The Best And Worst Of WWE Raw 6/9/14: Requiem For Foxana

Nope.

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Also, nope.

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Please click through for the Best and Worst of WWE Raw for June 9, 2014.

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Best: Correct Jerks

One of WWE’s most unique talents is their ability to ease us into “darkest timeline” storytelling by numbing us so severely that worst case scenarios seem like progress.

The opening to last night’s Raw featured my least favorite wrestler of the last 20 years and one of my least favorite general manager characters ever stripping my favorite wrestler ever of the TWO championship titles he won in his career’s defining moment at one of the biggest events in company history. And you know what? I’ve been so numbed by a month and a half of obnoxious complaining, stalling and bad decisions that I’m happy they did it. How awful is that? I am now standing balls-deep in Brandon Stroud’s Worst Case Wrestling Scenario and I’m thanking them for putting me here.

Objectively, The Authority is still right. They said Bryan wouldn’t be able to compete at a championship level, and as soon as he won the championship, he got hurt and couldn’t compete. The story is that they ran The Demon Kane at him until his neck broke, but Jesus, how many times has an evil authority figure thrown a monster at Cena or The Rock or Steve Austin and they’ve come out fine on the other side? The WWE has a longstanding-if-iffily-worded precedent of a champion having to defend his title or being stripped of it, and with Bryan’s surgery not progressing at Cena Speed they didn’t have another option. Brie Bella quit so Bryan wouldn’t have to give up his championship, and then two weeks later he has to give up his championship and she quit for nothing.

Pointing this out makes you a jerk, I guess, and yeah, The Authority are still basically the worst people in the world. But man, they were right all along. Bryan can come back in a few months and we can try it again. A redemption story. Or who knows? Maybe he’ll go the way of Dolph Ziggler and get a big WE CAN’T TRUST YOU, ENJOY THE LOWER MIDCARD stamp on his forehead. At least we’re moving on to something new now. I’m happy that Randy Orton and Alberto Del Rio and Sheamus are competing for the oh my God somebody help me I can’t do this anymore

Worst: Correct Reality-Altering Jerks?

Two things:

Daniel Bryan doctor

YouTube

1. If Daniel Bryan had such ethical outrage at The Authority that he’d let his wife get fired instead of peacefully handing over the WWE World Heavyweight Championship, there’s no way he authorized his doctor to give out his medical progress on television when it would directly lead to The Authority stripping him. WE’VE GOT A HIPAA VIOLATION HERE, FOLKS.

2. If the doctor’s via satellite message is the first anybody’s hearing of Bryan’s progress and he’s just now being officially stripped of the championship, how does The Authority already have the belts? Did all of this happen earlier in the day and they’re just being buttholes by going through the motions against video-taped doctor footage?

Best: Vengeance For Kobald

We won’t forget you, you beautiful little toilet demon you.

Best: The Value Of Having A Billion Mildly-Believable Finishes

The first match of the night was also probably the best: another hard-hitting, exciting HOSS OFF between two guys who hold secondary championships and probably shouldn’t be taking clean pinfall losses.

The reason this match worked so well is because sure, they did a lot of false finishes and those can be exciting, but also because they have enough moves in their arsenal to make a match full of false finishes make sense. That’s a very important thing a lot of wrestlers miss … we’ve seen Sheamus end matches with the White Noise or the cloverleaf before, so when he goes for a win with them there is at least a 1% chance that it’ll be enough. That’s suspension of disbelief at work, but it works. Barrett’s the same way. He’s not exactly KO’ing dudes with the Winds of Change, but he’s got WADE SLAM. If you chain that all together and make sure everything connects strong, you’ve got something. And hell, BNB’s made it so that making his elbow pad change colors means the end of the match is nigh.

I’m all for guys like this throwing hands at each other in the midcard and tearing it up, but in all seriousness I do wish they’d build one solid secondary championship division. Bad News Barrett has a lot of support out of nowhere and they’re STILL feeding him into these Intercontinental Championship non-title losses. It will never make sense to me. “The prop you hold when you win” should not go hand-in-hand with “constantly losing.” That’s not smark science, that is basic human logic.

Worst: And Then THAT’S The Finish They Go With

The other complaint I have for this very, very enjoyable match is that they strung together a bunch of cool falsies and then went straight to the Sheamus match killer: the Brogue Kick set up by his opponent suddenly stammering backwards and being distracted at nothing so Sheamus can run up and do it “from out of nowhere.” It’s THE WORST.

This match is a perfect example. Barrett’s on the attack but he knows it’s time to take the Brogue Kick, so he just wanders back towards the middle of the ring looking at nobody, doing nothing, and kinda paws at the referee. Then it’s like WHOOPS, I ACCIDENTALLY LET THE GUY WHO TAKES ADVANTAGE OF LITERALLY EVERY SCENARIO LIKE THIS TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE SCENARIO AND KICK ME IN THE FACE. The Brogue Kick is a strike. Strikes are the easiest imaginable thing to have come from “out of nowhere.” You aren’t doing a snake taunt and jumping and cradling a guy’s head and slamming him to the mat, you’re lifting your leg. Why is it always so obvious? It almost exclusively exists to make that final moment of any Sheamus match drag me from “wow, this was great” to “ALBINO JOHN CENA.”

