Amazing Spider-Man Official Synopsis: ‘We thwear itth totally different, you guyth, theriouthlay’

Official synopses usually aren’t the most interesting thing in the world, but considering The Amazing Spider-Man, from director Marc Webb and Scarfield, basically tells the same origin story that the Raimi/Tobey Maguire movie did a few years ago, and still had the balls to tag the poster “THE UNTOLD STORY,” I thought it’d be interesting to see how they tried to spin the synopsis. The real reason Sony keeps making these is that if they don’t, the rights will revert back to Marvel, but I admit “BECAUSE WE HAD TO” doesn’t sound great in a press release. But it was basically the same situation with Fox and X-Men: First Class, and that worked out okay. It goes to show you never can tell.

One of the world’s most popular characters is back on the big screen as a new chapter in the Spider-Man legacy is revealed in “The Amazing Spider-Man.” Focusing on an untold story that tells a different side of the Peter Parker story, the new film stars Andrew Garfield, Emma Stone, Rhys Ifans, Denis Leary, Campbell Scott, Irrfan Khan, with Martin Sheen and Sally Field. The film is directed by Marc Webb from a screenplay written by James Vanderbilt, based on the Marvel Comic Book by Stan Lee and Steve Ditko. Laura Ziskin, Avi Arad, and Matt Tolmach are producing the film in association with Marvel Entertainment for Columbia Pictures, which will open in theaters everywhere in 3D on July 3, 2012.

“It’s an a different side of an already different story, and the main thing that strikes you about it is that it’s so drastically… different! I mean really, this is about as different as two stories that both end in a kid gaining radioactive spider superpowers could possibly be.”

“The Amazing Spider-Man” is the story of Peter Parker (Garfield), an outcast high schooler who was abandoned by his parents as a boy, leaving him to be raised by his Uncle Ben (Sheen) and Aunt May (Field). Like most teenagers, Peter is trying to figure out who he is and how he got to be the person he is today. Peter is also finding his way with his first high school crush, Gwen Stacy (Stone), and together, they struggle with love, commitment, and secrets. As Peter discovers a mysterious briefcase that belonged to his father, he begins a quest to understand his parents’ disappearance – leading him directly to Oscorp and the lab of Dr. Curt Connors (Ifans), his father’s former partner. As Spider-Man is set on a collision course with Connors’ alter-ego, The Lizard, Peter will make life-altering choices to use his powers and shape his destiny to become a hero. [Sony via ComingSoon]

“This is a totally untold story that has never been told before on film. We took an unprecedented look at the Spider-Man legend, and we promise it’s going to blow. F*cking shock loads. Into your mind pussy, with its totally f*cking unprecedentedly inconceivable f*cking newness. Are you ready for this, bitches? Of course you’re not. In a couple seconds you’re going to be screaming into your pillow, wishing you’d chugged the red pill. But tough shit, because here it goes. Are you ready? Are you holding onto your hat? Is your bow tie tied tight? Are your panties pulled up? Did you staple your monocle to your eyeball? If not it’s too late now. That’s right, motherf*ckers: His girlfriend is blonde now.

Here, take a cigarette and give it to your mind, because it just got blown.”