Everything’s comin’ up Costner, including the new Tarantino movie

After a few quiet, no doubt pensive years, it seems Kevin Costner is everywhere again. First he solved the oil spill (not really, but he did sell 32 of his oil-separating machines to BP), then got cast as Pa Kent in the Superman movie, and now he may be co-starring in the new Tarantino western, Django Unchained. With a little QT magic, this just might Travolta his ass back into relevance.  Here’s the scoop, from Deadline‘s Mike Fleming:

Kevin Costner is in negotiations to join a cast that is headed by Jamie Foxx, Christoph Waltz, Samuel L. Jackson and Leonardo DiCaprio. Costner is in talks play Ace Woody.

Ace Woody, a character so named for that thing Tarantino gets when he sees a girl with a shapely Morton’s Toe, OH!Bet you never expected a foot fetish joke in a Tarantino post! Whackety schmackety self-loathing.

He’s the sadistic trainer of the male fighting slaves who entertain the white patrons of Candyland as well as the female slaves who are forced to be prostitutes. The club and ranch are owned by Calvin Candie (DiCaprio) and Ace Woody is the one who pits the “mandingo” fighters against one another, and has little qualms about mistreating and even killing the slaves who don’t measure up.

Damn, it sounds like this Ace Woody tortures slaves like Mike Fleming tortures prose.

Foxx will play the title character, a slave-turned-bounty hunter who must take on those villains to free his slave wife. It’s looking like Tarantino might make a discovery on that role, a character named Broomhilda.

Big-d*cked slave fights and black chicks named “Broomhilda.” Oh, Quentin, you always know the way to a boy’s heart. I can only imagine the twisted mash-up of 70s exploitation flicks and depraved sexual compulsions constantly playing in that guy’s head. I bet if you stuck Tarantino into Kevin Costner’s oil-separating centrefuge, out would walk one, über-intellectual Ira Glass type who knows of sex only what he reads in The Atlantic, and one craven, gluttonous Gollum, his fiendish cackles echoing into the night sky as he jacks off to snuff porn and frog crush videos.