Now, of course, I think that 99% of movie critics are full of sh*t, with a 1% margin of error, as they’re the sports writing equivalent of people who have made a living off of the work of others. “But you’re an a-hole critic, aren’t you?” Yeah, I guess technically I am and I’d include myself in that 99%, but I limit my leeching to the movies that I really hate and wish had never been made. So what I always enjoyed about Ebert, as I conveniently write this on what would have been his 72nd birthday and with the documentary about his life hitting theaters later this year, is that when he hated a movie, he told you about it succinctly, but with enough venom in his sting that you know he really f*cking hated that movie.
So I scrolled through his archives and found the movies that he really hated the most over the years – those with ratings of one star or *gulp* less – as well as some of my least favorite movies, and picked his best lines that helped describe just how terrible he thought these movies were. I don’t agree with all of his reviews (’90s Burnsy loved The Usual Suspects), but I learned two things in the process: 1) Ebert and I would have loved watching Happy Madison movies together; and 2) TOMMY BOY RULES, YOU MONSTER!