Brett Ratner Apologizes For Being A Meatheaded Goon

I hope you all saved up money for tickets and commemorative t-shirts, because the Brett Ratner Kinda Sorta Apology Tour is in full swing. You may remember in the last two days how good ol’ Ratface talked about “banging” Olivia Munn back before she was Asian, and endearingly pointed out to a crowded theater that “rehearsal is for f*gs.” Well, now he wants you to know he’s sorry. A little. You know, if you took it wrong. Pussy.

First, his statement on using a gay slur:

“I apologize for any offense my remarks caused. It was a dumb way of expressing myself. Everyone who knows me knows that I don’t have a prejudiced bone in my body. But as a storyteller I should have been much more thoughtful about the power of language and my choice of words.”

As a storyteller? AS A STORYTELLER? Whoawhoawhoa. Pump the brakes, bub. A drunk with a bullhorn tells more subtle and evocative stories than Brett Ratner. It’s like Hooters calling itself a three star French restaurant. And I love the classic “sorry if you were offended” tone. The whole statement might as well say, “Sorry if you homos got mad. I love you guys, really. You’re great to have around so ladies let their guard down. I’ll be more awesome next time. Love (not like that, ew), Ratsy.”

Anyway, even after his thoughtful and heartfelt apology, a bunch of powerful voices in the movie industry and the media made waves about how Ratner should be fired or asked to step down from his gig producing the Oscars. Yesterday, the Academy president released this statement backing him. From

Academy president Tom Sherak tells Deadline that Ratner’s use of a gay slur was “inappropriate…dumb and insensitive,” and that “this won’t and can’t happen again.” He goes on to note that “the apology [Ratner] gave I truly believe comes from his heart. If I didn’t believe it, I would do something about it. This is about integrity and honoring the Academy Awards, but we all make mistakes and I believe he didn’t mean it.”

Brett Ratner’s ability to escape harm and continually fall upward despite being a world class goon is breathtaking. The man is like the jamook Forrest Gump. I don’t know if we as a society should be horrified or bronze his neckbeard and hang it in a museum.

Ratner also went on Howard Stern yesterday to discuss Shrimpsterbationgate. Turns out it was all a big misunderstanding. Apparently Olivia Munn told him he wasn’t the “fat, slobby, smug, and ridiculously rich and famous blockbuster film director” who masturbated in front of her while holding a shrimp, which is a hilariously specific thing for Ratner to have admitted doing if he didn’t actually do it. I mean, how many women do you have to masturbate in front of while holding a shrimp before you hear an accusation like this and are all, “Yup, it was probably me”? Five? Ten? One hundred? I don’t even know. I’m legitimately curious.

During the course of the interview, he apologized for talking about how he “banged her a couple times,” saying ““She’s actually talented. The problem is I made her look like she’s a whore.” He went on to add (I imagine), “Not that whores can’t be talented. Believe me, I know some very talented whores. What, you don’t have a Rolodex full of highly skilled prostitutes? What are you, a queer?”