Rece Davis: “We go to the stage now with the commissioner of the NBA, David Stern.”
David Stern: “Whoaaaaa (weird smile). Thank you for that warm welcome and good evening. Welcome to the 2012 NBA Draft.”
Ah yes, the annual booing of David Stern. Is there anything more emblematic of the NBA Draft than the antagonistic heckling of the NBA commissioner? Besides hats that don’t fit, excessive hugging and terrible questions from Mark Jones, no, probably not.
And though we weren’t blessed with names like Jonas ValanÄiÅ«nas, Bismack Biyombo and Nikola VuÄeviÄ‡ this year for David Stern to blindly stumble his way through, the Pacers took another white guy so the world is still right.
Welcome to Dime‘s 2012 NBA Draft Awards â€“ an awards ceremony where we celebrate the obscene, the awkward and the term “wingspan.” Unlike the red carpet, we encourage the peculiar and admire the hideous. You wear a green suit, you probably get an award. You hug David Stern for more than four seconds, you probably get an award. You cry in an interview in a response to another cliche interview question from the ESPN mobb, you bet your ass you get an award. Much like the Oscars, this award defines your legacy â€“ separating the boys from the Hall of Famers.
Without further ado, your 2012 NBA Draft Awards.
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RACHEL NICHOLS AWARD FOR MOST AWKWARD INTERVIEW:
The first award of the night goes to Heather Cox and Thomas Robinson‘s little sister, Jayla.
Heather Cox: “Thanks Mark, were joined here by Jayla, Thomas’s little sister. Jayla, have you ever seen your brother cry?”
HC: “How exciting is this for you and your brother?”
J: “It’s, um…it’s good.”
HC: (searching for anything) “Is it pretty good?”
Seriously, though â€“ what’d ESPN expect from Jayla? For her to say that her big brother has added five feet to his jumper, or that he’s begun a new plyometric workout that’s improved his footwork? Or that’s she’s been pushing him a lot harder in the weight room lately? I mean, come on. You don’t interview little kids, everyone knows that.
FUNNIEST MOMENT AWARD:
If anyone was wondering the lengths at which John Calipari would go to market himself and his school for the sake of potential recruits, I think we got our answer. After Cleveland selected Dion Waiters with the fourth pick, Rece Davis transitioned to an ESPN “wired” segment featuring – you guessed it – John Calipari. The following conversation took place.
Calipari sitting with Anthony Davis and Michael Kidd-Gilchrist…
Cal: (pointing his finger) “Your name gets called…you hug mom…you hug dad…and then you hug me.”
Cal: “Then I string you around to the camera, so it sees my face.”
I felt slimy just typing that…
BEST DRESSED AWARD:
Tough decision between Dion Waiters’ baby blue suit, peach shirt and orange tie that surprisingly worked, and Damian Lillard‘s Nucky Thompson-esque grey suit, black vest and red pocket square. In the end, I went with Lillard because we’re both from the Bay Area and because Boardwalk Empire is my favorite show. This is my awards ceremony – I make the rules.
WORST DRESSED AWARD:
Another disappointing year in the “What the hell is he wearing?” department. Not a whole lot of chances taken. In the end, I went with Terrence Ross and his green bow tie. Can someone please explain to me why players all of a sudden stopped dressing like Flavor Flav because this whole trying-to-look-nice thing really sucks.
MOST ANNOYING STORYLINE AWARD:
Did you know Anthony Davis was only 6-3 going into his senior year of high school? He was a shooting guard, and now he’s a power forward because he grew eight inches during his senior year of high school. Did you catch that, his senior year of high school. How amazing is that?
JAY BILAS “WINGSPAN” AWARD FOR TERM MOST REPEATED BY A TV ANALYST:
Looks like Mr. Bilas did some terminology shopping and picked himself out a brand new term. This year’s word â€“ “relentless.” After describing MKG’s motor, Dion Waiters’s aptness for attacking the basket, and Thomas Robinsons’ rebounding abilities all as “relentless,” I couldn’t help myself. It may be time for a new drinking game because “wingspan” is so unrelenting.
MOST POINTLESS/UNNECESSARY QUESTION ASKED BY MARK JONES DURING POST-DRAFT INTERVIEW AWARD:
This one could have gone a lot of different ways (Is Mark Jones really the best ESPN can do? Why don’t they just hire Metta World Peace and give him the green light as long as he doesn’t elbow anybody in the head?), but I decided on the Mark Jones/Damian Lillard interview. Mark brought his A-game for this one.
Jones: “Damian, your from Oakland. That city has a great history and lineage of guards, Gary Payton, Brian Shaw, Jason Kidd â€“ you spoke with those guys, what did they tell you about being successful at the next level?”
Lillard: “Um, GP never really talked to me about being successful, but Brian Shaw gave me a lot of pointers about being a point guard in the league.”
Jones: “Alright, congratulations, Reece, back to you.”
Thanks for doing your homework Mark and not wasting anyone’s time with pointless questions that my mom could have simultaneously answered while doing the laundry.
BEST MOMENT AWARD:
This one was easy for me. With the No. 33 pick in the NBA Draft, the Cleveland Cavaliers selected Bernard James from Boston College. James, 27, was the oldest player selected on Thursday night, but that wasn’t what made his selection such a special one. At age 17, James enlisted in the Unites States Air Force, where he went on to complete a six-year term, serving three separate tours in Iraq, Afghanistan and Qatar. James left the Air Force with the rank of staff sergeant. Truly a special moment in the NBA Draft, and one we will never forget. USA! USA!
What other 2012 NBA Draft Awards would you hand out?
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