Why Are Teenagers Doing It Less?

One of the God-given truths of American politics is that teenagers have lots of sexytimes, because they’re young, nubile, and hormone-ridden. Even people who have actually attended American high schools and observed the rampant lack of self-esteem and general sulkiness insist this must be true, which tells you a lot about the kind of person insisting all teenagers have sex. Well, it never has been true: as far back as we’ve got records, at least 70% of student bodies are staying firmly clothed. But lately, apparently the percentage of students staying pure has gone up. Teenagers brazenly choosing chastity, and why Northwestern psychology classes are awesome, today in Uproxx News.

First, those teenagers ruining the dreams of porn producers everywhere. Over the last decade, the percentage of virgins in the 18-24 age group in a major sexuality study conducted by the CDC went up from 22% to 28%. And nobody actually knows why.

Needless to say, everybody is rushing to claim credit for America’s (allegedly) newly chaste youth, but the reasons are obscure, especially since the CDC chose to phrase their question as to why their participants were still virgins as “Well, why the heck not?” The most plausible guess is simply that America’s teens are by and large too busy to get busy: between school, jobs, volunteer gigs, and sports, most teens just don’t have the energy. In addition, because we can’t have something like this without somebody saying it, some blame video games and guitar-playing for teenage boys’ lack of interest in girlfriends.

Yeah, somehow, we think “Call of Duty” has an uphill battle against “boobs” in the teenage boy’s mind. Just guessing here.

The study also showed that women were more likely to have had a same sex encounter, and uneducated women were more likely to have done so than educated women to which we can only say:

Anyway, these teens will all eventually grow up and get some, and some will go to college, where they will discover a far less demure sexual culture. And if they go to Northwestern, way less demure, as in after-class activities include watching live sex acts.

No, seriously. A psychology professor at Northwestern University, J. Michael Bailey, possibly sick of nobody showing up for his after-class events, invited Ken Melvoin-Berg, a Chicago-area tour guide who apparently knows enough about fetishes to get paid $300 to speak about them, to come speak. Melvoin-Berg brought along an exhibitionist couple, who in turn brought along a martial aid made out of a power saw and a…lady’s best friend.

Then they did a live demonstration of how the martial aid worked, precisely. Yes, seriously. To be fair, both the professor and the speaker warned the audience five or six times they were going to see hot action live, right there, and if the students were going to be offended by hot live action, they should leave like the wusses they were.

Apparently, the professor only realized what a bad idea this was after he started getting complaints and the head of the college started looking into the incident. He has since apologized, but that might not be enough to save his job.

Hey, maybe if he gets fired, he could go teach sex ed to those teenagers.


  • U.S. teens learn modesty; producers of porn weep bitter tears (Boston Globe)
  • Northwestern psychology professor conducts experiment on how fast you can get fired. (CLTV)



  • In adorable puppy news, the animal control officer of Sulphur, OK (yes, that’s really the name) injected a stray puppy named Wall-e in the foreleg and heart with a fatal dose of sedative to put him to sleep. But you can’t keep a good dog down; Wall-e survived both doses and as a result, hundreds of people are applying to adopt him. You know, because there aren’t other dogs in shelters that need homes. (MSNBC)
  • And in other animal survival news, a bald eagle crashed through the windshield of a semi truck, but somehow not only survived, but was nursed back to health and released today, no doubt with an American flag gripped in its claws. (Eco Friendly News)



  • How do we know the teens aren’t just lying on the survey? Because teen pregnancy has dropped off a cliff since 1990, with just 7% of teens getting pregnant, despite what MTV wants to tell you (Washington Post)
  • On the bright side of puppy rescue, 4 million cats and dogs are adopted each year. Awwww. (American Humane Society)