UFC Fight Night 83 Predictions: Which Cowboy Will Reign Supreme?

02.21.16 1 year ago
Donald Cerrone UFC 195

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Oh hello, fight fans. We’ve got Sunday UFC, which hopefully means a quicker pace than usual. We’ve also got a good number of prediction friends returning, so let’s all cheer for our pals. The event starts at 5:30 p.m. ET on Fight pass, so let’s take a look at this 13 fight card (Oh man, this is going to run until at least 3 a.m., isn’t it?)

2016 Important Results:

Jessica: 29-19-2 (60 percent)
Burnsy: 26-23-1 (53 percent)
Ryan: 5-1 (83 percent)
Jason: 7-5 (58 percent)
Jackman: 7-5 (58 percent)
Enrique: 7-5 (58 percent)
Jamie: 3-3 (50 percent)
Justin: 5-1 (83 percent)
Marty: 4-5 (44 percent)
Jared: 6-6 (50 percent)
Parker: 3-4 (43 percent)
Dr. Vet: 9-3 (75 percent)

Note from Dr. Vet: or the UFC picks this week, I printed out the pictures from the official card page on UFC.com. Then, I put a small amount (roughly a quarter of a teaspoon) of Whiskas wet cat food above the head of each fighter, being sure to not cover any part of the body of the fighter in question. There are four cats that rule the waiting room: Abby (female Abyssinian), Felix (male bicolor/”tuxedo”/“Billicat”), Snowball II (female Bombay/”all black”, we usually call her “SB”), and Toonces (male gold/white tabby). Yes, I have a cat named after an old Saturday Night Live sketch and a cat named after a Simpsons “character”.

I put a picture of each fighter in a match up on an elevated examination table, placed the cat on the examination table, and counted the fighter from whose picture the cat ate from first. *Suzanne named the methods of finish. “Meowthods of finish.” She forced me to type that.

Heavyweight – Anthony Hamilton vs Shamil Abdurahimov

Jessica: Beefy Boyz, ahoy! The big Russian let me down last time out, falling to Big Time Timmy John. Hamilton somehow got a Broadway musical made about him, despite losing to Oleksiy Oliynyk and Todd Duffee, but I guess his decision win over Daniel Owe Me A Lunch Truck was impressive enough. I’m taking Shamil, partly because I gotta support the Dagestanis, but also because Hamilton is due to lose. Abdurahimov wins by third-round TKO.

Burnsy: Leading off the evening with two heavyweight nobodies is right up my alley. Give me Hamilton to win by first-round KO, because I’ll predict this fight sets the pace for the evening. I have the worst feeling it’ll go three boring rounds, while the whole event lasts til 2 a.m. because FS1 loves it that way.

Dr. Vet: Picker: Felix
Analysis: Felix was so excited to pick that he jumped out of my arms and immediately picked Anthony Hamilton.
Pick: Hamilton, TKO (Ground and Meow’nd)

Bantamweight – Lauren Murphy vs Kelly Faszholz

Jessica: Faszholz probably dodged a bullet when her fight against Valentina Shevchenko got cancelled. Murphy was probably going to have an easy-ish win over Sarah Moras, but now she’s got a relatively unknown in Faszholz. Kelly’s three wins have come against opponents with a current combined 4-8 record, so maybe Murphy’s got an even easier fight? Whatever, Lauren wins this by second-round TKO.

Burnsy: I have a really close friend named Lauren Murphy, so I’m obligated to pick this Lauren Murphy.

Dr. Vet: Picker: Snowball II
Analysis: Snowball II first walked to Kelly Faszholz picture and thoroughly sniffed. Then, she went to Lauren Murphy’s picture. Back to Faszholz, then back to Murphy before tentatively taking a bite.
Pick: Murphy, Split Decision

Bantamweight – Marion “The Bruiser” Reneau vs Ashlee Evans-Smith

Jessica: Evans-Smith was one of Veronica Rothenhausler’s 5-second KO victims, and then got choked out by Rocky Pennington and failed her drug test, apparently due to flowers. Reneau put an epic beating on the Sneaky Zebra, then took one from Holly Holm, which isn’t all that terrible, what with hindsight. Reneau is going to win this thing by decision.

