Bill O’Reilly Finally Declares An End To The War On Christmas

It’s alright to praise Jesus, the war is over! Christmas is Christmas once again, so sayeth Bill O’Reilly. The pundit took to his show to crow about his victory in the long running “War on Christmas” following the release of a Pew Study that says 72% of Americans are cool with symbols like the Nativity being slapped on government property. From Yahoo News:

“I’ve been doing this for about 10 years, and this is the only year we have not had a store command its employees not to say ‘Merry Christmas,'” he said. “It’s over, we won. Anyone can say ‘Merry Christmas’ if they want to. They don’t have to — I’m not Stalin. But I’m very happy.”

“I might have just fulfilled my last obligation on earth,” O’Reilly joked.

And then Bill floated to the ceiling, blasted through sending rubble crashing down on top of Neil Cavuto, and finally took his rightful place in eternity next to Joseph Smith and Bumblebee Girl from that Blind Melon video.

Now as Yahoo News points out, O’Reilly’s co-workers at Fox News aren’t feeling the same way because they have programming scheduled for Christmas that toes the line and beats the drums of war. I think on a night when Stephen Colbert is leaving for the greener pastures of network television, we need to believe in Papa O’Reilly more than ever. He’s trying to drag us out of this quagmire we’ve been in for years now and bring the world back together for the holidays.

Maybe he’ll invite the Satanists on to really drive the message home. Extend that olive branch.

(Via Yahoo News)