– Be sure you’ve read The Best And Worst Of Royal Rumble 2013 before you read the Raw report.
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– Don’t forget, I’m going to be live at National Pro Wrestling Day this Saturday, so if you’ve ever heard of wrestling and Pennsylvania, get there and say hi.
Sorry, I couldn’t find a HQ episode of Nitro to review. Click through for the Best and Worst of WWE Raw for January 28, 2013.
Worst: I’m Kinda Disappointed That CM Punk Has So Many Reasons To Be Mad, And The One He Chooses Is ‘Remember Bret Hart’
The worst thing I do as a wrestling fan is develop unrealistic expectations for wrestling characters. I’m sure you’ve picked up on this. I’m the asshole who wants an arena full of kids and their parents to say, “no, you know what, John Laurinaitis is RIGHT, he’s just trying to do a good job, John Cena is being childish! Kids, you should grow up to be a businessman, not a dude who lifts weights and punches people for money.”
But man, it’s the night after CM Punk’s 400-and-whatever day title reign ended and they’re in Las Vegas, the same place where he sat on the stage, namedropped Ring Of Honor, made Jim Rome believe wrestling was real and, at least until Kevin Nash showed up, changed the way WWE main events worked. I wanted him to come out with guns blazing, you know? Tear down the Rock for the right reasons, not because he likes “these people.” Cut into him like he cut into the business two summers ago. This drug-addled hate-shouter showed up out of Hollywood and got a title reign based on nothing but star power. Three matches in 10 years. END HIM. CHARGE YOUR LASER AND GET ON THE MICROPHONE AND END HIMMMM.
And here’s Punk, hood up, throwing shit around. When he starts talking, what does he say? That he’s just like Bret Hart, because remember that time Bret Hart got screwed by Shawn Michaels? It’s such a predictable talking point that a guy in the crowd has a PHOENIX SCREWJOB sign and makes “yep, called it” gestures when he’s on TV. It was the most From The Desk Of Mr. McMahon thing Punk’s said in a long time. It’s fine, but it’s disappointing, and that’s totally my fault.
Worst: Antonio Cesaro Is Five More Losses To Randy Orton Away From Being Wade Barrett
This was a nightmare for me. The actual match wasn’t bad — I’m popping for Cesaro’s gutwrench suplex no matter what — but … well, let’s number it:
1. It’s a paragraph I write all the time, but the United States Champion should not be losing matches to “better” Superstars. There’s no point to it. If you want a guy to lose all the time, even if his job is to look great while doing it, don’t give him a championship. If you give a guy a championship, let him win championship matches. If you want your champion to lose, he should lose the championship, with “non-title loss leads to unexpected title shot” being the only exception. Do not create a hierarchy where there is a group of wrestlers who are “better” than the champions and just win all the time. Make those guys the champions, or find a more creative way to write their characters and matches. It’s lazy and pointless from every direction, and should not happen because you remember Cesaro’s on the roster and need somebody who doesn’t suck to wrestle Orton.
2. The Raw Roulette wheel is the worst. Now it’s so bad they had to create three different wheels, because they ran out of explanations for why these things are happening. The reason WCW had to stop doing Battle Bowl was because they killed what was special about it, and started booking every match as ROAD WARRIOR HAWK AND JOHNNY GRUNGE VS. FLYBOY ROCKO ROCK AND ROAD WARRIOR ANIMAL. You know, where it’s just super, super obviously rigged to tell a story. The plus of the Raw Roulette wheel should be true unpredictability. I know you gotta go with what works, but it would not kill you to have your “THIS IS DIFFERENT” show actually be different.
3. Why does The Miz get to be the special guest referee? Why are we stacking the deck against the heel? I know Vickie doesn’t like Ziggler, but is she a face GM all of a sudden? Why not have somebody who hates Orton get the guest referee spot? Why not spin that superstar wheel you have to find the referee? Is the issue between Cesaro and the Miz compromised by having Cesaro/Orton ref’d by Epico? Why not just do a Cesaro/Miz rematch on Raw with a special referee, if you want to do a non-title loss that ends with Miz hitting the Skull-crushing Finale on Cesaro? Seriously, just take 20 minutes and try hard to write any of this.
4. As a jerk on the Internet, I am getting really, really tired of watching Randy Orton RKO Antonio Cesaro.
5. Tuck in your shirt, Miz. THIS IS YOUR JOB.
Worst: The Prime Time Players Won That Challenge
Who died and made Matt Striker the King Of Jokes?
There is no world in which the Prime Time Players should lose a “being funny” contest to Ryback. WWE shouldn’t organize these weird popularity contest things (“make me laugh” challenges, dance offs, karaoke contests) if they aren’t gonna be honest about it. Ryback beating up a couple of guys who didn’t do anything to him because he’s too shitty at jokes to win fairly? AIN’T NOBODY GOT TIME FOR THAT.
Best: DIE MATT STRIKER YEAHHHH
Any points Ryback lost for being a poor sport were recovered when his path of rage met Chucklemonster Matt Striker, and Striker ate probably the best-looking Shellshock ever. I don’t know if Striker f**king up the lift-off made Ryback mad and he just shoot Shellshocked him or what, but I wish it always looked like that.
In case I haven’t typed it enough lately, Matt Striker is the Goatse’s asshole of pro wrestling and Scott Stanford should have his job. Scott Stanford should also have Josh Matthews’ job, and Michael Cole’s. (Note: if Stanford gets Cole’s job, Big E Langston is next in line to be the Josh.)
