FilmDrunk

This Week In Movie Posters: Baywatch Promises Summer Will Come

This week in This Week in Posters, we begin with, praise Jesus, a big batch of character posters for the Baywatch movie. These, despite dropping in the dead of winter, offer the promise of an impending boob, abs, and thigh gap-filled summer (I assume the time of release is the only justification for the snow in the poster, since the movie presumably takes place in Malibu). Gather round, kiddies! And warm your frozen fingers over the hearth of Kelly Rohrbach’s pubic mound (she’s the new CJ Parker). I don’t know that I’ve ever seen one of those front-zip swimsuits outside of a nudie magazine shoot, not that I’m complaining.

I’m a little confused about the depth here. Somehow Alexandra Daddario’s surfboard is behind the letters, but her hip bone is in front of them? That would be one hell of a sashay. Or since the surfboard is in front of some letters and behind some others, maybe it’s letters that are supposed to be staggered? Who knows if there’s even rhyme or reason to it, it’s just as likely the designer was distracted by the boobage.

How dehydrated do you think Zac Efron was for this photoshoot? I’d be inclined to believe it’s mostly Photoshop, but then, his cheeks are almost as sunken as James Irvin’s during the weigh-in when he fought at middleweight. Whatever the case, his skin is starting to look like an exoskeleton. Impressive. I also like that they put the “I” over his dong. They say vertical stripes are very lengthening.

I don’t know who this guy is and I’m not going to look it up, I’m just thankful it isn’t Josh Gad.

Two boob poses and one butt pose, gee, I wonder how they decided who got the butt pose.

This German version offers The Rock and even more thigh gap. By the way, who is Kelly Rohrbach going to save? She has the legs of someone who has never run anywhere. She might snap one of those things in the thick sand. Not a criticism of the movie, incidentally, I doubt realism was the intention.

Nicole Eggert played Summer in the original series. You think this tagline is a double entendre? I hope so. Oh wait, Alexandra Daddario plays Summer. Yep, that was definitely intentional.

Oh good, Dan Stevens as the Beast, sure. “Hey, we need someone to play the big, scary beast, who should we get?”

“Hmm, how about the ridiculously handsome guy from Downtown Abbey?”

This is a travesty. Everyone knows Beast should be played by someone with a big ugly face like Ron Perlman. As a big ugly-faced American, I’m sick of these pretty boys stealing all our roles.

What is this frame supposed to be, like the window of a castle?

Stanley Tucci plays a credenza? Wonderful. In all honesty, this should be the only poster. Stanley Tucci in a ridiculous outfit is the hook. You think he gets to keep any of these? Between this and The Hunger Games, his potential wardrobe would be fabulous.

I imagine this is what an 18th Century Willy Wonka would look like. Then 18th Century aristocrats all sort of looked like Willy Wonka. Those were Willy Wonka-ass times, friends.

You think that’s her real hair?

GOD DAMMIT. NO. NO. NO NO NO NO NONONONONONONO.

Every Josh Gad poster should come accompanied by the tagline “…I heard he was great in Book of Mormon.”

Here lies Josh Gad, I heard he was great in Book of Mormon.

Is that an ice beast? Cool.

I see we’ve got the talking tea pot and singing candelabra and hey wait is that peacock? Is there going to be a live-action talking peacock in this Beauty and the Beast? This is going to be a weird movie. Now I want to see the Lars Von Trier version where the peacock pecks Belle’s eyes out and squawks “chaos reigns.”

I have to say, even though this is more or less the same premise as Fist Fight it looks a thousand times better. Maybe because it shows the actual fight? Fist Fight‘s marketing makes it look like there’s a 50/50 shot that Ice Cube and Charlie Day don’t even actually fight.

“A dream is never broken.”

Unlike… a record? Are you telling me this movie is going to be repetitive? Also, I legit have no idea what this movie is about.

I watched the original Ghost in the Shell on mushrooms so I don’t really remember the plot. Was it… Matrix-y? I also don’t know what Scarlett Johansson is doing in that position. It looks like she’s giving a lap dance in a motorcycle suit and gun. Which is… cool.

Horror movie are like crack in that you can get away with doing the bare minimum to advertise them. “It’s crack, from the people who brought you crack! New batch only moderately stepped on.”

Oh dude, my old buddy Matty Rager wrote this? So sick, bro, I didn’t even know he was writing movies. Last time I saw him was after the Tri-Delt Make A Wish Pimps and Hos mixer when he and Screech tried to steal the ice luge and Asian Chris shattered his femur. Always wondered what happened to that dude. Anyways, it’s cool he wrote this movie about James Franco trying to grow cheek hair or whatever.

Last time I made fun of John Wick 2 confusing a wick for a fuse, one of my commenters told me that in some places, “wick” and “fuse” are actually synonymous. I’ve never experienced this, but either way, why are you making me ponder semantics when John Wick has a pit bull sidekick who should be in every poster?

Logan looks pissed. I guess I would be too if I gave myself a new face scar every time I tried to scratch my nose.

This is a pretty cool poster, even if it’s just a photographic rendition of a logo I never really understood in the first place. Is it red, white, and blue because, like… America? Roses, a skull, a yin-yang kind of thing… the Grateful Dead logo kind of feels like they just combined all the most popular ’70s tattoo themes.

I don’t really who Wendell Barry is, but is that jacket for sale? I would buy this jacket.

My Life As A Zucchini is a bit of a head scratcher for a title, but the poster sells the cool claymation which is really all you need.

I feel like Jessica Chastain has been playing “the motherf*cker who found this place, sir” for the past five years. Also, look at those lapels! It looks like those were designed by the same guy who did Lenny Kravitz’s scarf.

Hold on, Rachel Weisz is playing Rachel? Talk about typecasting.

I have to hand it to this poster for Personal Shopper, they actually succeeded in making Kristen Stewart look like a femme fatale. Which is impressive considering in every other picture she just looks like she has heartburn.

I’m enjoying the way Resident Evil poster designers keep finding new and novel ways to draw your eye to Milla Jovovich’s crotch. No, see, her legs are spread because she’s trapped in an ankle thingy, get it?

Graphically, this poster looks like a drain swirling directly into her crotch.

And here in the latest Rock Dog poster we have British Chester Cheetah and Poochie from The Simpsons running from… something. This looks so weirdly cheap and generic, like the movie-within-a-movie from a Dreamworks movie.

This Instagram parody poster for Table 19 is a pretty effective way to squeeze a lot of information into a format that’s still eye-catching. Whether all that information actually makes you want to see it more is up for debate. I did enjoy that “legal_derp” commented all the credits and stuff. That’s a little fourth-wall breaking poster humor for you guys.

I’ve got a fieber, and the only cure for it is more Tulpen. See, I went with the cow bell joke instead of the “I’ll tell you where Alicia Vikander can plant her tulips” joke. I’m mature. Seriously though, Alicia Vikander is probably our best young actress these days, so if she wants me to see a super serious movie about tulip fever, I’m there. At least, I assume it’s super serious from this poster. If Zach Galifianakis had been in it it’d probably be a different story.

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