Here’s An NFL Power Ranking With Teams Ranked In No Particular Order

With most teams now a quarter of the way through the NFL season, it’s time to take a look at where each team stacks up in the inaugural edition of Uproxx Sport’s NFL power rankings of teams in the NFL ranked 1-32 in no particular order with current overall record in parenthesis.

1. Buffalo Bills (2-2) – After Week 2, Bills fans were celebrating impressive back-to-back wins as well as the purchase of their favorite team by the Pegula family, all but guaranteeing the Bills will be staying in Buffalo for the foreseeable future. Two weeks later they’re on a 2 game losing streak, EJ Manuel has looked no better at QB than you or I would, and now head coach Doug Marrone is benching Manuel and replacing him with Kyle Orton. This reminds me of one time a few years ago when something awesome happened to me, but then a couple weeks later a lot of bad things happened.
2. St. Louis Rams (1-2) – If you were a journeyman backup quarterback in the NFL, wouldn’t you just call the front office of the Rams every offseason? “Hey Guys, it’s me, Jason Campbell. Yeah I’m available again. I’d be happy to take a back seat to Sam Bradford. Oh absolutely I’ll be a team player. Yeah I just want the opportunity to get a shot should the need arise and also to help any young guys on the roster.”
3. Kansas City Chiefs (2-2) – A dominating win on MNF against a perennial Super Bowl favorite takes a back seat today because The Royals are in the playoffs! The Royals are in the playoffs! We don’t care about the Chiefs yet because The Royals are in the Playoffs! Nobody here is rooting for the A’s, right? Good I didn’t think so. The Royals are in the Playoffs!
4. Tennessee Titans (1-3) – I could never be an NFL beat reporter for the Titans because every time I went to interview Jake Locker in the locker room, I’d spend the entire time looking up at his nametag and I wouldn’t be able to focus on anything he was saying.
5. Chicago Bears (2-2) – In the Bears 2 wins, Jay Cutler is a combined 46 of 72 passing for 401 yards, 6 TD’s and 0 INT’s. In the Bears 2 losses, he’s 56 of 83 for 605 yards, 4 TD’s and 4 INT’s. In other words, Cutler’s entire career in a nutshell.
6. Cleveland Browns (1-2) – All summer, the biggest story making headlines on sports radio in Cleveland was whether or not Billy Cundiff would hold off the arrogant hot shot undrafted free agent kicker Jake Rogers in training camp. In Week 3, Cundiff was 0-2 on FG’s, so we’ll keep our eye on how this progresses.
7. Carolina Panthers (2-2) –  The Panthers started the year 1-3 in 2013, so 2-2 shouldn’t be anything they can’t recover from. However, giving up a combined 75 points the last two games to Pittsburgh and Baltimore is a bit unnerving. Ravens wide receiver Steve Smith was out there on Sunday running around the Panthers’ defensive backs like they were schoolyard kids. Hey don’t take my word for it, just ask Steve Smith.
8. Minnesota Vikings (2-2) – That sound you just heard was everyone rushing to pick up Jerick McKinnon on their fantasy teams. Well no, that’s not really true. What you actually just heard was the guy on the other side of your cubicle wall talking to his wife on the phone discussing what they should have for dinner tonight. Adding players to your fantasy team doesn’t make much sound at all.
9. Houston Texans (3-1) – Raise your hand if you’d like the Texans to utilize JJ Watt the same way the SCLSU Mud Dogs utilized Bobby Boucher. “And here comes Watt on the kicking team!!!”
10. Philadelphia Eagles (3-1) – The Eagles lost for the first time on Sunday in San Francisco as LeSean McCoy and Darren Sproles combined for only 21 yards rushing on 11 carries. Riley Cooper also lost a fumble, which was nice.
11. Atlanta Falcons (2-2) – The biggest thing we’ve learned so far this season about the Falcons is that Mike Tice and Bryan Cox should have their own show on HBO. I’m confident that the concept will come together organically, so the only thing we really need to do now is name it. Tice Bucket Challenge is out because it doesn’t incorporate Bryan Cox. And Bucket of Cox is also out because it makes no sense. So have at it. Best name wins a prize. Or probably just internet prestige.
12. New England Patriots (2-2) – 2014 Tom Brady : 2001 Drew Bledsoe :: 2014 Jimmy Garoppolo : 2001 Tom Brady. My column. Did I do that right?
13. Oakland Raiders (0-4) – The Raiders were blown out 38-14 to the Dolphins to remain winless through the first quarter of the season. On a positive note, I think I may have read something somewhere that said everyone on their team makes a conscious effort to recycle.
14. Cincinnati Bengals (3-0) – The Bengals won all 3 games leading up to their bye and are +47 through 3 games, the best in the NFL. I have nothing else to add except that I’ve driven through Cincinnati a few times, and one of those times I stopped off at a Skyline Chili. It was horrible. That wasn’t chili. Nor was it food. In fact I’m confident that Skyline Chili is one of those things that people from Cincinnati have conspired to lie to outsiders about as a joke. Good joke, Cincinnati. Well played. I fell for it.
