A New Study Shows That Michael Bay Movies Cause People to Eat More Junk Food

Watching a Michael Bay movie for entertainment is like going to Denny’s for their Hobbit menu: both come from a place of deep shame. Recently, a group of scientists – with seemingly nothing better to do – have built a correlation between Autobots and trans fats. A study released to the LA Times showed that people who watched Bay’s The Island were more likely to eat junk food than when they watched a slower-paced program, in this case, my favorite half-man/half-corpse – Charlie Rose.

To conduct this profoundly significant study (don’t we still have to cure cancer or something?), scientists took 98 college students and placed them in a room full of chocolates, chips, fruits and vegetables. Viewers who watched The Island with the sound on consumed 98% more junk food and ate 65% more calories than those who watched Charlie. Researchers believe that more exciting/fast-paced a program is, the more likely viewers will overeat, and overeat junk. Garbage movies = garbage food. SURPRISE.

To be honest, I was a little bit confused by the results of the Charlie Rose study. I mean, I’ve been watching that show for years, and it doesn’t inspire me to “eat more carrots” insomuch as “fall asleep standing up.” He’s a lovely man with a zero percent understanding of lighting, and while I’m not about to go watch Michael Bay Anything, I’d appreciate at least one choreographed dance number.

While scientists believe that the level of engagement increases consumption, they’re unclear as to whether the number of edits has an impact. The Island features 24.7 cuts per minute, while Charlie came in at a breathtaking low 4.8. I, for one, would like to challenge these so-called scientists on their so-called definition of engagement. Were viewers who watched The Island eating because they were “more engaged” or “more depressed?” Also who in their right mind would ever be offered free chocolate donuts and VOLUNTARILY choose the CELERY plate?! Were these kids on drugs? (Answer: Yes).

More scientific studies on more irrelevant things expected to follow, shortly.