I went to work, stole, say, my manager’s nametag, told her she made dumb decisions, and then asked for a promotion I would probably be fired. At the very least, written up. In response to the assertion that this is the part where Hogan hands the title shot over to Sting, Hogan tells Morgan that no one is going to have anything handed to them anymore, not Sting, and not Morgan. He then proceeds to say that the man who faces Bully Ray will be the winner of tonight’s main event match: Sting vs. Matt Morgan. Swing and a miss!

chris sabin has dumb hair

Worst: Sabin, your hair…

Hey Chris, welcome back! Loved you in such titles as the X-Division, and Hercules, but Chris Sabin’s Lower Body vs. TNA has been the pits.

kurt angle

Worst: Thanks for making me screencap Kurt Angle’s junk

It happened so quickly, so I had to back up and pause the episode to figure what on earth was shoved up Kurt Angle’s singlet. Upon further inspection, it appears to be a clever place for him to keep his mouth-guard. I feel extremely let down that it’s not a wad of Kleenex, and Kurt Angle isn’t, in fact, wrestling’s equivalent of everyone’s grandmother ever.

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