15. Arizona Cardinals (3-0) – After a Week 4 bye, the Cardinals are one of two remaining unbeaten teams along with Cincinnati. They travel to Denver for Week 5, so it’s a good bet that the 1972 Dolphins players are well on their way to continue doing or not doing that lame tradition that they may or may not do every year depending on whom you ask.
16. Seattle Seahawks (2-1) – Wait we’re already to 16 and just now getting to the Seahawks? What kind of order are these rankings even in? This is just a random order with a series of nonsensical comments, isn’t it? Hey, eyes on your own paper.
17. Indianapolis Colts (2-2) – The Colts beat the Titans 41-17 on Sunday, proving that if you can outscore your opponent by 24 after the 4th quarter, you should win handily every time provided you’re playing the game under standard NFL league rules.
18. Baltimore Ravens (3-1) – Still nothing out of the ordinary to report at this time.
19. Washington Generic Team Name (1-3) – Do you think RGIII read the Ryan Leaf news from earlier this month and thought to himself, “isn’t he that guy who came into the league with high expectations along with another QB with equally high expectations? Geez, good thing I have nothing in common with THAT guy”?
20. New Orleans Saints (1-3) – We may be at the point now where we have to admit that New Orleans just isn’t very good. I suspect people will still automatically pick them to win each week in their confidence pools, but we’re all 1-3 picking them so far this year, right?
21. Pittsburgh Steelers (2-2) – The Steelers could not hold a 7 point 4th quarter lead at home to a previously winless Buccaneers team, proving that no lead is safe when the opposing team has [checks who the opposing team has]…guys who try really hard? Yeah I’m not sure. The NFL makes no sense. If you find yourself wanting to gamble on an NFL game, do yourself a favor and put your phone down and go outside and play.
22. New York Jets (1-3) – I’m going to give you some career numbers by a quarterback; you tell me if they belong to Geno Smith or Mark Sanchez. 56.8% completion rate, 16 TD’s, 26 INT’s, 68.5 passer rating. Give up? It’s both. They both have the exact same career numbers. I know, right? I was surprised by that too. No don’t look it up. You can trust me. There is absolutely no difference between Geno Smith and Mark Sanchez.
23. Jacksonville Jaguars (0-4) – The Jaguars are on their way to another miserable season, but it’s not all bad news. Blake Bortles completed passes to 10 different receivers on Sunday. I’m confident that’s a good thing, right? I know that football commentators love to say it is. Then again I looked at the list of names and believe me, you don’t know any of them. Still a solid job by the QB though. I got my eye on you, Balakay.
24. Detroit Lions (3-1) – The Lions won for the 3rd time on Sunday despite Calvin Johnson only catching 2 passes for 12 yards. This team may be the the class of the NFC North. Well at least until they fall apart at the end of the year and finish 9-7. But for now, we celebrate!!!!
25. San Francisco 49ers (2-2) – This was the 6th year in a row that I put together my preseason fantasy rankings and was shocked that Frank Gore was still around and still good. Doesn’t it feel like we’ve been drafting that guy since the 90’s? I’m confident I once drafted him in a friend’s living room and wrote his name down on a piece of paper that the commissioner then had to add to his master spreadsheet.
26. Miami Dolphins (2-2) – If the questions are “where do the A’s play“, “where can I go to the see the oldest bird sanctuary in the United States“, or “where should my favorite NFL football team go to stop a losing streak“, the answer is always the same.
27. Dallas Cowboys (3-1) – Are the Cowboys for real? Well that depends on who you ask. I asked my next door neighbor, but I’m not sure if he counts. “Hey Bill, are the Cowboys for real?” “I don’t know. I’m not really a sports fan. They’re football, right?” My research up to this point may not be of any value.
28. Denver Broncos (2-1) – Emmanuel Sanders is on pace for nearly 1800 yards through 3 weeks. In 4 years in Pittsburgh, his previous career high was 740. Sometimes I wonder how many yards a random athletic-looking fan from the stands would have if he had Peyton Manning throwing to him and he had at least a general knowledge of the play call and route. Would it be zero? Could it be 30 or so?
29. Green Bay Packers (2-2) – I feel like Aaron Rodgers is the Justin Verlander of football. They just seem like the same dude to me with similar career paths. This year was beginning to look like Verlander’s 2013 for Rodgers, but thankfully for Aaron, it was nothing a game against the Bears defense couldn’t fix. Aaron says relax.
30. New York Giants (2-2) – I tried to watch their game on Thursday night against the Generic Team Names. I promise I did. But then I saw Pitch Perfect was on again and, well, you know. Yeah I couldn’t a-ca-believe it either.
31. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (1-3) – The Bucs won for the first time this season 27-24 over the Steelers. Afterwards, head coach Lovie Smith met with the media and said, “hi Folks, I’m ready to take your questions.” He then answered some of them, but I don’t have any of those details right now.
32. San Diego Padres (3-1) – Yeah I put “Padres”. I was just checking to see if you were still paying attention and made it this far. I applaud and appreciate your efforts.

Until next time…