The Five Best Films of 2013 (You Haven’t Seen)

For those of you unfamiliar with my work on the Frotcast, I am a list-maker. I make the lists that make the whole world sing. However, I’m usually also seeing many films a week, at far-flung destinations such as Toronto, so I thought it might be nice to combine my powers as a big-time fancy film reviewer and master of lists. To help start this list I should probably note that I have access to many things the general public does not. Indeed, it’s a veritable cornucopia, everything from on demand Honda Civics to various sundries, meant to satiate my ever present hunger, all in an effort to keep me pleased atop my critical mountain. Fellows like Trevor Paramount and Jimmy Universal often humbly doff their cap at my door, peddling their wares, and okay this horrific opening has gone on like 50 words too long, especially because the only point I was trying to get to was to mention I’ve seen some some movies this year that everyone else hasn’t. But I hope people do. So let’s talk about those, the five best films of 2013 that you likely haven’t seen, unless you’ve been following me around like a protective angel.

About Time

Can I interest you in Sideways meets Groundhog Day? No? How about Love Actually mixed with a little Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind? If none of that sells you I’ll just mention that, though this films initially presents itself as a comedy, it’s really an odd little duck of a drama. I’m going to need you to overlook Rachel McAdams taking part, just in case you happen to hate her, because she’s utterly charming here. I also think this is a film that could spark many a “this couldn’t have happened because time travel works like X” websites, which I will greatly enjoy reading, probably in a onesie with a cup of hot cocoa.

All is Lost

Robert Redford, a sailboat on the open sea, and various calamities. So yeah, The Natural meets that part of Wedding Crashers where they sail. No, I kid, I kid, but in all seriousness Bob Redford will be pulling down a Best Actor nomination for this role, and I know how you like to get involved in the Academy Award futures markets. A tense film, open to interpretation, I’d even call it “riveting” if I wasn’t deathly afraid they’d quote me, murdering my street cred. We’ve seen plenty of tense film this year, probably a reflection of directors worried about their 401ks vis a vis the U.S. Congress, but All is Lost is the thrilliest of them all.

Blue is the Warmest Color

If Vince were looking over my shoulder he’d definitely want me to mention the hot lesbian action that comes with this NC-17 French film. The French care not for our puritanical ways, behold the human body, exposed and considered from every angle! And truly, there are fifteen minutes of explicit and graphic coupling on display during the (gulp) three-hour running time, positions and deeds I didn’t even know people could do. Still, that’s not the reason the film is great, and you can catch that sort of action on any porn site in the world.