A supplemental Worst for that delayed cover.

Best: Sign Of The Night

DO IT.

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Best: Put The Belts On Putin

First things first, +1 to WWE for finally using that shirtless pic of Putin on a horse. Between that and the clip of Obama working out, it’s like the googled “president strong” and wrote the first five results into the show.

Second things first, WWE should send Vladimir Putin the WWE World Heavyweight Championship belts and see if he’ll take a photo with them on. Better yet, appeal to his ego and bring him over to judo a bunch of dudes and substantiate the claim that he created a gold star of Russian badassedness award and thinks Rusev deserves it. Hell, tag Rusev and Putin. How great would that publicity be? You’d be on every 24 hour news channel for 23 hours a day. You would get CNN to recap Zack Ryder matches. Also, maybe prevent actual political problems? All I know is that Putin wouldn’t break his neck five seconds into being champion.

Fantasy booking: At WrestleMania 31, play ‘Cult Of Personality’ out of nowhere and have PUTIN show up instead of Punk. That would probably burn out the brain of every wrestling fan in the world in one great power surge.

Best: This Giant Flag Is Legitimately More Interesting Than Zack Ryder

Third things first? I’ve gotta give Lana a supplemental Worst for using “sissy” and “girly man” in a promo in 2014 without being dressed like Hans or Franz. At least she got booed for it. The WWE App should have a poll: Who do you hate more, foreigners or our gay President?

The match itself was enjoyable, as Rusev has formally moved on from the “beat up black guys” trope and settled comfortably into humiliating my least favorite wrestlers. The transition started with Xavier Woods and Kofi Kingston I guess, and now he’s trouncing Mojo Rawley on NXT and beating Zack Ryder before he’s even got a chance to Woo Fist and Broski Boot anything. Good stuff. I am never Worsting a truck-wide guy going BLEAHHHHHHH and superkicking somebody’s head off for aimlessly bouncing off the ropes.

Worst: Let’s Ask The WWE Universe What They Think About Rusev

Worst: There Is No Way Cody Rhodes Thought R-Truth Was A Better Partner

The march toward “Cody realizes Goldust was the weak link and turns on him” continues with the sudden option of R-TRUTH, which suggests that Cody Rhodes has never actually watched WWE programming. Does he think we’re still back in the first two seasons of NXT? R-Truth is basically your worst available option. What’s next, teaming him with Zack Ryder, the guy who just lost a match in 40 seconds? Maybe throwing some arm tassels on Justin Roberts?

I’ve been thinking about this a lot, and I feel like the Cody turn might be too obvious. What if Goldust is the one who turns? The guy’s being forced into these doofy losing scenarios by his egocentric, privileged brother every week. He’s gotta get tired of that eventually. Cody just pressing his collar and hanging out in the back and forcing him to set up R-Truth axe kicks or whatever. I’d be furious. Maybe next week Cody’s like, “here’s your tag team partner THE BROOKLYN BRAWLER” and Goldie just mauls him.

Worst: What Is Rybaxel’s Role In This?

This is starting to bug me. Every week, Goldust gets paired up with a new tag team partner and forced to tag against Ryback and Curtis Axel. Are they friends? Are they trying to help him work through the process? These wins they’re racking up don’t seem to mean anything and we haven’t had the “wins means more money” talking point in ages, so what’s up? Is the end of the angle Ryback and Curtis Axel agreeing to be Goldust’s tag team partners so they can do something ELSE?

WWE’s obsession with rivalries meaning “YOU ONLY FIGHT ONE OTHER GUY OVER AND OVER” is so bizarre. Couldn’t you give other teams a victory now and then? I’m sure Drew and Jinder could use a pin on Goldust, especially if you’re doing it to meaninglessly tell a story. Give Los Matadores a win that isn’t 3MB. It’s not like Ryback and Curtis f*cking Axel are the only tag guys who can credibly pin Goldust. You’ve got him losing via Divas roll-up. Put Natalya and Eva Marie over them, who cares.

Worst: Women, Am I Right

In a segment enjoyed by guys who type “barefoot” into YouTube, heel Layla is talking shit about Minnesota so babyface Summer Rae (who is from New York) sneaks up on her, pours milk on her head, physically assaults and turns a table over on her. Because … Layla has a boyfriend she wants, I guess? Layla sits in the floor crying and Summer Rae struts away triumphantly.

I’ve written about it a lot, but the worst part of watching Impact is that everyone on the roster is an awful person. Just these cruel, weird, hateful, angry people who can’t stop screaming and trying to pearl harbor each other with sneak attacks, gang attacks and swerves. The Divas division is kinda like that. Aside from Paige (who is doing the Lord’s work), the “WWE Divas” are just weird, mean people who can’t stop being hateful to one another. That’s not fun. It’s Impact. The person we’re cheering is doing the worst shit, and the only reason we’re given to cheer them is “cheer them.”

If you put these girls in Affliction t-shirts I wouldn’t be able to tell the difference.

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