Comments Of The Week: Steven Seagal’s Marital Arts Are Real

Comments of the Week is back, and I’m giving away FilmDrunk shirts (BUY YOURS HERE) to each week’s winner. We don’t have an upvoting function yet, so in the meantime, you’ll have to bookmark this post and paste your favorite comments in the comments section, from which I’ll choose each week’s winner. Got it? Good.

Comments of the Week has been gone too long. But now it’s back! Before we get started, I’d like to recognize Chareth Cutestory for some kind of Lifetime Achievement Award. There are very few weeks when half his comments don’t deserve to be in the top 10, and this week(s) was especially great.

From The Last Witch Hunter Posters:

Chareth Cutestory: [Vin Diesel wildly swinging a broadsword at a bird that keeps interrupting the shot] “F*ck it, that’s a rap. We’ll just CGI around it and set it to some Avenged Sevenfold song.”

Chareth Cutestory: Folks, is it really that hard to track down a witch? From what I can tell, all it takes is one Instagram pic of your new decked-out Camry, and one will materialize at your condo demanding back alimony payments.

From the Self/less review:

Chareth Cutestory: Folks, I haven’t seen a body swap gone so awry since Caitlyn Jenner tried to run hurdles in an evening gown and her vagina flew off.

[the cacophony of boos washes over me as I do the running man]

From Tom Hanks Goes to Berlin in the Bridge of Spies trailer:

Chareth Cutestory:  “You’re a spy now. So when you get over there, lay low.” *immediately hangs out on “Spy Bridge” in garish, fur-lined overcoat.*

Chareth Cutestory: This is like that time Tom Hanks had to go to Miami to negotiate for the release of his son Chet after he spilled a coconut water on Rick Ross’s pomeranian.

From Don Cheadle says Rachel Dolezal was right (about boycotting Exodus):

Chareth Cutestory: Also, what other options do Chinese audiences have? It’s not like if we cast a black guy, they’ll ignore the film in favor of something else. Their only other option is a state-sponsored TV program where Chow Yun Fat pranks people by having their family thrown in a gulag.

From the teaser for Oliver Stone’s Snowden looks like a 15-year-old writing Rage Against The Machine lyrics on his trapper keeper:

Chareth Cutestory: “We The Sheeple” spray painted on the bare tits of Lady Justice is the Stone family crest.

From a PI is going to jail for hacking Scientology critics:

Chareth Cutestory: Crack team you’ve assembled there, Miscavige.

*Magnum P.I. theme song plays as a balding man in pleated dockers struggles to reverse a tinted minivan out of his own god damned driveway*

Look, I’m not saying you all should try to be more like Chareth, but… wait, no, that’s exactly what I’m saying. Everyone, be more like Chareth.

Other honorable mentions:

I can’t tell if this comment on Steven Seagal’s aikido post is genuine or a troll, but either way, pretty good:

Edward Hacket: I thank its real.I’m a loyal fan of his movies over the years. His marital arts is real.I love his music.he’s a good actor.keep up the good work. God bless you.

Again, if that was genuine, “Steven Seagal’s marital arts” is the most accidentally perfect typo ever. I hear Steven Seagal’s most impressive marital art is his unique physiological reaction to arousal. By the way, I can all but guarantee I own the world record for the most times having typed “Steven Seagal’s unique physiological reaction to arousal.”

Same post:

Al: “Mr. Segal, you’ve been accused of losing track of space and time. What’s your defense?”

“Two cartwheels and a handspring. I think that should be obvious.”

From Magic Mike XXL is like a Magic Mike-themed video game:

Talking Can of Vegetables: So you’re saying this Magic Mike video game is a classic button-masher for the female audience.

::gets face-humped off stage::

If Talking Can hadn’t won last week, that might be this week’s winner.

From Terminator Genisys review:

Stallonewolf: “Come with me if you want to leave,” I say to my date 15 minutes into this turd as we walk out and go see Mad Max again instead.

From Richard Gere’s life-changing 45 minutes as a homeless person:

Johnny Stuntcock: This made me dismissively wank so hard that I permanently altered the alignment of my spine.

Incidentally, that was an obscure callback to someone claiming that Eddie Redmayne acted like Stephen Hawking so hard it permanently altered the alignment of his spine, the gold standard for all future bogus method-acting stories.

From Zombie walk is canceled because of last year’s car crash:

Verbal Kunt: That dude is way too conspicuous. At least when I want to plow a dead chick I have the decency to visit a graveyard at night with a shovel.

That’s it for this week. Great job, everyone.