Because it’s Christmas, and especially since I’ve never been afraid to ask and answer the most important questions, I decided to task my own team of elves with determining which movie version of Santa Claus is the absolute greatest. Included in my always-scientific process were factors like jolliness, rosy-red cheekiness, ho-ho-ho-iness, and whether or not I’d want this Santa on my side in a street fight against the Grinch and Krampus. Also, perhaps most importantly, is this Santa creepy as hell? In fact, that question is so important that I’m going to let it take us right into the first entrant on this list…
20) The Polar Express
Everything about this movie, even Santa Claus, has always been super creepy. Robert Zemeckis’s adventure in motion capture computer animation is the stuff that holiday nightmares are made of, almost as if your creepy goth cousin Trevor (AKA Moon Blood) laced the egg nog with LSD before he crashed two model trains together. Cut it out already, Trevor! This is why Aunt Paula hates you.
19) Santa Baby 2
Our scientific process has nothing against the idea of a female Santa Claus, and God knows that the North Pole could consider implementing some new gender equality and fair pay policies at Santa’s Worskhop since it’s almost 2015. But Jenny McCarthy as Santa? No thanks. Actually, the first problem with this is that Santa went from George Wendt in Santa Baby to Paul Sorvino in Santa Baby 2 (hey, remember Goodfellas?), but then McCarthy took over the family business, and we don’t need her sharing her controversial thoughts on vaccines with our kids when all they want is new Pogs and slap bracelets.
18) Silent Night, Deadly Night
Wait, are we actually saying that Jenny McCarthy is worse than a deranged young man who watched his parents get stabbed to death by a man dressed as Santa, only to adopt that same Santa look and method of punishment for all of the people that he considered to be bad? Yes. That’s exactly what we’re saying.
17) Bad Santa
If this had been a ranking of Santas that we want to get drunk and insult people with, or even pull off crimes that take advantage of people simply celebrating the holiday spirit, then Willie T. Stokes would be our No. 1 guy. Well, it would be close, because Billy and eventually Ricky from Silent Night Deadly Night would make great distractions, but because murdering fornicating teens is so messy, we’ll stick with Willie for now.
16) Santa Claus (1959)
Have you ever watched this bizarre film? It was on Mystery Science Theater 3000 a long time ago, and that’s how I’ve always remembered it, but you can (and should) watch the whole thing on YouTube. Basically, if you need Santa to help fight off a guy sort of dressed like the devil, then this is your Santa. But honestly, looking at this so-called Satan, a swift kick to the nuts would probably dispatch this dude, and then you’d be free to party with any of the rest of these Santas.
15) A Christmas Story
I’ve always hated this Santa. He was a jerk. And why did the mall still employ him after he kicked poor Ralphie down the slide? He kicked a kid in the face! This Santa was a real a-hole, and if you don’t believe me, just turn on TBS. It’s the network with employees that press play on A Christmas Story and then let it run on repeat while they get wasted and pass out for 24 hours.
14) The Search for Santa Paws
Santa Claus actually proved to be ineffective in this holiday film from the Air Bud franchise, as he spent most of the movie with no clue that he was actually Santa. Fortunately, what made this Santa awesome was that he had talking dogs that were able to help him recover his memory and save Christmas. Basically, not only are the dogs from the Air Bud films capable of dunking basketballs and beating their defenders on fly patterns in man coverage, but they can also make sure that Santa is able to deliver all of our presents on time. Sidekicks like that are just as important as a beard and sleigh.
13) Santa’s Slay
This Santa clearly lost points for being the deranged, homicidal immaculate conception of Satan from thousands of years ago, but he actually gains points for the hilarious ways in which he murders people on Christmas. Also, it’s not like he’s flying around the world murdering millions of people in one night. The dude spent one Christmas just working over a random town, which meant that the rest of the world was actually safe. And if he showed up to your town, all you had to do was hide in a safe place while he hunted down morons out in the open. Above all else, he could be forced to be good for a thousand years at a time if the angel can simply beat him in a curling match. This guy was hardly invincible. (He was also played by Bill Goldberg, and that always means extra points.)
12) Santa Who?
The better Santas are those that help people recapture their faith in the Christmas spirit. But the best Santas are those that are played by lovable actors like Leslie Nielsen. In fact, some of us believe that Nielsen is actually Santa and still flying through the sky at night, perhaps with Nordberg caught in a bundle of Christmas lights behind the sleigh, slamming into chimney after chimney. Let’s face it – Nordberg basically deserves that these days.
11) Mr. St. Nick
This Santa’s story was a classic one – he’s next in line to become Santa, but he’s reluctant for some reason or another. But in this case, St. Nicholas is played by Kelsey Grammer and he’s a swinging bachelor living the high life in beautiful Miami Beach. Fortunately, he realizes that family and love are the most important things in life, while also stopping some dicks from stealing money from a charity, and that makes him a pretty rad Santa in our book.