Perhaps one of the dumber moments of this NFL season that I unapologetically loved was LeSean McCoy’s strange analysis of Knowshon Moreno, in that Shady thinks Moreno sucks. Moreno, being a boring, old stick in the mud, responded with a high road retort of something like, “Whatever, we won blah blah blah” and that was the end of that. But with McCoy on a bye this week, I like to think that as Moreno suited up for Sunday night’s game against the New England Patriots, he polished his monocle and muttered, “I’ll show you, old chap” before breaking out for 224 rushing yards.
Of course, I also imagine McCoy laughing once the Broncos lost in overtime to the Pats, but because it’s all in my imagination, they soon leave and Kate Upton and Jennifer Lawrence then show up with the recipe for Taco Bell’s discontinued volcano sauce and some mean latex allergies.
You Probably Lost This Week If You Played Against… Knowshon Moreno (29 points), Josh Gordon (29 points), Jamaal Charles (27 points)
Fun story that you probably don’t care about – A guy in my league has all three of these guys. Can you even imagine? Fortunately, I didn’t have to play him this week. I whooped his ass last week, so I’ve been having fun laughing at the guy who he stomped this time around. Fantasy football is really all about laughing at your friends over your own inadequacies. Except not me, because I’m awesome and I can do 13 pushups without passing out.
The QBs Who Broke Our Hearts This Week: Geno Smith, Case Keenum, Jason Campbell, Robert Griffin III, Matt Ryan
We should have a separate support group just for people who start RG3 as their fantasy QBs. In it, we’d have Redskins fans show up and shout, “YOU THINK YOU GOT IT BAD?!?!” Seriously, as a Dolphins fan, I have very little sympathy for any other team’s fans, but watching last night’s game, I kept wondering how a Redskins fan could watch RG3 play the way he does and not break everything within arm’s reach.
Also, a friend of mine who had Sam Bradford and Aaron Rodgers as his QBs this season and he was going to start Mike Glennon this week, but he read last week’s Support Group and picked up Matt McGloin and started him instead. So here’s a reminder to everyone – just because I love talking about fantasy football and listening to people complain about their teams, it doesn’t mean my advice should be taken seriously. I’m probably going to make the playoffs in all three of my leagues, so I know what I’m talking about, but I’m also a very self-aware moron 90% of the time.
That said, don’t ever start McGloin again.
The RBs Who Broke Our Hearts This Week: Stevan Ridley, Joique Bell, Ben Tate, Trent Richardson, Jonathan Stewart, Chris Ivory, Frank Gore, Lamar Miller, Ray Rice, Bobby Rainey, DeAngelo Williams, Alfred Morris
I don’t even know what to say about Ridley anymore. He’s such a talented running back, but he can’t hold on to the ball. I can’t even imagine how scared his friends get when he asks to hold their babies. As a Ridley owner, I hate that he’s so f*cked up in the head over these fumbles, but I’m more concerned about him as a person. It always sucks seeing a good athlete struggle, even if he’s a New England Patriot.
On a side note, next week I’ll be celebrating the start of the fantasy football playoffs (for most of us) with some special awards, and it’s safe to say that the LVP is going to be a tight race between Ray Rice and Trent Richardson. I’m leaning toward Richardson because Rice actually had two good weeks.
The WRs Who Broke Our Hearts This Week: Eric Decker, Victor Cruz, Danny Amendola, Roddy White, Wes Welker, TY Hilton, Andre Johnson, Pierre Garcon, Alshon Jeffrey, Vincent Jackson, Reuben Randle, Cecil Shorts
Basically, this is once again the list of guys that are way too streaky to ever consider as anything better than No. 3 WRs, and people have argued with me over Vincent Jackson and Pierre Garcon, but V-Jacks was a total dick to me at a charity event, so I don’t care. Also, I traded Garcon and he had a few big weeks and I’m just bitter.
The Year Of The Tight End Rumbles On
This week, eight TEs put up double digits, including the guys we expect to do so like Jimmy Graham, Jason Witten, Rob Gronkowski and Vernon Davis. Speaking of Davis, that fumble was horse doodie. It almost cost me two wins this weekend, and I was not very happy about it at all. I yelled at the TV when Jim Harbaugh didn’t challenge it, but I still ended up winning, so I’d like to take a moment to apologize to the TV that I yelled at in that bar that I was in. I mean, the TV in that not-a-bar that I was in, definitely not drinking.