Burnsy: Ashlee has a boy’s name, but she spells it like a girl. I just want to point that out. That said, Reneau went the distance with HOLLY DA CHAMP (albeit in a losing effort) while Smashlee hasn’t been impressive enough to pick for anything. Maid Marion gets paid, Marion.

Dr. Vet: Picker: Snowball II
Analysis: Snowball II appears to be in a mood. She sat on Ashlee Evans-Smith’s face. Never ate.
Pick: Neither, No Contest

Welterweight – Jonavin “The Spider” Webb vs Nathan “Soulforce” Coy

Jessica: Oh cheese n peas, this ain’t gonna be pretty. Neither of these dudes is on the right side of the Good/Bad Fighter bell curve. I expect a lot of cage clinching and awkward, flaily kickboxing. Let’s go with Webb to win because I appreciate a pun-based nickname over some nonsense garbage like “soulforce.” Webb wins by decision.

Burnsy: Come on, The Spider Webb. I’m never picking against that dude. He’s clearly out there just for my entertainment.

Dr. Vet: Picker: Abby
Analysis: Hungry Abby is hungry. She ate both piles of food. But she only ate one first…
Pick: Coy

Middleweight – Anthony “Lionheart” Smith vs Leonardo “Leleco” Guimares

Jessica: Fun fact — I saw the name Smith, saw a vague white guy, and assumed this was Trevor “Hot Sauce” Smith before taking a second look. This doesn’t bode well for Lionheart, here. I mean, he got back into the UFC by beating Josh Neer, last month. Yipes. Oh, also, he’s uhhh, never beaten a Brazilian dude, so that’s also not good. Guimares has feasted upon rando scrubs in Brazil, but I think he can take care of Smith. Guimares wins by third round submission.

Oh, wait, it WAS Trevor at first, but HAWT SAWSE got injured and Joe Silva just threw in a new Smith. That’s hilarious and my point still stands; Tony’s gonna get whomped.

Burnsy: This is a gimme fight for Leleco. RIP Lionheart.

Dr. Vet: Picker: Toonces
Pick: Smith, Decision

Middleweight – Daniel Sarafian vs Oluwale “Holy War Angel” Bamgbose

Jessica: Sarafian is pretty middling, but middling is a whole heck of a lot better than Bamgbose. Danny Saffron gets the fight to the ground and taps out the Holy War Angel in the second.

Burnsy: Last time we saw the Holy War Angel, he got blopsed in the first round of his UFC debut against Uriah Hall. Not really a fair litmus test for anyone, I suppose. Sarafian, however, hasn’t fought since December 2014, when he avoided a possible pink slip by scoring a TKO over Antonio dos Santos, Jr. That’s not really impressive, as dos Santos is zero y dos since joining the UFC, but making it even less impressive was the fact that dos Santos lost because of a finger injury. So basically, this is as coin flippy as they come. I’ll take Holy War Angel here just to keep it interesting.

Dr. Vet: Picker: Felix
Analysis: Felix was about to pick when Abby jumped up on the examination table and distracted him.
Pick: Draw

Welterweight – Sean “Tarzan” Strickland vs Alex “The Dominican Nightmare” Garcia

Jessica: Garcia has never lost to a Sean, which is something that won’t stop here. Garcia’s fists are gonna put Strickland on a bus direct to Ouch Town. Second-round TKO win for Mr. Nightmare.

Burnsy: This could be a fun fight, or at least an interesting one, as both guys are 3-1 since joining the UFC and they’re especially both fond of winning by decisions. So I’ll take the easy prediction and say this one goes the distance, and I’ll give it to Garcia since his only loss in the big league is to Neil Magny.