Worst: That Is How They Do It
Watch this commercial. To recreate the live Raw experience, watch it, wait two minutes, then watch it again. Repeat every ten minutes for three hours. I am doing my own taxes this year, because f**k Jackson Hewitt.
We miss you, gay Twix cops.
Best: Bo Dallas, Apparently
I didn’t write about Bo Dallas in the Best and Worst of Royal Rumble 2013 despite him doing a pretty good job, because Rumble matches are long and you can’t write about EVERYTHING, and because my reactions to him were limited to the following:
1. Bo Dallas was probably the worst wrestler in that NXT tournament, and God, how much do I want Leo Kruger to be brought up and paired with Antonio Cesaro in a Grima/Théoden-type thing? I’d even take Sterling James Keenan’s low-rent CM Punk thing over Bo Dallas.
2. “Is Bo Dallas going to Chris Benoit Wade Barrett out of the Rumble? BO DALLAS JUST CHRIS BENOIT’D HIS ASS.”
3. His entrance theme sounds like the Jimmy Hart version of ‘Indian Outlaw.’ When he gets eliminated, it will be Not A Moment Too Soon.
Anyway, I’ve got to admit, I’m feeling Bo Dallas as a main roster guy so far. He’s got a lot of fire, his arm drags look good, his Magnum T.A. style belly-to-belly was on point and he hasn’t had a chance to mess it up, so good for him. Even his Backstage Fallout segment is personable and charming. It’s even better if you compare it to Zack Ryder’s disingenuous buttholery at the end.
Best: The John Cena/Fred Flintstone Tale Of The Tape
So, this happened.
Part of me hopes this was a shot at TNA. The other part of me wants to devote my life to photoshopping WWE vs. Hanna-Barbera tales of the tape graphics, just to set up a bout between Santino Marella and Snagglepuss. They are basically the same guy.
Worst: John Cena Defeats Cody Rhodes In A Buried Alive Match
WWE followed up Cody Rhodes’ star-making performance in the Royal Rumble, epic trouncing of Kofi Kingston and showdown with his brother Goldust by having him lose cleanly to John Cena in 1:50. Like, I don’t love going the “you’re holding back guys I like” route, but god damn this was the worst.
Why did it happen? The only rationale I can figure is that they’ve pushed the idea of John Cena having a “bad year” (you know, that bad year where he beat Brock Lensar and pinned Dolph Ziggler like 700 times), so if they’re gonna do Once In A Lifetime 2: Book Of Shadows they need Cena to steamroll a bunch of guys and look like a monster so he can take the Rock. Other than that … I don’t know. It’s just John Cena perpetuating every unbearable stereotype he’s picked up in the last ten years, showing up to decisively destroy what we love and make a big, never-ending deal out of what we hate.
Rhodes Scholars not interacting and being put into the Intercontinental Cup as singles competitors while Daniel Bryan and Kane face a thrown-together main-event team for no reason makes it even worse. That tag division isn’t long for the world, is it?
Best: Nicely Done, The Shield
As mentioned in previous columns, the John Cena trouncing of +Rhodes and subsequent jabber-promo got me angry enough to hit my limit break, so The Shield showed up and attacked him. I really do enjoy how The Shield appears to be working in the interests of Brandon Stroud specifically. If they show up at National Pro Wrestling Day and attack The Hurricane the second he yells WASSUPWITDAT and poses, I’ll know I’ve got a real Firestarter thing going on.
Anyway, I’d love for these guys to, I don’t know, have matches, but watching them dispatch Cena, Ryback AND Sheamus and bail as the victors (instead of as cowards, like everybody else) made me very happy. If you want them to be a threat, they’ve got to win these fights. They also need to start developing a moveset deeper than “punch” and “make Roman Reigns do it.”
But yeah, F the WWE All-Stars. And LOL at the crowd for chanting “Rocky,” like he cares enough about anyone else on the show to do a run-in. The only way he’d save Cena, Ryback and Sheamus is if he got to Rock Bottom all three of them at once to end it.
Worst: Honky Gaijin Be Trippin’
Not ashamed of being a wrestling fan? QUICK, WATCH THIS
Poor Albert. When he showed up he was The Great Muta, and he had ASIAN MYSTERY and a man-servant and a deadly MOUNTAIN DEW CLAW OF DEATH and he could beat John Cena. One bad match with Ryback and five lingering Sakamoto beatdowns later and he’s doing The Pony or whatever in a negligee for the amusement of f**king nobody.
You’d think the whole HAW, HE’S WEARIN’ LADY CLOTHES thing would’ve stopped making wrestling fans laugh circa Big Vito because of, I don’t know, the advancements in human rights since 2007, but here’s what bothers me the most. Okay, remember back when AJ and John Cena were “dating,” and AJ burst into the men’s locker room, and Cena got all apologetic to Justin Gabriel because AJ had seen Justin in a towel, which shouldn’t have been a big deal because Justin Gabriel wrestles in his underpants, which covers way less than a towel? Yeah, Tensai is taking the bra and panties approach here and acting embarrassed despite wearing WAY more clothes than usual. Upset that it’s ladies underwear? YOU WEAR BRIEFS THAT LOOK LIKE THEY’RE MADE OUT OF FRUIT ROLL-UPS. YOUR ORIGINAL WRESTLING NAME WAS A DICK RING JOKE. This is not as bad as you’ve felt.
Trust me, guys. I know you like your job as Wrestler and all, but if Vince smirks up to you and says “we’re gonna make you do the Pony in Stephanie’s sexy underwear because IT’LL GET YOU OVER” or whatever, you should still respond with “yeah, no.”