Chuck Norris and JCVD Join Expendables 2

WELL FEATHER MY MULLET. It seems fellow former shong sporters (shong = short in front, long in back) Chuck Norris and Jean Claude Van Damme may have joined the cast of The Expendables 2. I say “may” because this comes from a FirstShowing report announcing “JCVD and Chuck Norris Officially Confirmed to Join Expendables 2?” PRO TIP: If a headline has a question mark at the end, you can ignore any words like “official” and “confirmed” before it. In any case, while there’s been no press release or official announcement, Norris and Van Damme’s names did show up on the film’s official website at MillenniumFilms. Here’s the rundown:

The Expendables are back and this time it’s personal!

Wait, so last time, when they flew a seaplane to a tropical island and overthrew a strongman and his army with six dudes because Sylvester Stallone had a crush on his daughter, that wasn’t personal? Or maybe it was, and this is kind of like that Mitch Hedberg line. “I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to too.”

After Tool (Mickey Rourke), the heart and soul of the Expendables, is brutally murdered on a mission, his comrades swear to avenge him. They’re not the only ones who want blood. Tool’s beautiful young and wild daughter Fiona…

Young, beautiful, wild, and VOLUPTUOUS daughter, I hope. That would make their mission more personal, I feel.

…embarks on her own revenge mission, complicating matters when she is captured and ransomed by a ruthless dictator plotting to destroy a resistance movement. Now Barney and the Expendables must risk everything to save her and humanity.
Cast: Sylvester Stallone Jason Statham Arnold Schwarzenegger Bruce Willis Jet Li Chuck Norris Jean Claude Van Damme Dolph Lundgren Terry Crews Randy Couture Scott Adkins

Ahh, beautiful, young, voluptuous, and not important enough to be listed in the cast, apparently. It sounds like she’s the TRUE expendable. Also, the lack of commas here seems suspicious, like they’re going to dupe us somehow. Surprise! It actually stars Willis Jet, Li Chuck, and Norris Jean!

Anyway, I hope you’re nostalgic, because this is like the movie equivalent of a supergroup made up of Kiss, Ted Nugent, and Foreigner.  And since it’s a sequel to The Expendables, it’s like a supergroup made up of Kiss, Ted Nugent, and Foreigner that only plays Linkin Park covers. I’m saying, the concept is getting a little stale. But I’ve got an idea to rejuvenate it. They take the “script,” and right before they shoot, each cast member has eleven days to write in plugs for whatever products he happens to be promoting at the time — Total Gym, Old Spice, Dolph Lundgren mackerel paste, whatever. Quick! Sly! Flex these mackerels into the guard’s eyes while Van Damme does the splits for some reason! They’ll never smell us coming because we’ll be wearing Old Spice! —> Ten times better movie, easily.