Box Office: Hansel & Gretel Witch Hunters made $19 million, Farrelly Bros rip critics

Hansel and Gretel: Witch Hunters earned almost $20 million in its opening weekend, proving that I’ve completely misunderstood human nature my whole life. I haven’t felt this alienated from my fellow man since the last time someone mentioned any of today’s popular television or music or children’s names. Hansel/Gretel’s opening was three million better than Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter, and while critics hated it (15 percent on RottenTomatoes), audiences… well, audiences thought it was just sort of meh too, giving it a B cinemascore. Hooray for a dearth of options!

Elsewhere, Parker landed in fifth with just $7 million, even worse than the last Stafe movie. It’s all part of my thesis, No One Actually Likes J-Lo. Below even that was Movie 43, with just $5 million.

In seventh place, star-studded comedy anthology Movie 43 tanked with just $5 million. That’s lower than practically any comparable titles, including spoof comedy Disaster Movie ($5.8 million). The audience skewed younger (59 percent under 25 years of age) and about even on gender (51 percent male), and they gave the movie an atrocious “D” CinemaScore. [BoxOfficeMojo]

Yep, even stoned teenagers hated it. It should be noted, though, that it only cost $6 million to make. Still, the savage reviews (5% on RT) were mean enough that the Farrelly Brothers (who produced and directed a segment) felt compelled to answer back::

Seeing that, I actually felt bad about not seeing Movie 43 and just assuming everyone was right instead of deciding for myself. After all, the type of movie film that critics get wrong most often are sophomoric comedies. Dick jokes are supposed to be vulgar and silly and kind of bad, but try getting a film critic who takes a picture of himself in a super-serious pose in front of all his Kurosawa books to admit liking a dick joke. Your Highness was everything a movie like that should be and three out of four critics still hated it.

But then I remembered why I hadn’t seen Movie 43. The distributor didn’t screen it for critics. Why is it always the filmmakers not screening their movies for critics you hear complaining about the critics? How dare critics not like something we didn’t think was good enough to show them! Don’t whine about no one respecting that you tried to do something different, when up until three seconds ago, you seemed pretty embarrassed about it yourselves. And it’s not about having to kiss critics’ asses and bribe them by letting them in for free, it’s the palpable lack of pride in the product that comes with hiding your movie until the very last minute. Trying to hide it makes it already suspect. It makes it seem like you don’t care about it. And if you don’t care about your movie, you can bet no one else will.

Unless you’re Adam Sandler. For him it seems to work in reverse.

Top 10, via Indiewire:

1. Hansel and Gretel: Witch Hunters (Paramount) NEW – Cinemascore: B; Metacritic score: 18
$19,000,000 in 3,372 theaters; PSA (per screen average):; Cumulative: $19,000,000

2. Mama (Universal) Week 2 – Last weekend: #1
$12,900,000 (-55%) in 2,682 theaters (+35); PSA: $4,795; Cumulative: $48,600,000

3. Silver Linings Playbook (Weinstein) Week 11 – Last weekend: #3
$10,000,000 (-7%) in 2,641 theaters (+118); PSA: $3,786; Cumulative: $69,465,000

4. Zero Dark Thirty (Sony) Week 6 – Last weekend: #2
$9,800,000 (-38%) in 2,929 theaters (-17); PSA: $3,346; Cumulative: $69,904,000

5. Parker (FilmDistrict) NEW – Cinemascore:; Metacritic score: 43
$7,000,000 in 2,224 theaters; PSA: $3,147; Cumulative: $7,000,000

6. Movie 43 (Relativity) NEW – Cinemascore: D; Metacritic score: 18
$5,000,000 in 2,023 theaters; PSA: $2,472; Cumulative: $5,000,000

7. Django Unchained (Weinstein) Week 5; Last weekend: #7
$5,005,000 (-35%) in 2,007 theaters (-509); PSA: $2,484; Cumulative: $146,295,000

8. Gangster Squad (Warner Bros.) Week 3; Last weekend: #4
$4,200,000 (-51%) in 2,590 theaters (-513); PSA: $1,622; Cumulative: $39,647,000

9. Broken City (20th Century-Fox); Week 2; Last weekend: #5
$4,000,000 (-51%) in 2,622 theaters (+2); PSA: $1,526; Cumulative: $15,270,000

10. Les Miserables (Universal); Week 5; Last weekend: #8
$3,912,000 (-48%) in 2,201 theaters (-378); PSA: $1,777; Cumulative: $137,237,000