Chuck Norris still sucks

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, as cool as the Fake Chuck Norris that the internet invented is, the guy whose tears could cure cancer if only he’d cry, the real Chuck Norris is that much of a slimy dicklicker. The GPS on your phone will shut down if it’s traveling faster than 1000 miles per hour so that it can’t be used to guide missiles, which is why fake Chuck Norris can’t get directions while he’s punching stuff. Meanwhile, the real Chuck Norris wants Texas to secede from the Union (good riddance, just let us keep Austin) and sued the guys who created Fake Chuck Norris. And more recently, he wrote an article for Ammoland whose entire premise was slamming a guy named James Turley, a guy on the board of the Boy Scouts of America whose crime was saying publicly that he wants to change the Scouts’ policy against gay Scout Leaders. Hey, Boy Scouts, I hate to break it to you, but you already have plenty of gay Scout Leaders. Not a lot of straight guys going camping with a jaunty kerchief around their neck.

Norris’s article is so batsh*t it reads like vintage Victoria Jackson.

Is it a coincidence that Turley came out swinging against the BSA’s century-old policy to ban gays from leadership and that he has such close affiliations with the pro-gay Obama administration?

Is it a coincidence that Turley and his wife, Lynne, were just guests at a state dinner hosted by President Barack Obama and first lady Michelle Obama in honor of British Prime Minister David Cameron at the White House on March 14?

Is it a coincidence that Turley was nominated to President Obama’s Export Council in 2010?

Meanwhile, back in reality, as pointed out by my colleague Brendon over at WWTDD:

Turley, seen here with George Bush, was a member of Rudolph Guiliani’s finance team when he ran for President in 2008…

And back in Norris-land…

Is it a coincidence Turley was granted a seat on an investment advisory panel that met with none other than Vladimir Putin in Moscow in October?

Brilliant deduction, Norris. Putin, who is Russian, must be a communist, and communists, as we all know, are super-duper LGBT friendly, what with homosexuality being “fiercely suppressed in the USSR during the Soviet regime, backed by an arsenal of legal weaponry, deportations to the goulag and executions.” Stunning grasp of facts, there, Delta Force.

Is it a coincidence that Turley has been a global cheerleader for Obama’s economic strategies and an economic ambassador of sorts to other mogul business leaders, as is clearly seen in his Bloomberg interview from the 2011 economic summit in Davos, Switzerland?

Is it a coincidence that a couple of months ago, Obama reversed his position on marriage, extending the union to gay couples, and that Turley just came out of the closet in his position against the BSA’s position?

Is it a coincidence that Michael Mundaca, who was the assistant secretary of the treasury for tax policy from 2009 to 2011 and advised Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner on all matters relating to taxation, recently joined the team of Ernst & Young?Is it a coincidence that, as the White House website explained, “Ernst & Young LLP will honor (the Obama administration’s Network for Teaching Entrepreneurship’s) youth entrepreneurs at regional Ernst & Young Entrepreneur Of The Year Award galas across the country, bringing important attention to the next generation of young entrepreneurs”?

Is it a coincidence that batsh*t wingnuts love beginning every paragraph with “is it a coincidence?” “Is it a coincidence that a bird pooped on my car last Thursday, and two weeks later I paid for my girlfriend’s abortion? The demons in my underpants assure me it’s not. Even the space pants need monkey bottoms to fill them.”

If I was the Fake Chuck Norris, I’d sue the real Chuck Norris for defamation. That guy’s really hurting the brand.