Dr. Vet: Picker: Snowball II
Pick: Strickland

Lightweight – Shane “Shaolin” Campbell vs “The” James Krause

Jessica: Krause is a perfect 1-0 against Canadians, while Campbell is 3-1 versus United Staters. This should be tough, but I’m taking Campbell here, especially if he throws another dang hadouken. Campbell wins by third-round TKO.

Burnsy: Campbell wins because “The” is the worst nickname in sports.

Dr. Vet: Picker: Abby
Analysis: Abby reow-ed loudly. Then she picked…
Pick: James Meow-se.

Justin: From what I’ve seen on Krause, he’s at least superior on the feet and he has the experience and a size-able reach advantage. I don’t know know much about these guys so I have to go on that. I’m taking Krause over Campbell by decision.

Middleweight – Joe “Diesel” Riggs vs Chris Camozzi

Jessica: What. Why even is this fight happening in the UFC in 2016? I wouldn’t even do this in a UFC game while completely shithoused drunk. Chris Camozzi should only ever be used as a practice dummy by a top 5 middleweight contender, also known as Jacareing. Riggs is basically useless, unless he’s secretly the Bad Life Choices version of a Dorian Gray portrait for Sage Northcutt. I’m contractually obligated to make a prediction, so I’ll go with Camozzi to win because I imagine his life is less of a shambles than Riggs. Camozzi takes a decision.

Burnsy: It still kills me that Joe Riggs is only 33 when he looks like a Dick Tracy character, but I guess that happens when you fight 57 times. Anyway, as much as I wish he would hang it up, Riggs scored a lucky as hell win the last time out (at least as lucky as an illegal kick to the head can be) so why wouldn’t he come back and fight a guy who technically doesn’t deserve to be here either (credit to Ini Camozzi for winning his last fight)? I’ll take the Hot Stepper to win this super dumb fight.

Dr. Vet: Picker: Toonces
Analysis: Toonces defecated on Joe Riggs so…
Pick: Camozzi, Submission (Meowmoplata)

Justin: This fight just doesn’t really make sense to me. I guess the UFC doesn’t have much to do with either of these guys so they just put them together. Joe Riggs is barely out of his thirties but looks like he’s pushing 50. He was doing alright though before his neck turned to shit. Camozzi by decision, but I can also see Riggs pulling out a meaningless but surprising old man KO if Camozzi plays around.

Featherweight – Dennis “The Menace” Bermudez vs Tatsuya “Crusher” Kawajiri

Jessica: Aw man, this is going to make me sad as heck. I like Kawajiri, but Bermudez should negate Crusher’s grappling and either blast him to bits on the feet, or do his own bit of Crushering with ground n pound. Bermudez wins by second-round TKO.

Burnsy: I still can’t believe that Crusher lost to Clay Guida. It’s so random. Anyway, Bermudez is in a two-loss nosedive while Crusher is 3-1 since joining the UFC. I’ll take Crusher to keep things rolling.

Dr. Vet: Picker: Felix
Analysis: Felix didn’t pick, but he purred on top of Bermudez’s head for a while.
Pick: Bermudez, KO (Catnap)

Justin: Now we’re talking. Bermudez was on a lucky seven win streak with victories over Clay Guida and Max Holloway until suffering losses to Ricardo Lamas and Jeremy Stephens, two dudes who aren’t really slouches. I feel like this was booked to get Bermudez back in the mix of the tumultuous Featherweight division. Kawajiri is not exactly a jobber, but I think Bermudez will pit bull his way to quick victory and try to get back to the top of the tank. Bermudez by KO in round 2.

Bantamweight – Cody “No Love” Garbrandt vs Augusto Mendes

Jessica: Cody is super duper lucky that John Lineker came down with a severe case of dengue fever, because he was gonna get sparked out. Now “No Love” gets to beat up Chad $Money$’s non-union Brazilian equivalent cousin. Bad luck for Augusto, because Garbrandt takes this with a second round TKO.

