FilmDrunk

This Week In Posters: Mary Shelley, James Franco, And Jim Carrey’s ‘Dark Crimes’

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This week in This Week In Posters, we begin with Anon, which I assume is short for “anonymous,” and refers to Amanda Seyfried’s weird Patty Hearst wig. How come Clive Owen doesn’t have to wear a wig? Is he not also off the grid and on the run (strong tagline). I guess if you’re Clive Owen, you can become incognito just by making your gaze less penetrating. Assuming he can even turn that off. Anyway, they lined up the names and the faces, which I like.

[all posters via IMPA]

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If you’re ever considering making one of those posters that’s just a series of isolated headshots… maybe don’t? The color scheme looks very 2006, though I can’t entirely explain why.

That guy second from right has one of those beards that’s so thick it looks like he just has solid hair growth covering his entire head and he has to shave a spot where his face is.

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What a lovely, nostalgic poster for the Cannes Netflix Sucks Film Festival. The imagery reminds me of my favorite genre of European film, in which a-Guiseppe has-a many-a day dream about alla the sexy-a lady.

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I can’t decide what the funniest part of this poster is. Is it the title, “Dark Crimes,” which sounds like a placeholder title for airport fiction? Is it the tagline about a “dark mind?” Is it the fact that said dark mind is in this case personified by the guy who got famous using his butthole as a puppet? This looks like if Jared Leto wrote a James Patterson novel.

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Dang, I wish I could read Korean. On another note, does anyone else find it weird that gruff mercenaries and Brooklyn baristas have the same haircut now?

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It seems like it would be more dangerous than it’s worth to have all those knives attached to you when you’re trying to beat people up in your high-heeled bondage outfit. The odds of you accidentally stabbing yourself vs stabbing yourself have to be 10 to one.

I’m sure there’s a significance to the eye tan but I don’t remember what it is. Kinda looks like Spuds Mackenzie.

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Hey, there’s that haircut again! Lotta range, that cut. Anyway, I’m going to see the hell out of this movie, even though Steve Coogan’s face looks photoshopped on in this.

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This has to be this week’s funniest poster. I legitimately LOL’d. The fight for color begins!

“Get it? It’s like Dune meets Pleasantville! It can’t miss!”

“…How did you get in here?”

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Wow. That is… impressively creepy. I looked at Dylan McDermott’s face and my deadbolt spontaneously latched itself. Somehow it makes it even more menacing that his name is right above his face like that.

“It’s like Lolita with sleeve tats.”

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Between the white sheet and the color scheme I just assumed this was A Ghost Story sequel. That’s probably pie on the walls.

The seven people who saw A Ghost Story will enjoy this joke.

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“Everyone is looking for a way out.”

Aw, but with that sun-drenched backdrop, heads pushed together, and skyline of Paris, I assumed this would be more about love, and yearning.

Are Gemma Arterton and Dominic Cooper big in the UK? They keep trying to sell them here as if they’re huge in the UK and we should already know who they are.

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I suppose if you’re going to rip off anything it might as well be Fury Road. This poster looks like Fury Road as drawn by Ralph Steadman, which, again, isn’t the worst thing in the world.

I was about to say that it’s pretty cool that James Franco can go from directing Oscar-nominated movies to starring in genre movies with Lucy Liu and Milla Jovovich, but then I looked it up and he actually co-directed this. I enjoy that this is what James Franco’s passion project looks like.

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Sweet Jesus, hasn’t this movie come out yet? At this point I’m willing to bet that more people have seen the posters from Sherlock Gnomes than will see the movie. I feel like this movie is costing me emotional labor.

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Whoa whoa whoa, last poster it was just the Guernsey Literary Society. Now the potato peels are back? Stop teasing us. Either make with the potato peels or have the decency to admit there aren’t any.

(*sees pages blowing in the wind*) (*whispers to date*)

“That’s the literature.”

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This is a nice, creepy poster for Hereditary. Based on the title and creepy girl, I’m guessing it’s about a creepy little kid, like 25% of all horror movies (the other 75% are haunted houses). Just having them all stare in the same place is a simple touch that really works.

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Is it just me, or does it just seem like they thought “What would’ve made a great poster for Call Me By Your Name?” In every way, this could apply to Call Me By Your Name. Maybe replace the Ferris wheel with a Roman statue. I don’t know why they gave him a Terminator eye with the lens flare there.

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“Gretzky. Pelé. Rice.”

Look, I’m a 49er fan so I fully support putting Jerry Rice in the same category of greatness as Gretzky and Pelé, but I don’t know if “Rice” is a unique enough name to just expect people to know who it is. There are too many other Rices. Anne. Glen. Glen Rice may not end up being a Hall of Famer, but he did have sex with Sarah Palin, so…


..
.
Allegedly.

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I know I’ve said this before and I’m kind of picking nits, but I really hate the character design on that baby. He creeps me out. He looks like a gangster henchman from the twenties. Was that a Bugs Bunny bit where there was a tiny gangster who pretended to be a baby? He looks like that.

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But is Pete the horse? Just tell me. Anyway, I appreciate the depth effect they got with the font and layering. Way more visually interesting than just tilting the horizon line sideways like everyone else does.

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“The life that inspired Frankenstein.”

Um, actually, it’s the life that inspired Frankenstein’s monster– (*gets hit by bus*)

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The movie is about a big shark, get it? It’s scary because it’s bigger than a regular shark.

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Okay stop it you’re giving me the creeps.

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Great job on these posters.

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It’s pretty cool that The Rock wears the same outfit in every movie. Also, they maybe should’ve thought more about the position of his left hand here.

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I’m intrigued by this imagery. Is Sollers Point a place? Also, you’re just going to stick Jim Belushi’s name in the corner and expect us not to notice? You’re not going to sneak a Jim Belushi by me, no way. I’m not falling for that again.

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I liked Lando’s cape, obviously, but damn, does everyone in this get capes now? Come on, guys, one cape per crew.

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This is another poster for The Strangers: Prey at Night. I assume that’s the stranger in the mask there. Is it really a stranger if it’s just some person in a mask? I want to see someone rip off the mask and then go “Oh look, it’s Dave. False alarm, everyone! It was just Dave.”

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Going minimal and Hitchcocky, eh? Yeah, lotta people are doing that these days. I guess I’d like to know a little more about what this is actually about, but I enjoy the poster.

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MAH WAHFE! Sorry, false alarm, force of habit. Anyway, if Judi Dench or Maggie Smith was playing “the wife,” I would just assume that the wife is a firecracker, a real kick in the pants, whose sharp tongue and refreshing candor charms everyone. Because it’s Glenn Close, I assume she’s going to slowly poison this guy or kill his cat or something. Am I off base here?

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