Chet Haze’s Twitter account is str8 BONKERZ, homie

It’s been almost a month since the internet first discovered Tom Hanks’ youngest son, aspiring rapper/Northwestern student Chet Haze, and I’m still having trouble coming to grips with the idea that this is a real person.  I mean all these years I’d been thinking Malibu’s Most Wanted was over-the-top and campy, and come to find out, it was practically a documentary.  It’s like my whole life has been a lie.  (Though I do find it fascinating that wiggers are the only subculture so hated that the public isn’t even willing to tolerate parody.  Not even Juggalos can claim that.)

I digress, but when we first found C-Heezy, his Twitter account was in its nascent stages.  Three plus weeks later, I can report to you that it has become a source of comedy the likes of which hasn’t been seen since Sly Stallone (though, unlike Sly, in Chet’s case, the laughs do come with a heavy dose of soul crushing).  Here’s some of what he had to say (including using the word “homie” no less than eight times):

— scratch last tweet — homie showed up with a case of hennessy a fresh new system and DJ equipment –#DOPE

Oh man…yall don’t know the heat I’m about to bring with this mixtape…its gunna be #BONKERZ

@chelseavperetti just saw some of your stand up….funny stuff girl keep it up! #comedy lol

Ima go to olive mountain tonight, get myself a mountain of olives. Sike olives are nasty

a good rule of thumb for frat parties: dont mingle, let the minglers come to you..hahaaa!! #krunked #fratlife #college

steady on the grind – take care of business thats rule number one #realtalk

i treat these women kinda sheik, so every time i post some shit *brrr* *brrr* GOTTA tweet #twitty #tweet #twat

2 Fast 2 Furious was on tv….if this rap shit doesnt work out im becoming a loose cannon street racer #nodoubt #evamendes

Ha, str8 #comedy, lol.  It’s like if Ben Lyons put on the mask from The Mask and became the personification of his own id.  Oh, and for the record, just so no one accuses me of having been punk’d in three months, I’m pretty sure this is some kind of performance art project for a thesis.  And not a particularly good one.  We already have one Joaquin Phoenix, Chet, and he filmed himself getting pooped on.