This Week In YouTube Commenter Swooning: Ryan Lochte Wants To Date Blake Lively

08.17.12 5 years ago

Like most U.S. Olympic athletes, swimmer Ryan Lochte has been on a whirlwind media tour since returning home from London, but the truth is that the nation’s love affair with the multiple gold medal-winner began long ago. Throughout the Olympics, interviews with Lochte popped up left and right, and the question on everyone’s mind was: “What’s next for this handsome, single stallion?” Of course we already know that the immediate answer is Dancing with the Stars and probably The Bachelor.

But Lochte also wants everyone to know that he’s so much deeper than just a reality TV tool. Sure, he’ll cut his teeth in Hollywood by doing the cha-cha with Kym Johnson and pretending like there’s a shot in hell he’d marry some broad off the street because she made out with him more than a dozen other nameless girls. Acting, though, is what is swimming in his blood, and he is hellbent on establishing a brilliant career on TV and the silver screen. First up? 90210. Start polishing those Emmys.

Need more proof? Buzzfeed recently put together some highlights of Lochte’s best interviews, and that man has a gift. And if a recent Tweet is any indication, it appears that Lochte might even be the next Channing Tatum. None of that matters to me, though. I learned all I need to know about him during his interview with Piers Morgan earlier this month. Lochte told Not Larry King that he can see himself acting opposite Blake Lively, and according to my oracles of truth and brilliance in the YouTube comments section, Ryan Reynolds better watch his back.

Damn, this guy just spews personality. He’s going to EGOT in no time. But Blake Lively? That’s a tall order. I hope the Ryan Reynolds groupies don’t take him to the woodshed over this.

Oh? Interesting. Anyone else?

Really? People must have hated Green Lantern more than I thought. Let’s at least give Van Wilder some credit.

Yes, make them compete for it. I like that. But seriously, like people actually think that Blake Lively would suddenly dump her A-list boyfriend for a flash-in-the-pan swimmer with the personality of a shoe.

But they’re not actually… aw screw it. *opens beer*

*pours pint glass of whiskey*

*chugs bottle of tequila*

A desert island, sure. *takes off belt, wraps it around arm*

*holds spoon over lighter*

*pours bottle of bleach into bath tub, adds bath salts*

*rolls up tin foil, boils cocaine, rat poison and baking soda*

*eyes roll into the back of head*

*heart stops, God appears*

GOD: “Behold, my son, you are not done in your journey on this mortal plane yet.” Me: “Yeah, but have you seen the people down here?” GOD: “I know, but just stick it out a little longer.”

*awakens in bath tub filled with ice, opens beer*

Congrats, Ryan Lochte. You’re America’s most eligible bachelor. Have a great weekend, everyone.

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