Arnold Schwarzenegger is going to play Conan the Barbarian again

This summer, Universal is going to build you a house in your idealized past where you can play with your old toys and lost youth and live happily ever after with Scruffy, the beagle who went off to live on your uncle’s farm after he chewed up your mom’s shoes! …Something like that.

Universal Pictures has made a deal for The Legend Of Conan, an action film that will star Arnold Schwarzenegger in one of his signature roles as Robert E. Howard’s mythic barbarian.

Yo, isn’t the life expectancy of a barbarian like 27? I want whatever barbarian healthcare plan he’s on. Arnold will be 67 if this comes out on schedule.

The film will be produced by Fredrik Malmberg and Chris Morgan. Malmberg is CEO of Paradox Entertainment, which holds the rights to Conan. Morgan is the Universal-based writer and producer whose credits include the last four Fast and the Furious films, along with Wanted and 47 Ronin. Morgan has hatched the story and might write the script.

If you’re wondering, “But hey, didn’t they just make a Conan reboot starring that Hawaiian guy?” You would be correct, but no one saw it, so they can just reboot it again. Or give it a partial-reboot sequel thingy like this is.

“The original ended with Arnold on the throne as a seasoned warrior, and this is the take of the film we will make,” Malmberg told me. “It’s that Nordic Viking mythic guy who has played the role of king, warrior, soldier and mercenary, and who has bedded more women than anyone, nearing the last cycle of his life. He knows he’ll be going to Valhalla, and wants to go out with a good battle.”

It’s also worth noting here that Valhalla, as I understand it, is a conception of heaven that consists almost entirely of battles.

Morgan said that in his mind, The Legend of Conan not only skips over that film, but also the 1984 sequel that Schwarzenegger starred in.

“I love the property of Conan so much that I wouldn’t touch it unless we came up with something worthy. We think this is a worthy successor to the original film. Think of this as Conan’s Unforgiven.” [Deadline]

Well, I’m just glad Hollywood’s action stars are content to age gracefully. And I completely understand the Unforgiven comparison, based on how they’ve described it.

Unforgiven: “It’s a hell of a thing, takin’ away everything a man’s got, everything he’s gonna have.”

Arnold’sConanreboot: “It sure would be nice to kill a few more dudes before I f*ck myself to death. You know, for old time’s sake.”