– In addition to writing jokes for sports websites, I also do a lot of comedy shows all over the country. Twitter followers are like money to comedians so follow me there if you like my style. I’m also going on comedy tours this May and again in June so check my performance schedule and come say hi!
– No references to Destiny this week other than this one to say that I have hung out with her several times even though she writes mean things about me on poster boards during ACW shows.
– This is my favorite wrestling column on the internet so I’m thrilled to be making my second appearance off the bench for Brandon. He’s staying at my house in New Orleans after the Elimination Chamber so he sort of owes it to me. I’m not nervous about filling his shoes, rather, I’m nervous you guys will think the shoes I’m wearing aren’t as fly as his to begin with. Different shoes for different folks, people. Just give me a chance!
Best and Worst of Raw presents: Managing as Managing Manager
The last time I subbed for Brandon, this happened. I feel good about my chances that tonight will be a good job.
BEST: Booker T is the Worst
“Actually you’re mistake … Excuse me, like I said actually you’re mistaken, Punk. See, as managing as managing manager of general of…excuse me. Listen Punk, now listen here if you think you can smell what the oh excuse me, Punk. Can you dig anything now, Punk? Now which shovel should Punk use to dig? Should he use the shovel he got at the garden store in 2010? How about the shovel he got in 2011? Or – should Punk use the shovel he got last year? Can he dig me out of this hole? Please get the WWE smartphone on your app to find out. Now mind you me you must get or have gotten already that smartphone app on your own WWE Sucka. Hulk Hogan, I’m coming for you nigga”
WORST: Michael Cole’s phone
Homeboy has four different photography apps, only three “social” apps and three games (live a little, Cole). What’s worse is that he has 0 unread text messages and 0 missed calls (get a life, Cole). He uses dropbox and droptext. He has downloaded 0 magazines to his Newstand app. His battery was at 75%. I bet Vickie has a ton of calorie counter apps, huh Rocky.
WORST: WWE Hall of Fame Epico Announcement
Is Epico making the announcement or is Epico getting into the Hall of Fame? Find out on a special Primo time Raw.
WORST: Randy Orton’s Campaign: Believe in America
“Vote for me because when we fought last time it was in Atlanta and we’re in Atlanta tonight so all things that happened in Atlanta before must happen again. Let’s bring Spud Webb and Dominique Wilkins back. Let’s bring David Justice back. Let’s bring the Olympics back. In fact, let’s bring all of 1996 back so I can keep my same shirt on.”Subscribe to UPROXX
BEST: Antonio Cesaro, MVP of Raw
Not in the Montel Porter way, in a “makes everyone watchable” way. I can’t decide if I want him to lose the U.S. title as soon as possible so we can see him uppercut Sheamus mid-Brogue Kick in the semi main event at Summerslam 2013 or if I want him to be U.S. champion forever. Anyone else hoping for a countout victory and Cesaro announcing next week he’s this guy’s nephew? Should also be noted that Michael Cole said Antonio Cesaro hasn’t tasted a dessert in 3 years. So remember kids, if you eat dessert now you will never be able to uppercut like Antonio.
WORST: Rey Mysterio’s campaign: Yes We Can
“Vote for me because you know if there’s somebody who should be fighting CM Punk it’s me because I took him down before and if there’s anybody who knows how to take him down it’s me and let me know this, who has the ability to know his weaknesses besides me, I bet you can’t because if there’s one person who can do all of these things, it’s me because I know how to do it and handle it.”
Everything that Rey Mysterio said in his WWE Active promo (which you can only see on the WWE App so download it now but also we’re going to show it on television too) sounded like what a kid would say. And when I think of Mysterio and kids, I think about this. This is why I’m voting for Rey Mysterio, in hopes it leads to another moment like that.
WORST: Chris Jericho’s campaign: Ron Paul Revolution
“It’s so dumb when people say they are the best in the world unless they follow it with four other words so tonight Punk, let’s see who’s the best in the world once and for all because it could be you or maybe it’s me, the best in the world (at what I do).”
BEST: The Return from Mars
Brandon Stroud, I apologize, but you are on a plane right now and Jack Swagger is on my television looking like he’s been on another planet that I know you put him on. I cannot do this paragraph justice so instead I bow my head to you, Mr. Stroud.
BEST: Power Failures in Sports
As a native New Orleanian and lover of all things New Orleans Sports (yes, even the Voodoo and I’ll argue with anyone who thinks Pelicans is a dumb name), I’m still unsure how I feel about the Superbowl blackout. It was unfortunate but also very funny when you think of possibly conspiracies or some sort of Project Mayhem type act against Roger Goodell. The WWE App going down during voting is less of a big deal though it would be pretty awesome if The Shield were somehow behind this. Then they can make their own soap. Don’t talk about The Shield. DO NOT TALK ABOUT THE SHIELD.
BEST: Del Rio over Cody Rhodes; Cody Rhodes new shirt over Del Rio’s old scarf
Another high stakes fun match here has me feeling pretty bad. Poor Brandon is stuck in the sky somewhere and I get to cover a Raw that is easily the best of the year. If The Rock decides to retire tonight and his goodbye forever speech is interrupted by a pissed off Mark Henry then Brandon may quit writing this thing altogether.