Faith-Based Romance ‘Old Fashioned’ Calls Out ‘Fifty Shades of Grey’ In Bizarre New Trailer

Whether it’s from the religious right or e-Harmony singles, there’s a huge community out there who want to return to old-fashioned romance. Why bother “having sex with people you like” when you can pursue “sober courtships” with sexless pastors/sickly widows/adult virgins? To respond to the demand, Old Fashioned, a Christian-themed romantic drama, has timed the release of their trailer to coincide with the release of the Fifty Shades of Grey trailer, revealed just yesterday. Warning: the following trailer may include some NSF-brains hand-holding.

According to The Hollywood Reporter, Old Fashioned tells the story of a handsome Christian frat boy who falls in love with a sprightly Christian lady. “Boy,” by the way, is a bit of a stretch: the protagonist looks something like a frozen Crocodile Dundee. The two enjoy a beautiful early romance: driving through dead lives, hugging, complaining a lot. Then “girl” complains that “boy” is emotionally unavailable (does this have to do with his tortured Kappa Phi past!?!?!), challenging their faith in each other – and in God.

Rik Swartzwelder, the genius behind everyone’s favorite, Bishmalachooga, stars and directs. And thankfully, the trailer opens with a meandering, delusional monologue by Swartzwelder:

Clearly, we’re picking a fight with Fifty Shades. We’re not only picking a fight, we’re picking a fight with the schoolground bully, likely to get our nose busted in two. … Love and romance are created by God and designed to lead to marriage and physical intimacy. … I find it impossible to not believe that, deep down, we don’t want to celebrate something more than Fifty Shades.”

Listen, annoying German-last-name, most of us want more out of love than paperback BDSM. But if there’s one thing the modern era has revealed to us is how unbelievably, ^@#&*$^*ly hard it is to find. And you’ve got to hand it to the Christian right for being obnoxious enough to claim that they’re the “schoolground victims.” Who’s coming to bust your nose, Swartwelder? Also who busts noses anymore? Is this 1875?

Old-Fashioned is scheduled to be released sometime around Valentine’s Day. Skoche Films is producing, and iMovie has been hired to edit.