Burnsy: I can’t pick against Cody here. Perhaps Mendes will surprise us all and we’ll have a little more respect for Augusto and everything after. *high fives Adam Duritz*

Dr. Vet: Picker: Abby
Analysis: Abby used Mendes’ face as a claw sharpener.
Pick: Garbrandt

Justin: Garbrandt is undefeated with six KO’s (one decision) under his belt and went from fighting a mouth-watering match up with Lineker to a guy in Mendes who doesn’t have a wikipedia page. Not to take away credit from Mendes though, he is also undefeated and has an intimidating ground game. However, with Garbrandt training with the grapplers over at Team Alpha Male like the other Mendes and Faber, I don’t think Mendes will be able to take this fight where he can win it. This is a late replacement which will continue Gabrandt’s rise in the division. Garbrandt by KO round 3.

Middleweight – Derek Brunson vs Roan “Jucao” Carneiro

Jessica: Brunson usually loses to big punching grapple men, and Carneiro is pretty good at those things. Plus, I like the narrative of Jucao riding the wave of his Battle Ground one night tournament win to bigger and better wins. Carneiro takes this with a second-round submission.

Burnsy: I look forward to this fight starting at 12:35 a.m. I’ll take Brunson for a quick and easy KO after 40 minutes of commercials for UFC 196.

Dr. Vet: Picker: Toonces
Analysis: Toonces very calmly walked over to Derek Brunson and ate the food. Then he cooly pawed the food off of Roan Carneiro.
Pick: Brunson, KO (Head kick)

Justin: Brunson is on fire. He KOed Ed Herman and beat Lorenz Larkin by decision. His only significant losses are to Yoel Romero and Jacare Souza, Carneiro has been impressive since his return but his best win is against Muñoz. I don’t think he can handle what Brunson, brings, so Brunson by decision.

Welterweight – Donald “Cowboy” Cerrone vs Alex “Cowboy” Oliveira

Jessica: CCCOOOWWWBBBOOOYYY FFFIIIGGGHHHTTT!!! I always think of Cerrone as ultra long and rangey, but while he does have a few inches of height on Oliveira, the Brazilian Cowboy has arm reach on Donald. Despite fighting a guy longer than him, I think Cerrone will benefit hugely from not cutting as much weight, especially since the IV ban means he’s got to eat his weight back on, which has to be super tough when you’re missing a chunk of guts. Oliveira had a good fight with Gilbert Burns in his UFC debut, but he hasn’t really beaten anyone super impressive since then. Cerrone did get smoked by RDA, but c’mon, it’s RDA. Cerrone is perfectly built to style on mid-level guys, and that’s what I see happening. Donald will hurt Alex with Muay Thai and then jump onto a fight ending choke in the second. Oliveira will be forced to change his nickname to “Goatherder.”

Burnsy: Cerrone needs to bounce back with a strong win here and he shouldn’t disappoint. He’s the real Cowboy in the UFC, and I hope that once he proves that Dana White announces that he’ll be using my idea for a “The Spartan” tournament next.

Dr. Vet: Picker: Snowball II
Analysis: Snowball II walked back and forth, back and forth, back and forth back and forth. Then…
Pick: Cerrone, Decision (Mewnanimous)

Justin: This is it. Cowboy v.s. Cowboy. Winner has to give up the name and forever be called Cowgirl. It’ll be interested to see Cerrone at a weight he actually has to eat to get to. Oliveira is no joke but I just believe this is a huge step up in competition for him even if it is Cerrone’s first rodeo at Welterweight. I don’t think he’ll be able to submit Cerrone or knock him out, and his brawling style may not bode well against another opponent with such a varied moveset. Not to mention one who is game as a motherfucker. Cerrone via redneck swiss army knife Muay Thai KO in round 2.

Performance of the Night

Jessica: Cerrone, Bermudez

Burnsy: Brunson, Bambgose

Fight of the Night

Jessica: Campbell vs Krause

Burnsy: Brunson vs Carneiro

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